I am going to be okay!

This last week has been pure and utter HELL!  I think the hardest thing is that I looked and felt pregnant.  Although I had lost two pregnancies before my boys I just wasn't expecting it this time.  When I went to the Dr. last Wednesday I actually expected to have twins because I was so big or my due date moved ahead.  I definitely wasn't expecting the baby to have no heartbeat.  I guess none of us expect something like that.

Here I am, a week later, still wondering what the heck happened and "why me?"  I'll never have the answers to these questions and will just have to move forward with my life and raise the two precious boys that I have been blessed with. They truly are my miracles and a blessing!!!  They don't need to know how close they were to having a sibling nor will they ever know how much they helped me overcome one on the most horrific weeks of my life.  Although I now have 3 angels in heaven, the two that hold my hand, kiss my cheeks, sing me songs, love me unconditionally and keep my heart beating are right here with me on earth.

I have been in the shoes of everyone on this board; I have been TTC and wondering why not me, finally finding out I'm pregnant and wondering what if and saying so many prayers to keep my baby safe, having a cramp/bleeding that did spell out bad news for me instead of good and wondering why me, going through infertility to finally conceive the baby I got to keep and being deathly afraid every second that I was going to lose this one too, finally enjoying the pregnancy but still having that fear in the back of my mind that something could still go wrong but keeping the hope alive.  Finding out that whoops, we've got another one coming.  I've been up all night with screaming, colicky newborns.  Nursed sick little boys to health and listened to the pitter patter on the floor and getting my heart broken when they fell and hurt themselves.

Life is so fragile and I am so thankful to have experienced all the wonderful things that you are going through, have gone through and yet to go through.  I would not change a moment of any of these experiences because they have made me who I am: a loving, strong women who knows that whatever curve ball life throws at me, I can still come out ahead and celebrate the miracles in life that we so often forget about or take for granted.

I will be okay!  Thank you for all of your love and support and "listening" to my rambling.  Sounds like I needed to get it out and read it so I could believe it.

Kelly,

That was a very touching post!!!  It puts things in perspective.  THANK YOU!

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Carroll

you are a very strong woman

I admire you.

hugs

THat was an awsome post and left me crying my eyes out. You are a VERY STRONG woman and you are right, you do have 2 precious gifts right here on earth with you!

Liz

Oh my love.. you are one of my best friends and I am so proud that you can be this strong. you do have a wonderful boys. I love ya.. you are blessed more than you even know..

hugz jen

Beautiful words!  Sending you lots of hugs and understanding.

Kelly,

I am glad you're going to be okay; it takes a strong person to go through what you just have.

Thanks for sharing; it really makes me appreciate what I do have even more!

Tanja

Kelly,

What an awesome perspective on life you have even after all you've been through.

Your post made me cry!

Cindy

You simply amaze....beautiful post from a strong woman.....you are still in my thoughts and prayers......you WILL be okay.....

xoxoxo

Kelly

You sure are one strong woman and I admire you very much so. This post was very touching. I wish I could take your pain away, but I do promise one thing and that is it will get better in time.
 You are very right as well that you are a loving and strong women.
 Please do know you are not alone and we are all here for you. If you need to vent or a shoulder to cry please do PM me anytime and I will be more than happy to give you my cell and home number.


BIG hugs
Sandy