Some pics and update (super long...lol)

So... I haven't updated in awhile and lots of you are asking. Emma is with grandma today so I had a chance to upload some pictures of Emma from the last couple of months. She is 18 months now and just a fun and pleasurable baby. I never thought that being a mom would be this good. Of course she has her occasional tantrum, but for the most part she is a good girl. Hope you enjoy the pics.

As for this pregnancy. I am 26 weeks and doing okay under the cir****tances. I have been seeing a perientologist this time around due to Emmas size and the diabetes complications/c-section issues last time. I have been on insulin since 6 weeks and have worked hard on my diet/exercise and so far have only gained 2.5 pounds. Even so baby is still measuring 2 weeks ahead and in the 95th percentile. As much as I want a vbac due to last times 26 hour labor and emergency c-section wound I fear it will not be possible if this baby is headed towards being over 9lbs like emma was. The doctor has agreed to monitoring and if baby is not too big a trial of labor, which makes me happy. Now lets just hope baby cooperates.

So far have had only some contractions and tons of braxton hicks, but last week had a scare. I felt what I thought was the baby having seizures for 20 minutes off and on. I went online and found that it was most likely uterine spasms kind of related to braxton hicks. Kind of like when you have a twitch in your eye that you can't control. Doc agreed. So far my cervix is still long so she isn't too worried. I am to save my energy for work only as it is a physical job. And pretty much bed rest the rest of the time.

I had a little breakdown this week too. Being on semi bed rest the house got quickly out of control. I hate living in a mess but knew I needed to slow the contractions down. Then had the appointment where I found out baby is already really big, despite my efforts. And that day Emma was a huge handful during my appointment, worrying me about how I will handle 2 so close in age. I was freaking out about finances. I just broke and cried and cried. Luckily hubby is good to me and stepped up to the plate to help out more. I am doing better now...but sometimes life is really overwhelming and the pg hormones don't help.

I have also been having some serious body issues...kinda depressed about it. I had wls and lost 140 pounds. I gained 25 on fertility treatements before emma, and 70 pounds with her pregnancy...lost 40 pounds after her, but started this pregnancy at 333. Yes, still 70 pounds lighter than my highest, but I have some serious pani issues. I don't look pregnant at all. I went to the beach the other day and saw 3 really cute baby bumps in suits and there I was looking like a beached whale in shorts and a tshirt barely able to pull my arse out of a sitting position in the sand. Got pretty depressed. My pani hangs half way to my knees. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life, happy to have two pg's...my hubby loves me no matter what....but deep down it is tough on me. Not even sure if I could get approved for a tummy tuck after baby because I haven't lost enough weight post op. Which is another issue I hate. I can't eat **** for food, but never got anywhere near a goal after wls...lowest of 267, and that doesn't seem too fair. I think it has to do with the PCOS, but feel really jipped in this whole wls thing.

One kind of good thing is that I finished a masters class and I am now taking a year (at least) off of school. It is a catch 22 because I know I really want to be teaching....but the reality is that I can't do the next part of the program which is 4 months of in class teaching and 2 night classes with 2 small babies. Wouldn't want to be away from them...but in the same sense sad that I have to keep doing my current job because the hours suck. I guess there are not any teaching jobs in cali right now anyway, so it is probably for the best. And I am much less stressed not worrying about school.

I guess that is it for now. Looking forward to meeting my baby boy...but not too soon. Trying to really enjoy my alone time with Emma now before she becomes a big sister. Trying to keep my emotions in check and concentrate on staying happy about my cir****tances. I have been blessed and need to remember that it could be way worse. If you have read this far...thanks. Shari

Oh honey...I am sorry you are going thru such a whirlwind of emotions and ordeals. I understand your frustration, however, yours wins.  I felt the same way with EVERYTHING you've mentioned...be careful of PPD once your sweet prince arrives.  I had some PPD beacuse of it all and it's an adjustment going from one to two kids, that's for sure!  I skipped that WHOLE part of the WTE book thinking "no way, I want this baby more than anything! I won't get depressed!"  YEAH, RIGHT.  LOL.  I was a basketcase.  I am going to talk to my OB about this now as the thought of adding 2 more babies to the mix scares me ****less.  

Good luck to you.  I hope that your life returns to normal (whatever that is!) once little man gets here.  BIG HUGS!!!

Sandy

Thanks Sandy. It helps to know that I am not alone. I just never expected a lot of these feelings. I never expected to get pg again...you know how that goes. Shari

Great pics Shari!  Emma is beautiful, I'd like to order one just like that, well, maybe with a little more of a tan, but you get the picture. :o)

Have I told you how wonderful it is to read your posts every day and to know that with all the trials you experience you are willing to give upbeat encouragement to others.  I just wanted to add that to go along with my other spiel.  You are great and you have a right to your emotions good bad or indifferent.  Take care!

