Feeling Hopeless-Kind of long post

Thanks!

Traci,
You know that I don't have any wonderful advice that will make you feel better or anything like that.  Just know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. 
Let me know if I can do anything for you or if you just want to talk.  Lots of hugs and prayers!   

Thanks Chrissy! You have been great. The emails and PM's always helped! Give little Zach a big hug from me.

How is hubby recovering from surgery yesterday? I hope everything went well.

Traci

I hemmed and hawed about responding.  I had 8+ years of trying to get pregnant with 2 failed pregnancies along the way.  I went thru every emotion imaginable, just like you.  I remember one day sitting in my mom's driveway sobbing about wanting a family, and she had the nerve to ask me "why?".  Which angered me more because she had 3 kids - how can you ask WHY?!  Then my sister got pregnant "by accident", unmarried, without trying, and here I was feeling like I wasn't a woman because my body had betrayed me time and time again.

I finally asked myself, do I want a family or do I want to get pregnant?  It's not for everyone but we decided that we wanted a family.  We started going to meetings at a local adoption agency and what hope we got!  There was no chance of miscarriage!  Sure, we had to get on a waiting list (we decided on Korea) but what was 18 months compared to the 8+years we had been trying, failing, and crying?  I won't lie, it was tough.  It's like 2 pregnancies in one.  Then you get a picture of your perfect little person and have to wait even longer (again, international adoption).  But NOTHING compares to seeing that beautiful little face.  Blood, not blood, alien, whatever - they are yours!  As soon as he was placed in my arms every emotion about TTC was gone and I could have cared less about ever getting pregnant ever again. 

I know you see babies every day that could benefit from a BETTER situation.  You could be that better situation, couldn't you?  I used to be so angry with God for all the heartache I was put thru.  Now, every time I hear the song by Rascall Flatts "God Bless the Broken Road (that lead me straight to you)" I sob like a baby because that's EXACTLY how I feel now.  Without all that BS, he wouldn't be my son.  Holden's new nick-name is "our little fertility god".  I swear.  We were 3 days away from putting the paperwork in to adopt a little girl from Korea and we found out we were pregnant with Kellen. 

I know that adoption seems disheartening....not your "own" kid (couldn't be further from the truth!), you couldn't love them like a bio child (again, wrong!) - HE made us a family, took away many of the emotions we were having, and loves us unconditionally.  What more could a mama ask for?  Fertility treatments are expensive, I know, I've been there.  But adoption isn't any more so.  And you actually DO get a baby in the end!!  (not to mention, once you "forget" about TTC when you have your little one, sometimes it just happens)

OK, I knew this would be long.  And if adoption isn't your thing, no big deal.  I just know it changed my life for the BEST.  The hurt, anger, frustration, saddness, confusion, deliriousness,depression, and just craziness all disappeared when our baby came home.  Of course, it turned into a different kind of confusion and craziness but in a good way!

I wish you SO much luck and offer unconditional support and hugs!!!

Sandy

ty for posting this.

I am not apposed to adoption. I think my hubby just wants to try everything before we "give up". Me, I don't see adoption as giving up. I have always wanted to give a child a better life than it is currently having.

So, adoption is still in our bag of tricks.

Thanks
Traci
 

My husband was the same way with adoption.  He wanted to try EVERYTHING before adopting.  Finally after seeing all that I was emotionally going thru, he threw in the towel and I won.  ;-)  And we are SO glad that I did!  LOL!

Sandy

Thank you so much for that experience! We had resigned ourselves (I know it sounds horrible) that if I didn't have a baby by 40 (July 2010) We would refocus our attention to adoption. I did feel that way about waiting until we had tried every thing else. My emotional roller coasters made me put a time on it. I had to resolve myself that giving love as a mother would feel the same whether or not it was a biological child. Your post confirmed what I had hoped. Thanks again for sharing.

Dear Traci,

You know me so you know what I say is all personal experience and not a line drawn from nowhere. I felt the same way you did and I may have felt like I was worse. Ex. I couldn't go to baby showers or right after my MC the girl in my office who was pg would walk up to me and I would burst into tears. I would watch the girls who didn't look big enough to carry the baby walking with one and not having a clue they should cover the baby in the cold weather, etc. All these are are examples of a woman who has it in her heart to give love to a child of her own. No hatred for others, just a strong personal desire that as women we feel is a natural right those with infertility are left out of. The answer? With all these words you would think there would be one...no, just support, encouragement and the knowledge that your feelings are natural and will make your BFP that much more meaningful. Don't give up! We're cheering for you!!!

Thanks Chavon! I think that is the key. Everyone that has struggled to get pregnant/have a baby needs to remember that struggle and be so proud that it happened for them and support those that are stuggling!

I am so happy you have your miracle and pray you have a healthy and happy baby.

Traci