OT Meddling In-Laws, objective opinions?

I need honest and objective opinions. LONG vent so grab some caffeine!

As you know, we live next door to my IL's. I usually lock the door, but after a rough morning yesterday, I forgot.


Everett had vomited all over me & the couch. I stripped down, cleaned the mess and had just gotten him settled in his crib when the IL's start coming in the door. I quickly covered with a blanket and stayed on the couch. DS (8) was coloring pictures @ the coffee table.

IL's said DS told them that we weren't sending him to summer camp this year as it's too much $ ($1,000 for 2 wks). DS understood and was fine with it. The only reason we sent him that one and only time was because it's when I was having my RNY and there was no one to take care of him.

So the IL's tell me they want to pay to send him to camp and that's it's so sad that he's being deprived. I explained that DS understood the expense was too much and that while I don't normally involve him in money matters, I felt being honest in this case was a good thing and teaches him the value of money. I also said that we buy pretty much everything for the kids and that going without wasn't the worst thing in the world. They kept insisting that they wanted him to go and that he shouldn't be made to miss out because our finances are tight. It was left that I wouldn't accept, but that I'd run it by DH just to be fair.

DH agrees with me and goes to tell them thanks but no thanks. The IL's then tell him how pathetic it was to come over and see DS inside coloring in a coloring book while I'm laying on the couch in a blanket. WTF? I was in underwear so I HAD to be in a blanket. And is an 8 year old coloring indoors a horrible thing? They said it was sad that there aren't any neighborhood kids for him to play with and that I don't do play dates for him, that he was just sitting around all summer.

DS is a TV lover, but is only allowed 30 mins of cartoons/day. I take the kids out almost daily to run errands, etc. I bring them for evening walks and bike rides. They play outdoors together in the dirt, sandbox, swingset or mini pool. He has a 4-wheeler that he can ride in the field behind our house. He loves to read and draw - putting together his own books and paperwork daily. His room is literally FILLED with toys, esp. Legos. He doesn't much care for outdoor activities but loves our daily bike rides.


I run our home-based business and have a cell phone with me at all times. DH works hard so I can be home with all 3 kids after having DS in daycare the first 4 yrs of his life. He is very active during the school year with sports and extracurricular classes. We offer that he can sign up for anything as long as he sees it through. We do play dates occasionally on weekends, but I haven't since being PG and having so many health issues last year.



So honestly, am I depriving him? Should I be doing more? Is letting the kids lounge, relax and have just us time bad? Do other parents keep their kids really busy all summer?

I do not plan to take them up on their offer, and they know that. But I find it hurtful and cowardly that they have the audacity to imply to DH that I'm not parenting as I should and it shakes up the confidence that I thought I had.

Thanks ladies!

Ugh.....I had too much caffeeine (diet coke) yesterday so I moved to water :) and drank that while reading :)

First of all, don't let someone else shake your confidence (so much easier said than done I know)....you are an AMAZING mother....AMAZING.....if nothing else works try to self talk yourself that you are an amazing mother.....you really are!!!!

Although I do not have other children and Nathan can entertain himself, etc. I do not think you are depriving your son of anything....I know many friends that have children his age and I don't think they do as much as you do at all....in fact one friend's son stays home with his older sister during the day while the parents work....they may do things during the evening but not much....the biggest thing he does is play baseball and the only event that he is going to do this summer is go to a one week camp on baseball....but that is it....you do tons more.....and I think your idea of teaching the kids about finances are great....if grandma and grandpa come and help out an expectation may become an expectation.....not a good thing for the kids to learn.....

And it is all perception on the coloring and sitting under a blanket on the couch....I hate that when people take the perception and think that is the norm.....you should not have to explain it to them but you may want to if it bothers you...sometimes for me it is best for me to tell them how it made me feel....depends upon how close you are with them....

Hang in there....and so try not to let it bother you...confront them if that will help you better.....and remember you are an AMAZING mother.....and wife......

love ya,

Ann

isnt it funny that they come in at the end of a crisis and really have no idea whats going on.. but just kinda guess and then run with it?... no... you are not depriving them.. my mom and dad both worked... so i HAD t do the summer camp thing every year... while it was fun... i also wish i had that down time during the summer... i think you are doing fine

Wow!! I can so relate!! My MIL lives with us and is constantly underminding my parenting!! You sound like an amazing mother and it is none of their business whether your kids are in PJ's all summer or busy everyday!! You know your kids best and teaching them to do without is character building and HEALTHY!! Down time is also HEALTHY!! Coloring is a great thing!! Stimulates focus, creativity, hand eye coordination and so many other things!! I would be so hurt, but I have learned that I have to trust myself and not let these inappropriate comments effect me...(easier said than done I know). You enjoy your kids however you want...and if there is a day that you CHOOSE to sit in a blanket on the couch...remember to LOCK THE DOOR! LOL Blessings!

