Need some advice from the m/c club.

So, as most of you know I miscarried sometime between my ultrasounds on Tuesday and Wednesday. My problem now is the hubby thinks I should be "normal" and keep going. He went to work the next day and was upset cause I didn't go yesterday. He is pushing me to go tonight. I don't know if I can. I feel like I am taking this either too hard or harder than him. I know it's hurting deep inside him but doesn't he understand that I am the one with the physical reminder that something happened? I am the one that was sick and whose body was changing for the baby. Now I am the one that is getting rid of what it doesn't need. I don't know. Maybe I am off. Or maybe this is normal. I don't know.

I am at a loss. All I do is cry everyday. I started to cry in Target last night cause I needed some new underwear and I saw the maternity section. I feel like something is missing. I feel empty. Are these normal feelings? Please tell me it gets better.

You need to try and have a heart to heart with hubby. Men just don't understand our emotions at times. And they don't deal with things the same way we do.

If you don't feel up to going to work tonight, then don't. It takes time to let everything sink in and move along. Some people get along better with something to occupy thier mind, some people don't. Only you know how you feel. And you need to allow yourself to go through the feelings.

It does get better. I promise. Give time, time.

Kathy,
Sit and have a real talk with the hubby.. mine did tha same thing told me it was easier for him not to talk about it... we kinda had a really rough 2 weeks after the MC but then we had this long talk complete with tears from both ends and things have gotten soo much better.

It will get better and easier, personally I wanted to jump back into "real life" quickly but it didnt help... I think if I had to go thru it again (hopefully I wont) i would have spent more time at home.

I think you need to talk to your hubby about "your feelings". He has his feelings but he needs to understand what you are feeling. He doesn't have to feel the same way you do just understand that you feel differently than him and it will take you a little longer to heal.

Everyone is really different on how they handle things. For me, I took the day after off of work when I had the second ultrasound saying the heartbeat was now gone. It took 14 days the miscarriage to finish. So, yep for 14 days I had a reminder everyday that I was miscarrying.  I wanted to go to work because I didn't' want to sit home and cry.

All I can say if find a support system, whether that is your hubby, ladies on this board, or your best friend. Talk about what you are feeling. Maybe someone who has gone through this before can more relate to your specific feelings than someone who hasn't.

I am here if you need to talk!

Traci

yep - right there with you! Hubby admitted to me that he was staying strong because I couldn't. I found out that I had a blighted ovum thursday afternoon and went for a D&E friday morning. He went back to work on monday I needed more time off. I would have even taken a few more days but I knew I needed to face my very close friends at work as it was part of the healing process. 3 weeks ago today was my procedure and I still have moments where I get close to tears. I bled for almost 2 weeks and it was a constant reminder. I also was still too puffy for my normal clothes so I was wearing my maternity pants.

I would have a talk with hubby and tell him about all the physical things you are feeling - he can't experience them first hand. Chris did get over it more quickly on the outside then I did. I think because it happened in us.  I tried telling Chris that at 8:30am on 6/19 my body thought that I was pregnant at 9am the same day everything telling it that was gone. My body was in chaos!

Take the time you need off work - start back fresh on monday if that is what you feel is right - pamper yourself this weekend!

*hugs*

Liz

PS - I called the Dr and got put on xanxax for a few days - it was a total god send! No harm in a little pharmaceutical intervention!

You're feelings are similar to mine were, so you MUST be normal LOL

Men, by nature, are logical problem-solvers. I'm guessing your DH thinks that charging ahead is the way that HE would deal with the loss. Women, by nature, are emotional and feel everything with our hearts first.

Explain exactly how you're feeling to your DH. Tell him you just want him to listen and that you don't want him to try and solve it. Assure him that you just need time to grieve and tell him, in specifics, what you would like him to do or not do to help.

Healing is a process, and you WILL get through this. Lean on us and vent as often as you need. Before you know it, you will be surprised that you actually smiled without trying or had a real laugh over something. And you will feel hope again. I'm here if you need to chat.

Hugs,

When I had my MC a friend who had also been through it said something that helped me understand it better. 

She said that men don't bond with the baby until it's born and they can see it, hold it, etc.  As women, we feel the bond forming as soon as we know we're pregnant so we actually grieve.  I know I felt bonded right away.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started driving like there was a baby in the car and generally acting differently.  It's something a man cannot grasp and even some women if they've never been through it.

So, you ARE taking it harder than him and that's ok.  It's ok that he has moved on and it's ok that you can't yet.  I really wanted my husband to feel as much grief as I did but he just didn't and at some point I realized that it was not a shortcoming on his part and that it must be very difficult for him to relate to how I was feeling and be sympathetic to that. 

All I can say is try to explain this to your husband and maybe he'll get it.  Mine did eventually. 

Hugs.

Kathy,

When I miscarried in March I took a week off.  When I returned it was very hard.  I cried at work, in front of the nurses I work with.  I still cry today, when I think about it. 

The good thing that I found was after I got past the initial rounds of how are you?, are you sure your ready to be back? Work was a good distraction for me.

Take your time it gets easier.