OT: Help...My In-Laws Dislike Fat People

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with my in-laws. (This is not pregnancy related...)

Oh my goodness...please keep in mind I'm still recovering from a weekend away with 3 members of my in-law family (MIL, SIL, and Aunt-in-law). We were all at a beachside resort* for a convention and ladies' weekend away.

[*Yeah, this "resort" was on the beach, that was great....but they were short of coffee, towels, and toilet paper....for a covention weekend that sold out many months ago! This place was heinous and I've never been so happy to come home in my life. As Dorothy in the Wizart of Oz says "There's no place like home."]

Background: I really like my inlaws, overall. So many people I know have horrible relationships/resentments/dynamics with their inlaws. Until recently, I've counted myself as fortunate since I've had a functional relationship with all my in-laws. Since I am married to their only son (the other three children are daughters), there is automatically a different dymanic. I'm NOT close with my own family or step-family, therefore I have no tolerance for others' in my business.

My MIL is very sweet and doesn't have a malicious bone in her body. She does, however, have a tendency to majorly-overthink situations that have NOTHING to do with her and offer suggestions and/or advice in an unsolicited manner. Examples: "Gee, Paula, it's a shame you choose to eat butter." "Gee, Paula, it's a shame you don't do more with your creativity." (Get the picture?)

My MIL is a self-proclaimed meddler, and this is why I choose not to be super-close emotionally with her. I see her several times a week and like her, but I keep my mouth shut whenever there is so much as a whispering voice in my head asking "Does she need to know this...?" This was a driving force behind staying "mum" on the ART & IVF and long process to conceive. No one in the family knew we were attempting to start a family. "Our bedroom, our business" is what it came down to for me.

Fast forward to our "fancy" weekend away....during the main banquet, our server was a large woman...I can't say for sure whether she was morbidly obese, but she was obese. Every single time the waitress interacted with our table, my in-laws would sigh or their body lanuguage seemed to indicate they were uncomforable. They made a few slight comments about her being rude...and I honestly thought that was an assumption they made since she didn't seem rude based on what I heard and observed, seated directly beside my in-laws.

Now, my in-laws know I'm a fatty at heart. Although my GBS was in 2000, 3 years before I met them, they are aware of it. They've known me as a size 14 (a wee bit bigger now due to pregnancy)...which I'm sure is beyond comprehension to my size 2 SIL (a different SIL than the one at the weekend getaway) who spent Easter reciting Fat ******* jokes/lines at the dinner table. (Yes, really) This is how fat-phobia that runs in the family. All dairy products in their home are fat free: milk, cottage cheese, yogurt, cheese. They NEVER use butter...rather they opt for crisco and stick margarine. (Don't get me started on that one....)

Bottom line: I'm feeling incredibly frustrated and alone. I find thier behavior VERY juvenile and judgemental and I'm forming MAJOR RESENTMENTS as a result. God forbid my baby be chubby...I can't just imagine the **** they might say (I'm projecting here...which is never healthy)...."Gee, it's a shame you feed your baby xyz." "Gee, it's a shame your baby  is fat." UGH!

I'm still so furious/upset that I'm having troubling thinking rationally about my options here. I want to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. It seems it's gone on long enough already.

Any ideas?

Thanks for letting me vent.

--Paula

I have no advice for you. I just thought I'd let you know that women like that are completely insecure. hehe--and after years of not seeing my MIL *****fered to me as "the fat *****"(not because I was ever mean---just because I was fat and any woman she doesn't agree with is a *****) We finally allowed her to come over when  I was eight months pregnant and three sizes smaller than her. LMAO.  She weighed 83 lbs when I met her and bragged about it. Now, after years of making fun of heavy people, she is a size 18 and stands just 5 ft. tall. Her own daughter is embarrassed to be seen with her. She is being forced to see the evilness of what she has done. Sometimes, people get what they give.

Big Hugs,
Angie

I'm sorry.  I can understand your frustrations.  I am sure that this wouldn't be extremely helpful and it may make conditions worse, but it may open her eyes to her insensitiveness.  Could you possibly  try being over critical of a flaw she has???  Like throw a comment back at her the EXACT way she said it to you.  Show her that she isn't free from issues/flaws and that until she is that perhaps she should keep her trap shut.  Like for instance:

"It's a shame that you can't say nice things to people and keep your nose out of other peoples business"

"It's a shame that you raised your daughters to have such issues with other people and their appearances."

"It's a shame that you guys show such prejudice against people that have a different body type than you... don't you feel that he/she has issues that they are struggling with and maybe people who are prejudiced against them are a major contributing factor.  Hence, your comments and comments from people LIKE you are only making he/she fatter.  It's a shame your helping keep that person FAT"

(that last one may be a bit over the edge.. but I don't know exactly everything they have said)

Good Luck.  I love my inlaws and am very glad to have them... although I am sure that they have thoughts that pass through their head, too.  SIL is a size 0 and MIL is like 4 (maybe) and tells my kids they need to sugar "detox" after my wedding weekend (lots of celebrating foodwise that weekend) and MIL made comments in regard to my sweet tea consumption.  Not all my tea is sweetened with sugar ya know.  Sometimes it's splenda.  I know about my own addictions... and I don't let my kids have tons of sugar.  I throw away or donate tons candy after the holidays... my kids never eat a lot of it... AND my kids rarely drink sugary drinks...water, milk, juice (sometimes) and SF koolaid.  They have a soda once in a while like if we are out to eat or something.  Even a MCD's meal usually has milk and not soda.  IF you compared my kids with the rest of the kids around here... you would find that they are the MINORITY when it comes to eating.  They eat healthy snacks and they also don't overeat (Maddie would if I let her though)  My 2 oldest kids are considered underweight for their age group. Maddie is a normal size with a small amount of baby pudge left... but I make suggestions for eating when she wants to make a choice that isn't great.... like instead of 2nds on a dinner... how about she wait a few minutes to see if she is still hungry or maybe eat an apple instead. 

