Thinking of Those Who Have Loved and Lost (m/c mentioned)

Grrr - the first part of my post didn't show up, so it's in the reply message below this.....




The Loss of Hope - Dan Rosenhagen

In desperation, a farmer was drawing water up from a well.
As he received his life giving bounty,
he then hurriedly ran to a nearby garden
and drenched his heat withered crops. 

When he saw that his efforts had little impact on the garden,
the man dropped to his knees and began to weep.     
A very old man was standing nearby
and tried to comfort him holding out his hand.

The farmer looked up at him and spoke. 
What shall I do? I have given so much of myself in
the hope of a plentiful harvest and now I have nothing.
There is no hope left, all I had is gone.     

The old man looked at him and said.
What you had here was born of the labor of love.
And your cultivation of its roots cultivated within yourself
the roots of love and the hope for the crops to grow
and give back to you that which you desired. 
And now your hope is gone. 

You should then know that the love you had
nurtured from your toil cannot be lost.
For love cannot be smothered by grief
without the hand of one who chooses to smother it.
Is this your choice?  

The farmer looked at him and said,
I did love my garden but my hope for it is now gone. 
The old man then said, hope is like an ember left from a raging fire,
in that it could still become that from which it was.    

But you cannot dwell on the expectations of something you desire
and what may come to be.
For the Love you had for your garden will always be love
and will be the only thing that you can keep inside of yourself
that will become more than what you are. 

So I say; when you hope, your hope can be an
expectation of false reliance, but if in your misfortune
you understand and accept the pain of your loss,
and from this you do not smother your love,
It will be the seed of a new garden and a new found wisdom
that eternally grows inside your soul.

Not sure why, but the first part of my message didn't show up:

Kathy, Traci, Holly, Kelly, Liz, Jackie, Amanda, Ann, Missy & those I didn't mention by name,

Every day there are wonderful posts about new pregnancies, new babies and the joys of motherhood.  It is easy to want to share good news and to offer congratulations and heartfelt joy.  But it is harder to admit that we are hurting or that we need the love and support of others, or even that we need to allow ourselves to feel angry and bitter as part of the process of mending our broken hearts.  I don't presume to know the extent of your grief, nor am I telling you how to cope.  When i was in the thick of my own grief, I didn't want to hear others' stories of happily ever after.  I think of each of you often and pray that every new day finds you closer to healing.

A dear friend sent this to me after the loss of my first pregnancy at 12 weeks.  I read it on the anniversary of each of my 3 losses - sort of my own way of working through the grief and remembering my angels.  I hope you don't mind my sharing.  Don't be afraid to shout out here if you need support, or PM if you need to vent.

Hugs,

Thank you Jo. 

The women I see here on this board who have btdt w/so many mc's and go on to have a healthy baby are what give me the hope and the where with all to keep trying and constantly remind me there is hope.  I'll keep looking for answers to see if the drs can find out WHY it's happening to me...but I'll also keep trying until I really am too old - by MY standards, not some @$$ of a dr - to succeed.  There are no guarantees that I will succeed if I keep trying...but there's a pretty good guarantee I won't succeed if I don't keep trying. 

Knowing that when I need to vent or talk about what I'm feeling, I can come here and someone will know exactly what I'm saying or feeling is a huge help also...because much as they want to, friends and family can't really understand unless they've been through it.

Jo -

This made me cry. I am going to copy it and keep it to read on the anniversary of my loss. I remember how hard it was to reach out after I lost my angel. Even though I have had a baby since then, the loss of my angel still stings. Last night I went to a scrapbooking night at my local scrapbook store and the women at the table behind us were going on and on about miscarriages - I had to leave early because I couldn't take it and cried myself home.

I guess what I am getting at is that I know how hard it is to reach out sometimes, even long after the physical pain has passed. It is still hard for me to talk about our loss. I still have so many unanswered questions, so many emotions, so many should haves, would haves, could haves.

I am once again in a place where I find it hard to reach out. My emotions are all over the place right now and I am just praying that I can make it though this funk I have fallen into - but, I am forever thankful for people like you Jo that have reached out to me and offered your love and support. I know that when I get to a place where I can accept it I will be taking you up on it.

(((HUGS)) Dawn

Ty :-) I'm waiting for the day when the pain is less....so far the pain is only getting worse. I can't wait for hope and joy again.


Jackie

Am I the only one who feels like I will never get my baby. Sure I've had a child. But I was 19 and didn't understand or know what a gift I was getting. I love being a mother. But I'm so ready for it now. I'm 30 years old. I have an amazing husband who loves and adores me. I have a beautiful son and three beautiful step kids. I should be content with that. But my heart is aching to have another child. My husband's child. I could scream!! Why me? What the hell did I do to feel the pain of losing a baby. I hope soon I see things more clear. That I feel joy again. Because right now there are no emotions but sadness and pain.


Jackie

Jackie,

I felt like that. I was so paranoid that here I got to experience the joy of expecting another child for 10 weeks, and then it was stolen from me. I was so scared that I would never experience that joy again and would always have an empty spot in my heart. There is no quick fix for the emptiness and it hurts so bad, all I could do was hope.

I hope that you can see things more clearly and even though you may never had answers why, at least you can come to terms. Most importantly I hope that you are blessed to feel that joy again.

(((HUGS)))
Dawn

Thanks for posting this Jo. I am scared to death that this will happen again - I don't know if my heart can handle it. I was estatic to be pregnant - everything revolved around that. For some reason a higher power decided I wasn't ready I guess. Maybe I was too confident that I would have a healthy baby. I am angry that I was "mislead" for 11 weeks. I am angry that my OB didn't do a US at 6 weeks to check for viability! This could have all been resolved and we could be back to TTC and maybe even pregnant again by now - but I lived a lie for 11 weeks thinking that I was pregnant but it turns out there was never anything more then a sack there. I still have moments where I want to scream and cry. But I am having happy moments too. I am a bit jealous of the women who are pregnant but know that there are others who have lost and suffered more then I have. I want my baby and I am pretty sure that I'll get it - I jus thave to be patient (something I am not - when I want something i want it)

Thank You for posting this and always being there for us

*hugs*

Liz

PS - hope that Everett is doing better everyday

 Thank you!!!

Thank you, it means alot to know that others have gone through this.  I can see that I'm not the only one asking "WHY ME!!!!!"  "Will it ever happen?"  I waited for my hubby to be ready and now all of this.  I'm 35 so age isn't on my side, the doctor told me that a few times the other day. 
I had my 2nd methotrexate shot on Sat. and all I could think of is I can't do this again, one miscarrage and the ectopic.  Sorry going to start crying at my desk again.

Missy


M/C 7-16-08, Ectopic 7-8-09