OT PAIN KILLERS (very long)

No Judgments please, I am coming here because I am not sure where else to go about this situation.  My husband has some chronic health conditions some of which are very painful.  He has permanent nerve damage in both of his arms, Crone’s Disease, some type of egheal disorder that causes chest pain, and then he fell and injured his back.  He lives with chronic pain 24/7.  After his fall in June of this year, I suspected that he was taking high doses of pain medications.  I asked, and he confessed that he was taking so much he went through a script in half the time, but that it finally helped take the edge off how he felt.  We talked a long time about it, and the final say (at least I thought) was that he would stop taking them.  I suspected he was taking them again- because he was vomiting and had these horrible sweats.  He was wasting huge amounts of money of the last months going to TONS of Dr Appointments and the ER because of these pains.  He thought he had kidney stones, yadda, yadda.  So I find out last week he’s taking them again.  I was angry (still am) and he finally told me the truth about it…it was taking them on and off the whole time…which in my mind means the whole time.  He tells me that he throws them away when I catch him (which I don’t believe for a second and I also tell him that)…then he tells me he gave some away. I tell him how stupid that is and he tells me he’s sorry he lied…he’s never been dishonest with me in our whole marriage (7 years).  So- I am so angry because I just can’t believe he’d lie and think I was stupid. He disappears randomly; he associates with new people (old friends).  I KNOW these are signs of trouble…I know something else is going on.

 

So I could tell things haven’t been right- made him start to go to get treatment for his depression since he hasn’t been able to work…i.e. “I can’t be the bread winner anymore, I feel useless" - which has been a long time coming, but I finally insisted he go.  And he literally lies around like a slug.  He’s moody, mean, and never has anything to say- unless it’s yelling about something.  So I decided I would treat him like he treats me- only answer his questions, just function.  He still didn’t get it.  I haven’t worn my wedding rings for a week.  I am at a complete loss- the stress of him not working and having HORRIBLE depression is enough- now I have this issue. 

 

So brings me to the final straw….he calls me and wants to go to lunch with me…I told him no- not unless he has something to say to me or wants to actually talk to me.  (He tells me no need to talk, because I just want to fight, and that won’t go anywhere).  But for weeks, every time I look at him, all I feel is disgust, I literally can’t stand to see him.  I cry myself to exhaustion just so I can go to bed.  I feel like how can I do this alone- we have 3 kids and another on the way in less then 8 weeks.  WTF?  So at lunch today- he tells me that he knows he is taking way to much medication and that he has used all of them in 11 days (100 pills!)…and he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to function without the medication.  So know I suspect this has been going on for much longer then I know. but hey I only get 30 minute lunch so I can only ask and talk so much.  I tell him, just no more pills.  But I KNOW that isn’t reasonable considering his pain and his health.  I know he can’t do that either.  He is withdrawing today because they are gone and he can’t get more for several more days.  I asked how he gets them, (i.e. I know which Dr- but how since the office is 1 hour away).  So said I will call the Dr and tell him about this issue.  He didn’t argue.  He looked like he was seriously asking for help (tearful), and he was telling me how horrible it has been to lie to me.  He knows I have 1 and half feet out the door. Probably from yesterday when I told him to keep his crap up and the closest he’s be to his kids were the tattoos that he has (he decided mid day he needed to get out while our daughter was napping- he disappeared for over an hour).  He tells me at the last second before I got out of the car, that he didn’t give those pain medications away last week (like he told me initially when he said he was lying last week) he actually bought those that I found (which he told me he carried in his pocket because he wanted to have them on him).  I’m so confused, and have so many questions.  I just want my old life back- I don’t trust him, I don’t know what to believe, I just feel lost in my own life.  I can’t talk to family about it because there is that judgment issue..and my friends are limited. He’s run up huge debuts and bills from all of these health issues.   I feel like a marriage I had that was so stable and so strong is just a pile of cow crap.  I don’t know anything anymore.  I feel like I am not sure I want to help or I want him around us.  I guess I am being extreme..but I just don’t know.

 

Anyone- that can relate or give helpful reasonable advice.  I have always been a very strong woman, suddenly I just feel like a sucker.  I can’t think at work, I don’t sleep; I don’t know how to feel.  I worry about feeding our family, and paying bills. He apparently is so high and drugged he doesn’t feel or think about anything.   I feel like I hate him- but I look at him and want to love him.  Then I worry about the stress of all of this on the baby.
Edit: I told him today I cant wait to be in the hospital with the baby so I can get some "free counseling / psych eval"...and hopefully a really strong antidepressant. (I had mild PPD last time, and I know I should be on something with the stress I am going through) Well- I didnt tell him the med part.
EDIT AGAIN: The Dr he is seeing that is giving him the pain meds is a pain management specialist...that is part of the issue.  He has pain, and feels justified taking these pills- he keeps giving them out- just 15 days at a time. 

