OT: Just feeling BLUE and GUILTY!

My adopted daughter was 200 pounds when she was in kinder-garden.  Her biological mother allowed her to sit in front of the TV, play video games, and eat ANYTHING.  By the time she came to live with us, she was probably 175 pounds and was 9 years old.  At that point I was still battling food, I was diabetic and was in the process of going for WLS.  She saw my changes, I started to become super active, eat better, and low and behold, it had effects on her.  I DO let her know how I feel about her eating habits (they sneak up often) and I do encourage her to be active, fit, and hopefully thin.  But honestly, I understand she will never be like the other kids.  She wasn't afforded that opportunity because of her abusive and hectic up bringing.  Honestly, there is nothing you can do to undo the things in the past...but you can focus on now.  I have to lock my foods away (because she'll eat 2 or 3 granola bars, multiple items)- to keep them out of her hands...she starts to feel bored or lonely or sad she is on a mission to feed her emotions.  Her weight varies A LOT- when she is swimming and active in the summer- she gets down to about 125 pounds (at 5'5 that's FABULOUS) but when she sits on her fanny at school and does nothing she gets to about 160.  I give her incentives by getting her trendy clothes - easy to find at size 8 or 9 not easy at size 14 or 16.  My daughter had no tolerance, she literally couldn't walk through walmart without having to sit down, I would find her leaning on shelves, sitting on displays...it was horrible the way her body was so worn at 10.  Like everyone said- we know the battle, we know what the pressures did to us...so proceed with caution and try to make it no big deal to do the exercise type stuff.  I think the stroller  idea is great, but it will be cold soon.  Maybe making the Wii fun with you- a mom and daughter thing once the babies come will make her want to do it.  I know my lazy slug kids will play the wii if we play. But make a big deal when the effects show.  Good luck...

Yep I have the my knees hurt or I cant walk up the hill...
I remember those days I couldnt even pick my own kids up from school
b/c my knees were hurting so bad... Im going to back off a litle
and even tho she hatesssss me when I ask her to walk with me I guess
she will thank me in the end.


thank you

Your daughter sounds like about my size when I was her age. I was 265 when I was 13 and probably close to that at 11 too. I remember dieting early, the earliest I remember was about 10 years old. I would do good for awhile and then go off and gain more, just like every diet I've ever done in my life. I guess my advice would be to not pu**** on her, just make healthy eating and exercise a part of everyday life in your family and something that everyone in the family does. That way she won't feel like she's being excluded cause she's overweight and needs to lose weight. It is hard growing up and being teased for weight but I believe it's made me stronger and more of a caring person. I hope she makes some wonderful good supportive friends at her new school. Good luck.

Thank you Tami

I was a lot like Angie...my mom and dad put me on every diet imaginable before I had even gotten into jr high.  When I met my husband (at the age of 14) they were saying horrible things making me feel really bad about my self image an were forcing me to exercise.  I learned to LOATHE exercise with a passion.  My hubby was such an amazing friend while I was going thru all of this.  I even turned to bulemia - of course my parents were the proudest of me then - not knowing I was barfing my way into their hearts.  

All I can say is just don't mention the word EXERCISE.  Just come up with fun things you guys can do together.  It's going to be harder to do once the weather starts to turn but in the spring, you guys can do charity walks (and for a good cause too!), mall walking, zoo, etc...

And something I did as a kid that still haunts me...every time my siblings got to have second helpings of food or something special, I'd get my hand slapped and told I'd had enough - so I started sneaking food.  If people didn't see me eat it, it was never consumed.  I still do this on occasion.  Every time I hear a parent get on their kids about their weight because of what they are eating, I think of this.  It breaks my heart!  Just handle this with pink-fuzzy mittens honey.

Good luck!
Sandy

Thank you Sandy
I remember when I was 15 my aunt got me this pills
I cant remember the name but I know it was a yellow box with red letters
anyways I was not told how to drink the pills and one night my heart was beating so fast
I was taken to the ER and was told to stop taking those pills.
She really made me feel bad and I would sit there and cry... sucks what people do and say without thinking..cause it can really affect others.

Dear Meleney,

Just want to say I don't remember not going to the chubby kids section to buy elastic wear for my clothes.  I was the youngest of 6 kids and I wanted to eat all the time.  My mother was the best cook in the world which didn't help and she never said no.  I think that as I grew older and got fatter, I just gave up the idea that I could lose weight succesfully until WLS.

I would suggest that even though your daughter says she's still hungry, change her portions to what is appropriate.  When she says she's still hungry give her water or a low calorie drink and switch her from a second plate of food to healthy snacks like fruit and veggies and like everyone else says, don't even buy junk food.  My goal is since both my husband and I have had WLS there shouldn't be unhealthy food in our home.  If I want to treat myself I do it when we go out on a special dinner or something while outside the home.  That helps.  The minute I buy snacks (even if they are for company coming) we end up getting into the snack all day habit.  That is what our weakness is.

Continue to show your daughter love, support and never make her feel the weight is more important than she is...(that will help her to build herself into a confident young women who has the tools to succeed).  Continue to protect her and assure her that her abuse was not her fault and that she deserves to be treated as a princess.  Your example more than your words will help heal her.

All the best to you!

Thank you Chavon.

Meleney

I agree w/one of the earlier posters that it might help to get her some counseling...to help her learn other ways to deal with the emotional eating...which is what it sounds like she's doing...probably related to the abuse you both went through when she was younger.

Talk to her dr and ask if there's a pediatric dietician/nutritionist whom she can talk to, who can talk about portion sizes, etc.  You can meet w/that dr on your own, then w/your daughter, and let your daughter meet on her own too.

I was also going to suggest what another previous poster beat me to...get involved in charity walks...there are a lot of them out there...and ask her to join you on them.  You can even make it seem you're asking for her to support YOU during the walk...that YOU need the company and that you want to spend that time with her. 

Because she is just a kid and you don't want to make her feel any different than other kids - siblings or school mates - try to have healthy alternative snacks similar to what her friends/siblings would have.  If she wants chips, have single serving sized baked chips on hand.  They may be more expensive than the big bag...but they're already portioned out.  Either that...or buy the big one and divide it up yourself into single servings...or have her help divide them.  They may not be the ideal choice for a snack...but it's a reasonable alternative.

In general though...I'd say that the 'sneaking in' exercise someone else had mentioned is a good alternative.  Sneak it in by making it about you.  You want her company while YOU exercise.  You want her company while YOU go to the mall.  You want her to walk with you so her  siblings get exercise.  If you can, get bikes for all of you...anda little trailer thing that the babies can go in...and go bike riding together. 

Try to get your daughter involved in cooking too...let her help come up with healthier ways to cook things, healthy menus to make, ask her to help pick healthier options that will also fill her up - that way if she's picking out what'll fill her up, she may be less likely to still want to eat after a meal.

Most of all...know that the best thing you can do for the health and happiness of your daughter is to make sure she knows that she's loved...and it already sounds like you're doing that in spades. 

Re letting her walk the 7 blocks....Does she have any friends who live nearby whom she could walk with so she wouldn't be totally alone?  Could you get her a cell phone so that you'd be able to contact her..thus maybe making you a little more comfortable with her being 'on her own' for those seven blocks?  Walking the 7 blocks would be another way to sneak in walking on her...but it's a decision you'd have to make on whether it was the best thing for her and if you'd be able to let her do it w/o sneaking around behind all the bushes following her home.