 SO I understand your frustrations slightly.  I think my Inlaws are just a little better at holding their tongues. 

Hugs
B

Oh Paula- I am so sorry that you have to deal with that in any way.  My husband's parents (they are not my family) are rotten idoits.  They didnt come to my wedding...then when we did visit his father said "I hope your not worthless like the last one (DH had married right out of High School and divorced), and you can have some kids".  At the time I had infertility and couldnt have children.  Then DH went outside to fix the car for him, and his father came back in to sit on the sofa and his hand was greasy so he rubbed it down the side of my face and laughed.  Anyways- we kept mum about having kids, and would say someday.  So, when we did tell them about Sophie I was over 20 weeks pregnant, and they just said "oh we thought you were gaining weight again" and his father said "just want we need another grandbaby".  No congrats, nothing.  So they have never seen my daughter.  I did out of respect send them a birth announcement, but nothing since, and I have never let them near her.  They abused my husband growing up, and me the few times they have met me, but they won't have that oppertunity with my daughter.  Now DH has asked them to come to a family members house to see Sophie (we can't go there because of the smoke issue) but they have refused. With the two or three times he has offerred I just prayed they wouldn't...I am glad he is starting to see how they really are as people.  I guess my point is with some people you can't win.  I bet if the baby is thin or chubby there will be remarks that are the "it's a shame" type. And now with that way to much information on my husband's parents, you can deal with them even better knowing they have little things you can get past still. :)

Since you indicate you see your MIL on a regular basis...and you don't want to necessarily alienate your in-laws...I'd just call them on it for any comments they make about people.  Just sweetly say something about the fact that when they make these comments, you feel as if they are making them about you, because they know that you used to be one of the'fat people.' Maybe if they look at it that they're hurting you - and I assume they don't do it intentionally - then hopefully at least around you, they will edit what they say.  If all else fails, I'd just flat out tell them, 'Gee MIL, it's a shame you can't keep your unsolicited opinion regarding a total stranger to yourself.'

It's either that or kick her under the table every time she opens her mouth...then say 'Gee MIL, was that your knee?'

One more thing....CRISCO?! I use it only for greasing a cake pan or something...and have even started using wax paper rather than grease/flour.  I intentionally don't cook recipes calling for it...and I LOVE to bake.  I also love butter - the real deal - no margarine or anything.  It's just a matter of how much/how often you use it.  You go ahead and put that pat on your toast and let 'em know how good it tastes!  Tell them it could be worse.  When I was in Ukraine, they take the pork fat (not the grease, the actual slabs of fat) and grind it up into a spread, adding some garlic and spices and spread that on their bread.  I never ate it since I don't eat pork...but it was nasty sounding/looking...so I wouldn't have touched it anyways.  They also take 'salo' (chunks of pork fat) and dip it in chocolate.  I swear to God.  I saw it  on a restaurant menu ('salo dipped in chocolate') under desserts.

I can only *assume* that what allows them to be so cruel and non chalant about it is the fact that they have not suffered with obesity or the struggles and assume it is always an option or a choice and that is one that is so easily remedied which we all know is not. Yes we make choices that contribute to it but not all are avoidable so to speak. Would they be so quick to judge someone who had another illness or handicap...probably not. It is shallow and at times can come off as self centered. I am not sure how you can deal with it other than pointing out the obvious and that is it mean but of course that puts you in a bad position as well. Maybe someone else will have some great advice or witty comebacks.....

Oh man - I don't know what to tell ya. It probably doesn't help that due to an overload of unsolicited advice from my ILs I just about can't stand them anymore!!! LOL!

HELLO - CRISCO?? LOL! 

I dont trust people who choose margarine over butter. Seriously, margarine comes from plastic and diesel fuel with some smurf mixed in...its all imaginary and chemical. Butter comes from cows and salt.

So, the margarine choice is enough for me. Too bad I have no advice as to how to deal with it. :(

Good luck, Paula!
--Leah

Hi Leah--

What's so funny about the butter thing is this:I've been told I'm a good baker...even by my in-laws. Given that, butter is a staple...I always have a few pounds of it frozen since I stock up when it's on sale. Well, my in-laws all gobble up my baked goods and go on and on about how good they are...knowing full well they are made with butter. Then, there always seem to be a comment from one of the in-laws like "Gee, when I make chocolate chip cookies (or whatever), they never come out right."  Duh....  You can't make lemon bars and use margarine in the shortbread crust...it just ain't rigth!

Yours in butter-loving,

--Paula

P.S. Leah, I thought of you when I went glider-shopping this weekend. I found a few Dutaliers I liked...