Wow, definite meddling sensed here. While I am sure their intentions may be good I think they did overstep some boundaries and their assumptions were far fetched.  It sounds like your children are very fortunate to have a SAHM and one that dedicates time to their interests. I do not think it is bad if the kids want to stay in. Not all kids like the outdoors or running around and prefer to stay in and color, play with toys, watch tv, etc The school year could also wear him out if has a lot of sports and other activities. The camp may be fun but is expensive, especially for 2 weeks, and if your son is old enough to understand and be okay with it as well as learn the values of money, etc I think that is great. I am sure there are other options, if he really wants to, like a local church or YMCA type camp and that would be less inexpensive as well but even so are not required. I have seen some kids that come to expect and want everything and when they do not get it are devastated and become ill behaved so the fact that your son took it so well is a testament to you. I hope it works out soon and that the situation can be resolved. I would definitely explain to them what had happened the day they walked in although NOT necessary just so they can see how ill founded their assumptions were. If your kids are clean healhty, fed and happy I do not think it matters if you are in PJ's or a ballgown!

First off----If my MIL walked into my house without knocking(next door or not), I would've thrown the freakin remote at her...hehe. Secondly,(remember my oldest is 15), I've been through the camp thing. Alex HAD to go to camp because I worked back then. He never made any lasting friends and his real friends were usually at different camps. Summer is TOO short now. It is good for them to relax and enjoy the lazy days of summer. People are in such a damn hurry these days. It is a gift you are giving him to learn to sit and be quiet and soak up the things that are surrounding him.

Again---chuck the damn remote.. at them..and tell them if they REALLY want to help your son, they'll drop that grand in a college fund...
hehe.

You are a great mommy.

Hugs,
Angie

gosh i love you angie....great insight and humorous as usual.....and great comment on the college fund....great point!!!!! :)

how you doing???

My mother in law tried that stuff with me also and it drives me nuts. My kids now are 15 and 10 and trying to keep them out of the house IS the problem. They dont want to go anywhere or do anything. I have to drag my 15 year old out to do anything. My 10 year old is easier but really they like to relax and sit at home. It is 109 here so maybe that does not help. I dont like to be outside either. Even by 9 at night its in the 90's. YUCK!! So I took then swimming once and my 15 year old sat on a bench. Take them to movies sometimes and thats ok. Other than that they want to do what they want to do. Sit and veg out on the tv or games or we sit and talk about strange friends. I say let them make some choices too. You will definately know if they are bored. SO dont worry about what anyone else says. They dont know your kids the way you do. Sometimes inlaws are a pain. Mine live about 10 miles away and luckily we avoid them most of the time. Or maybe they would hate me more. I used to not say anything to them but now I do. I actually say things just to frustrate them. I am like that though. :) Instigate things myself. I hope it gets better but dont let anyone make you feel bad for doing what your kids seem to enjoy!!

I am most upset about the comment that you were laying around in your PJ's. SO WHAT you JUST had a baby not very long ago. I am sure when you MIL gave birth she stayed in bed for a week (unless she is younger LOL).

We actually had a similar thing happen last year. My MIL has dementia and my SIL pays Savannah to live over there on her breaks and vacations. They overpay her and spoil her rotten. Last year we paid for her to go to one week of camp and at the last minute they wanted her to go another week and paid for it. I was happy that Savannah got the opportunity to go and it wasn't on my dime.

I would sit down with your inlaws and tell them how hurt you were by their comments about you. Explain to them that what you do is not any of their business and that they need to call if they are coming over or they won't be welcome.

Part of the reason we moved to a rural area is because we hated the overly nosy neighbors. For 11 years we put up with the queen of gossip and when her venom was directed at me it was shocking. I can't even imagine having family that close SHUDDER.

In my family we have a rule of 3's.   3 refusals and then all bets are off.   So I would have refused 3 times and then taken their money, lol.   Their tactics and the way they went about it were all wrong, and they are completely off base about your parenting style, but I would have taken their money and sent my kid to camp. 


Is it going to be the end of the world if your son doesn't go to camp, of course not!  Is it going to be an even bigger catastrophe if he wants to do his own thing and stay inside, no way.  

So my advice, tell your IL's to sit and spin, but take their money and run.   Send the kid to camp.