OMG - The pain is unreal!!! (LONG & TMI)
First off, thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers. I can't begin to tell you what a blessing you all have been during this really difficult time.
I had my ultrasound this morning and it confirmed that there was no fetal heartbeat. I had already figured that the diagnosis was correct as my HCG had dropped so dramatically. Since I've had two previous miscarriages, I knew the meaning of that and although I wanted to stay positive, I knew better. The baby measured at 8 weeks so it probably was a couple of weeks ago that I actually lost it.
I had three choices to make: a D & C - which I was reluctant to do since I had one previously and the risks apparently go up for infection and damage with each one. I was also leery about being put under again. My second choice was to let the body naturally take care of it and since it's been 2 1/2 weeks already and nothing happened I was afraid I would end up with a D & C anyways. The 3rd option (which the nurse really seemed to recommend) was to insert 4 tablets of Cytotec vaginally tonight and tomorrow (at home) which would induce contractions and cause my uterus to empty. I chose this option although I was really nervous about doing it at home with the kids.
Anyways, I started at 8:30 this evening and within a 1/2 hour I was cramping, shaking, shivering and my heart was fluttering. After an hour of feeling this way and my cramping rapidly increasing I think I went into shock because I couldn't talk to my husband and I was in la-la land. About 11:30 my water basically broke and I have been in the most intense pain I have ever felt. (Although I am basically in labor - it never felt like this) I still haven't "lost" the baby and I'm terrified that when I do, I will see a fetus which I was told was a possibility.
I'm not sharing all of this to make you feel sorry for me or scare you but I just wanted you to know that if you know someone who has to make a difficult choice like this, don't choose this option. The pain is absolutely unreal! I will take labor any day over this. AND... I have to do it again tomorrow!
As for my husband, has been absolutely amazing. Although I thought that he would be relieved he was very disappointed and upset. He actually said that he was getting excited about the baby and although he knew it wouldn't be easy, he was already making plans and even said that he might like to try for another one (NOPE). He was also hoping it was a little girl. He has been taking such good care of me and I couldn't ask for more support. I'm very glad that we hadn't told our boys about it and his parents.
I'm trying to sound so composed and matter of fact but the absolute truth is I'm a mess. I'm very, very disappointed and I keep asking myself what I did wrong. It's so easy to blame myself as I've been distraught and upset for the last month and everyone kept telling me it wasn't good for the baby. Holy cow - I'm feeling like I did this and it's all my fault. I am heartbroken and feel guilty and I hope that these feelings will pass so I can live with myself!
Ladies - you are wonderful and I couldn't have made it without your support! I hope that all of you TTC get a BFP soon, those who just found out have a very sticky bean and those baking, have a happy and healthy nine months.
Goodnight!
I had my ultrasound this morning and it confirmed that there was no fetal heartbeat. I had already figured that the diagnosis was correct as my HCG had dropped so dramatically. Since I've had two previous miscarriages, I knew the meaning of that and although I wanted to stay positive, I knew better. The baby measured at 8 weeks so it probably was a couple of weeks ago that I actually lost it.
I had three choices to make: a D & C - which I was reluctant to do since I had one previously and the risks apparently go up for infection and damage with each one. I was also leery about being put under again. My second choice was to let the body naturally take care of it and since it's been 2 1/2 weeks already and nothing happened I was afraid I would end up with a D & C anyways. The 3rd option (which the nurse really seemed to recommend) was to insert 4 tablets of Cytotec vaginally tonight and tomorrow (at home) which would induce contractions and cause my uterus to empty. I chose this option although I was really nervous about doing it at home with the kids.
Anyways, I started at 8:30 this evening and within a 1/2 hour I was cramping, shaking, shivering and my heart was fluttering. After an hour of feeling this way and my cramping rapidly increasing I think I went into shock because I couldn't talk to my husband and I was in la-la land. About 11:30 my water basically broke and I have been in the most intense pain I have ever felt. (Although I am basically in labor - it never felt like this) I still haven't "lost" the baby and I'm terrified that when I do, I will see a fetus which I was told was a possibility.
I'm not sharing all of this to make you feel sorry for me or scare you but I just wanted you to know that if you know someone who has to make a difficult choice like this, don't choose this option. The pain is absolutely unreal! I will take labor any day over this. AND... I have to do it again tomorrow!