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this *hugs*

I don't have any advice other then maybe some kind of couples therapy or an AA/Alanon some kind of drug rehab that maybe won't cost anything (since you already have a lot of medical bills and more with little one on the way!)

Stay strong - we are all here if you need anything!

Liz

I hate that you're under such a tremendous amount of pressure right now. I really don't have any advice but just to keep venting because we're all here for you. Maybe couple's therapy would work or even if he won't agree it might do you a world of good to be able to talk face to face with someone. {{{HUGS}}}

Well, I have dealt with a lot of addiction in my life (all family members). At this point giving him ultimatums to quit will not work unless he is willing to go through treatment. He really can't do this on his own. Also, detoxing on his own is not a good idea. He really needs professional help.

It's too bad you have to deal with this when you are so close to giving birth. I would suggest you get into counseling as soon as possible to help you deal with this.

Melanie

 This is a situation that can be really common for people with chronic pain. Simply telling him to stop taking the pills isn't going to work and quitting cold turkey often doesn't help and can make things worse. Talk to his primary care doctor and get a referral to an addiction counselor or narcotics anonymous program and then ALSO ask for a referral to a pain specialist, if he hasn't seen one already. For chronic pain, he really does need someone whose job it is to make him feel less pain and to come up with solutions other than medication. If he doesn't have a primary care doctor, take him to your local ER and ask  to speak with a social worker who will be able to provide you with addiction resources. He can also ask the ER doctor or his primary care doc for a prescription to help ease the symptoms he's going to experience when he stops the narcotics. Your husband doesn't WANT to hurt you, believe me, I'm an ER social worker and I see these things all the time - but he is in the grip of something that can be much more powerful than love. 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.

Your husband needs professional intervention.  He's not going to be able to stop on his own.  I'm sure there is something available at low or no cost - please call your insurance or local crisis center.

Once he gets detoxed and rehabbed, you need to consider help as well.  It's not a fun position to be in.

Lots of luck to all of you.

Sharon

((((((((Hugs))))))))  Addiction is a nasty thing! My best friend had horrible horrible pain after the GBS. She almost died from her ulcer-- anyways she was on heavy narcotics and became addicted. No one can tell someone exactly how much something hurts... but she finally realized she was abusing and check into rehab. She was there for 30 days and detoxed.

If you call his doc- it will be a permanent part of his medical record and there is a good chance he will be denied pain medication in the future due to his addiction.

He needs to go to a pain specialist and be evaluated and I think a good start would be detox/rehab. He will get the counseling he needs for both depression and the pain. I think the You, him and his doctor should sit down and discuss where to go from here. Perhaps his pain is that bad.. and the pills aren't covering it... maybe there is another route they need to take. 

He needs to start being honest with you immediately and today sounds like a good start to that. Once he is in rehab and starts fixing his addiction needs- you can work on your relationship in paralle. I've read your posts over the past year and a half or so and it always sounded like you guys had a good relationship- I think you can have that again with some work.

Pain is an evil thing that can take over you mind and body... I have a VERY VERY VERY low tolerance for pain- if I was given a narc, I could guarentee i'd become addicted after some time of taking it. Couple that with not being able to work and provide for his family... he's just hit a huge low. Do what you can to support him and get your husband back!!! 

After he's all better.... he owes you a nice romantic get away!!! lol (just trying to help you see there could be a happy ending here).

If you need to talk let me know!

This is terrible what is happening and the timing obviously couldn't be worse.  However, just remember one thing.   It's not about you right now.   I'm not saying this to minimize what you are going through, but your husband has a drug addiction.  

If you love him, he needs your support right now because he's going to have a major fight on your hands.   His recent actions are a result of his drug addiction and not some personal beef that he has with you.  He hasn't been lying, popping pills, keeping company with shady people, etc. to purposely hurt you.  He is doing it because he has no control over what he's doing right now.  

It sounds like this is something new for him (and you) and it's not like he's had some 20 year drug history right?   So getting pissed off at him and giving him ultimatums are not going to help him they are going to harm him.   I could understand you getting angry if this was something he has been doing for years, went to rehab, and slipped up.  That would be a different scenario, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here.  

Your husband needs drug rehab and therapy.   After he goes through that, it would probably help your marriage if you also went to counseling together.   

I know you are pissed off right now, and again, the timing couldn't be worse, but you did marry this man which means you did love him at one point in your life.  You're pregnant with his child.  At least give him one chance to shape his ass up before you pack your bags and call it quits. 

I sympathize.  Those pills are so addictive.  I was given 10, yes 10 pills for my shoulder that were supposed to last 10 days.  I did do it but all day long I couldn't wait until it was time to take that pill.