I really need advice. If you have any...please tell me!

I will try to abbreviate the long story w/o leaving the meat and potatoes.  DH and I just had a baby just over 3 months ago, who is the addition to my 6 an 4 yo (from another rel.)  DH has a 21 yo daughter also from a prev. relationship.   It's always been just ( us 5) and Megan (his 21yo) would come by on the weekends and some time with everyone.  Never an issue because I love her!  Well yesterday she got caught writing checks to herself and cashing them...a total of $600.  HELLO...FELONY!!!  Her mother is the person she stole that money from (thankfully not us) and she has decided after great debate to NOT file charges against Megan.  However, she has kicked her out of the house (as I would have too), she was kicked out of her Grandma's house too for stealing cash out of her daytimer, and now guess where she is?  My house because she has no where else to go now.  Mind you, we are in the process of trying to buy a house, I live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath small home.  I do not have room for 6 people!! 

Where I need the advice:  Since her mother is not pressing charges and we took her in w/o question, what is her slap on the wrist?  What is going to stop her from doing it to us?  I do not want her at my home.  She does NOT have a job (she did have an interview today) so now we are supporting another person!  I am just feeling so sad and overwhelmed.  My DH of course is happy to have her there, but knows that I am not happy with it and do not want this to be long term at all.  I told him I would give it 30 days (which seems like an eternity) and then after that me and the kids are out!  There is not enough room for all of us to breathe!

Any one have some wisdom to shine on me?  Any advice on what to do since there is apparently no consequences for stealing someone's checks and commiting fraud in our house!  (Hey come on down!!)  Please help me.

Plus the baby still wakes up every 2-3 hours to eat at night and I am just too tired any more!

You and your husband should have a discussion and then he needs to talk to her.    His daughter is 21 years old she should have a job and be able to support herself.  I would give her 30 days to live with you guys , find a job and a place to live.   She shouldn't be on a vacation!  She should have to give you guys a plan of how she is going to get a job and find a place to live.   She should be working every day to accomplish this.
 End of discussion.   You guys are in no position to take someone in your home.  You have a new baby.   
Hope that helps. :)

I cant believe noone is making her pay some consequences. Seems the adults are failing her as an adult who should know that everything has a consequence. Has he even talked about those situations with her or is everyone afraid to confront her? Sounds like at 21 she should be a little bit better off with life and not living off of everyone in her life. I am a harsh person now cause my sisters kids do the same crap to her. She lets them and so not only does it continue it gets worse. I would not let her alone. Not leave money or purses around. I would be checking pockets before she goes out. That is all me though. I would not let her stay long and if she has 2 weeks of no job or no interviews or no hussling she needs to get out and start to figure out how hard the real world is.
Now the nice side says to be nice but thats hard for me. I have been taken advantage of and I know it only makes things worse for the user. Just talk to your husband about how strongly you feel and make some rules. Figure out the best course for you guys as a family and not just him wanting to take care of his daughter which I understand. Stick with the rules and the plan. No feeling bad and going back on it.
There is so much that can happen in this situation and its very hard to say what is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong though from any other situation but how you guys feel. What is best for you as a family is what will work.
Good luck on this one though cause that can be very difficult. I hope everything works out so well or you guys and hope you get the house you want also!

Yikes - MAJOR stress!  So sorry you're having to deal with all of this right now.

I don't have personal experience with this, but what about a contract?  Sounds silly, but you and DH come up with some basic house rules and type them/write them.  Sit her down and go over the rules and have her (and you guys) sign the contract.  Be sure to decide on what the consequence is for breaking the contract.

For example, the rules might be:

1)  She pays half of the phone bill and contributes $50/week toward groceries
2)  She does not stay out past midnight
3)  There will be not theft of any kind tolerated
4)  Lying is not accepted

The consequence for any of these could be that she is kicked out.  Long and short of it, it's your home and your rules.  Even if she were 40 years old, living with you is a privilege and she needs to offer you both the respect that you deserve.

Good luck!

Hugs,
 

I agree w/making some very firm, set rules that co-relate to the way you are raising your other children...and make sure she understands that a violation of them equals the boot.  Period.  Also...I'd be wondering myself since this is an ongoing problem with her...does she have a drug problem or something that she's stealing money to feed?  I know not all thieves are drug addicts, but maybe it's just my naivete thinking that most kids wouldn't be stealing from family unless there's a reason behind it.

I also agree very much w/making her contribute something to the house...whether it's money if she's working...or helping out around the house - watching the younger kids if you need help, doing dishes, helping w/cooking...whatever you deem her able to do.

Also...if you're not willing to let her off w/o evena slap on the wrist...I'd set that rule even w/your DH right now too...that if she steals from you...you won't ignore it...you will call the police.  If someone doesn't stop her now, she's only going to progress to bigger crimes.

Congrats on your new little one....while I am sure you are thrilled about your new gift I am sure you are stressed and tired too...am very sorry for that!

I have to agree with the others....set a contract, be firm, make her contribute.....tough love! You will have to be firm with your husband too....while I have never been in your situation or your hubby's I am sure being firm, etc. will be hard....but tough love helps those to not take advantage of you....don't let her walk all over you either.....

I too would unfortunately hide valuables that could be pawned or sold for cash, money, check books, credit cards, etc. You are trying to buy a house for heaven's sake.....

I also believe in positive reinforcement too...so when you see her doing good (ex. interviewing, helping around the house, etc.)...let her know how thankful you are and thank her....sometimes killing people with kindness while being firm helps....

Hang in there....you are in my thoughts and prayers!

I am sorry that you rae going through all of this - let alone with a newborn in the house! I have a cousin who is almost 18 who pulls the same crap - she has never been parented and gets away with it - she's been arrested TWICE for underage drinking.

Anyway - my point, I think that the tough love thing might work - sometimes I think that these kids do this stuff for attention that they otherwise arne't getting. I think that you and hubby need to talk and he needs to step up to the plate and talk to his daughter. I think that the contract is a great idea - let her know, in writing what her guidelines are - like a lease on an apartment. She is an adult - time to act like one. Walmart and grocery stores are almost always hiring.

Hope things turn around quickly!

Liz