As for my husband, has been absolutely amazing. Although I thought that he would be relieved he was very disappointed and upset. He actually said that he was getting excited about the baby and although he knew it wouldn't be easy, he was already making plans and even said that he might like to try for another one (NOPE). He was also hoping it was a little girl. He has been taking such good care of me and I couldn't ask for more support. I'm very glad that we hadn't told our boys about it and his parents.
I'm trying to sound so composed and matter of fact but the absolute truth is I'm a mess. I'm very, very disappointed and I keep asking myself what I did wrong. It's so easy to blame myself as I've been distraught and upset for the last month and everyone kept telling me it wasn't good for the baby. Holy cow - I'm feeling like I did this and it's all my fault. I am heartbroken and feel guilty and I hope that these feelings will pass so I can live with myself!
Ladies - you are wonderful and I couldn't have made it without your support! I hope that all of you TTC get a BFP soon, those who just found out have a very sticky bean and those baking, have a happy and healthy nine months.
Goodnight!
(deactivated member)
on 5/21/09 7:45 pm
on 5/21/09 7:45 pm
Oh Kelly, I'm so very very sorry you are in pain. Like you need that on top of everything else...ugh.
I've never heard of the process they are putting you through....it sounds awful.
I am relieved to hear that your husband has been strong for you - Lord knows you need that. And girl, you did NOTHING wrong. You know as well as anyone this is totally outside of your control - that's what makes it suck so bad. Do NOT beat yourself up. Be kind and gentle with you - when this is over, please do something that is good for your head and your heart, ok?
I wish you were closer - I would give you a big hug. :( My thoughts are with you.
Sharon
I've never heard of the process they are putting you through....it sounds awful.
I am relieved to hear that your husband has been strong for you - Lord knows you need that. And girl, you did NOTHING wrong. You know as well as anyone this is totally outside of your control - that's what makes it suck so bad. Do NOT beat yourself up. Be kind and gentle with you - when this is over, please do something that is good for your head and your heart, ok?
I wish you were closer - I would give you a big hug. :( My thoughts are with you.
Sharon
Kelly,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Our hearts are breaking for you. The process you are going through sounds rough. I am glad your husband is showing you the support you deserve.
Grieve and feel whatever you need to feel. Just know that you did NOTHING wrong.
We are all here if you need anything!!! ((HUGS)) and sending thoughts your way.
Traci
I am so sorry you are going through this. Our hearts are breaking for you. The process you are going through sounds rough. I am glad your husband is showing you the support you deserve.
Grieve and feel whatever you need to feel. Just know that you did NOTHING wrong.
We are all here if you need anything!!! ((HUGS)) and sending thoughts your way.
Traci
Kelly,
I am very sorry for your loss and know the pain, both emotional and physical that you are experiencing right now. I have experienced 1 stillbirth at 35wks and 3 m/c at 6wk, 11.5wks, and 16wks. If you need anyone to talk too, please feel free to ask.. I will lend my ear. Here is a summary of things from 2 of my m/c's. Please call your doctor if at ANY time something doesn't FEEL right or you are having a lot of blood loss. HUGS to you!!
I had a scheduled D&C at 11.5 wks along, but I started to m/c that morning by myself and it all happened at home.. water broke... contractions...little tiny baby. (sorry if TMI...but you may want to prepare yourself, don't know if you saw a fetus w/a heart tone as of yet) I ended up having the scheduled D&C anyway, because I was bleeding profusely. (TMI coming up...stop if you are grossed out) so also be prepared.
Stop now to avoid gross, unpleasant thoughts.
We had to drive from my house to the hospital where my doctor is which is normally 35 mins 30 if you're speeding. Well traffic delay due to construction and we ended up going an alternate route... took 1 hour. Thankfully, I had put a huge bath towel folded up between my legs, then panties, then thick sweat pants and a sweat shirt... AND a towel on the seat. By the time we got to the hospital I was drenched in blood all the way up to my sweatshirt. I stood up to walk into the ER and I had a gush of blood down to my ankles. I had HUGE clots when they got my clothes off. The pain of the contractions (they say cramps... but those aren't F*ing cramps... those are contractions, i've had babies before) was still there and I was still just bleeding and clotting. Dr. did quick u/s and did the D&C... barely bled after that.