Hi Shari,

I didn't see the pictures but I did read your update.  Sounds like Emma is doing well and you are thoroughly blessed.  I am sure it must be hard to have to be on bed rest and watch things fall apart around you.  Good job Shari's husband, for stepping up and handling his business. 

I wanted to comment about your feelings toward WLS and not reaching your goal weight.  I remember wondering before I had surgery, what would be my signal that this procedure was worth it to me.  I thought it would be reaching me or my Dr.'s goal weight, in reality it was coming off 10 of the 13 medications I took daily for HBP and Diabetes.  Having enough energy to clean my house (of course I'm not PG yet so I still have some of that energy), but really, my health is good and I am on my way to achieving my goal of motherhood. 

You already reached that wonderful milepost, congrats to you.  If after you have this baby you want to resume weight loss, you should actively set some new goals for yourself and I have every confidence you can reach them.  Don't let anything get in the way of your enjoying your new life, for some, a number on the scale is as far as we've gotten. I would trade the weight for the two babies any day (hope that doesn't sound like I'm minimizing your feelings for that wasn't my aim, I just wanted to point out that you have achieved a lot and you shouldn't downplay your accomplishments)

Hang in there and know that we are always here for support the same way you are always here!

Thanks Chavon. I truly do know how blessed I am. My goal for wls was not wl but to become pregnant and help my diabetes...and I have been blessed now with a beautiful girl and a boy on the way. I know that the exterior of me isn't so much of the deal here...and for most of my life I have coped with the fact that I have body issues....but with wls your issues shift from feeling fat to having excess skin. Now I am not only fat, but have the excess skin too. I am not a vain person and have a hubby that loves me, but the issues are affecting my ability to make love besides the emotional side of it and they physical side of it. And I still have the diabetic issues. It was never really a number for me...but to be healthy and to feel good about myself physically and emotionally. Still having diabetes and still feeling yucky about the way I look affects my emotions...and I guess that is why I feel jipped.

Anyway, like I said at the end of the post... I am truly blessed. I usually don't post updates because I know my issues don't even compare to those that are struggling with infertility. I am going to have 2 beautiful babies...how do my issues even compare to those like you that would give anything to be pregnant. I am torn between my ttc friends here and my friends that are pg and have kids. I don't want to take my pg's for granted and offend those ttc...but I want to celebrate the pg's ups and downs as well...you know.

Anyway, again, good luck with your journey, I will be rooting and praying for your bfp! Shari

Shari I was so glad you updated...it's been way too long! After reading though I realize how super busy you have been, sooo sorry about the emotional roller coaster that makes everything harder I think and sadly we never know when our hormones are going to take over and rule our worlds!

You are doing AWESOME on the weight gain...I am over 30lbs gained now and super upset with myself, it you can stick with what you are doing keep it up and be super proud of yourself!!!!!!
I think it would be  awesome  if you could do a VBAC there is nothing I would love more, I am very worried about the csection and my pani this go around and it seems to be stretching out daily, I am super worried about the healing not to mention I totally HATE it!!
I am glad you have a doctor this time and they are working so closely with you that is super important! And braxton hicks SUCK that is all I have to say about them, I especially hate them as I don't even get to use the garage door anyway!

Enjoy your break from school enjoy Emma and once your little man is here enjoy them both maybe you need this break! As for Emma having a fit at your appt. she's just doing her job as much as we do not enjoy them doing that sometimes they just feel the need!

And a good break down and cry never hurt anyway, maybe if we all had temper tantrums like toddlers do we would have alot less stress I think we should just do it!!! It works for kids and they aren't stressed...something to think about!

Anyway I was just so happy to see your post I have now written a novel! Sorry!
Big Hugs to you and I hope you are able to get some rest and enjoy your break from school, your pregnancy and your family!!

Beth

Thanks Beth. I have been better about expressing my emotions since being married. I have a great husband...but even though I say some of what is going on to get it off my chest, I still internalize a lot, taking on the responsibility myself, not wanting to ask for help. I am learning quickly that I can't do this alone I will need lots of help having two babies, so might as well start asking now. I like the idea of the tantrum though. Wonder how my hubby would react to me throwing a kicking screaming fit when he is too tired to rub my feet after work....lol. Shari

im glad emma is doing so well... im sorry your having a rough go at it...i really have no advice for you... i wish i did... congrats on your masters!..

Thanks for posting! Shari