Had another m/c at 16wks and was going to be induced at night at the hospital because I didn't want a D&C with my baby already being that developed. It bothered me. So I again the morning of my scheduled evening induction, my body took over and I started contracting. We had to drive into Pittsburgh this time w/ a minimum 45mins-1hour commute... thankfully it was sooner than later. DH asked if I wanted to go to the parking garage with him or him drop me off in front. I told him... better do it in front. Thank God he did... I walked in 5 feet into the door and my water broke (a lot of water this time) right in front of the information desk and they whisked me away to the ER in a wheelchair. Baby was out as soon as I got to the bed.... BUT... I was basically hemorrhaging on the table... a lot of the nurses looked a little surprised by all the blood. I was in A TON of pain... and the placenta was still in there and wouldn't detach and the doc was afraid to pull at it. So I had another D&C. Had lots of wonderful people to attended to me... great drugs and felt nothing.
A lot of doctors are not 'aggressive' when they are performing their D&C's because they don't want to risk damaging your uterus. Many just dilate you and use gentle suction.... especially if they are just removing debris, like in my case. I think most try to avoid currette usage.
I am very sorry for your loss and know the pain, both emotional and physical that you are experiencing right now. I have experienced 1 stillbirth at 35wks and 3 m/c at 6wk, 11.5wks, and 16wks. If you need anyone to talk too, please feel free to ask.. I will lend my ear. Here is a summary of things from 2 of my m/c's. Please call your doctor if at ANY time something doesn't FEEL right or you are having a lot of blood loss. HUGS to you!!
I had a scheduled D&C at 11.5 wks along, but I started to m/c that morning by myself and it all happened at home.. water broke... contractions...little tiny baby. (sorry if TMI...but you may want to prepare yourself, don't know if you saw a fetus w/a heart tone as of yet) I ended up having the scheduled D&C anyway, because I was bleeding profusely. (TMI coming up...stop if you are grossed out) so also be prepared.
Stop now to avoid gross, unpleasant thoughts.
We had to drive from my house to the hospital where my doctor is which is normally 35 mins 30 if you're speeding. Well traffic delay due to construction and we ended up going an alternate route... took 1 hour. Thankfully, I had put a huge bath towel folded up between my legs, then panties, then thick sweat pants and a sweat shirt... AND a towel on the seat. By the time we got to the hospital I was drenched in blood all the way up to my sweatshirt. I stood up to walk into the ER and I had a gush of blood down to my ankles. I had HUGE clots when they got my clothes off. The pain of the contractions (they say cramps... but those aren't F*ing cramps... those are contractions, i've had babies before) was still there and I was still just bleeding and clotting. Dr. did quick u/s and did the D&C... barely bled after that.
Had another m/c at 16wks and was going to be induced at night at the hospital because I didn't want a D&C with my baby already being that developed. It bothered me. So I again the morning of my scheduled evening induction, my body took over and I started contracting. We had to drive into Pittsburgh this time w/ a minimum 45mins-1hour commute... thankfully it was sooner than later. DH asked if I wanted to go to the parking garage with him or him drop me off in front. I told him... better do it in front. Thank God he did... I walked in 5 feet into the door and my water broke (a lot of water this time) right in front of the information desk and they whisked me away to the ER in a wheelchair. Baby was out as soon as I got to the bed.... BUT... I was basically hemorrhaging on the table... a lot of the nurses looked a little surprised by all the blood. I was in A TON of pain... and the placenta was still in there and wouldn't detach and the doc was afraid to pull at it. So I had another D&C. Had lots of wonderful people to attended to me... great drugs and felt nothing.
A lot of doctors are not 'aggressive' when they are performing their D&C's because they don't want to risk damaging your uterus. Many just dilate you and use gentle suction.... especially if they are just removing debris, like in my case. I think most try to avoid currette usage.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is awful. The pain is completely different then regular labor. I know how you feel. I had a d &c also cause I waited for 2 weeks and then when everything started passing I began to hemmorage. Just make sure to keep an eye on the amount of tissue you are shedding and be careful to not let it get too bad. Your husband is a great person to be there for you. A lot of men have no clue as to how to help. Nothing you have done has caused this. So remember that. I know it is so easy to say we could have done this or should have done that but it is not helpful. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!
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