Update and opinions needed

Thank you to everyone *****sponded to my post about my husband, PM'ed me, or said a prayer that I didn't know about... he is doing miraculously well.  In fact, he's doing so well that I'm afraid he's going to overdo things and make himself more sore later.  He's sleeping a pretty good bit (as he should be... surgery was Tuesday), but when he's awake he's taking care of everything by himself.  He doesn't want me to remind him to take his meds, help with his drains, or anything else (although he does want me cooking for him and doing laundry LOL).  He's doing great with eating and staying hydrated and is getting plenty of protein, along with staying on top of his meds.  It's interesting that he's fully alert and does not seem to be the least bit loopy, despite having those meds in his system for several days now.

Here's where I need advice:

Apparently I'm getting on his nerves.  Last night, he asked me to help him to cover an area that was draining a little, to reinforce dressings his mother (who is a nurse) did earlier that day.  When I asked him which bandage tape they had used, he got irritated and said, "never mind... I'll do it myself" and snatched the tape out of my hand.  Then today, I ended up subbing in a class with no students (the teacher is the ISS manager, and there were no assigned students) so after I made sure I wasn't needed for anything else, I called to check on him since it was my first full day back at work since his surgery.  He sounded slightly agitated but was at least polite.  I called back a little while later because I needed him to email me a copy of my resume, and he picked up the phone and yelled at me for calling while he was trying to change clothes.  He called back a minute later, extremely apologetic, but reiterated that all of my calls were getting on his nerves (remember I had called one other time before that one).

So here's where I'm at: part of me wants to leave him alone tonight, since he seems to be so irritated with me.  Clearly I can't help him, so why should I sit around and smother him?  But then again, I'm planning to go to a Halloween party tomorrow night and already feel a little guilty that I'm going without him (although he and his mother have both reassured me that there is no reason for me to not go).  I would feel bad leaving him alone two nights in a row like that... but I also don't like being talked to like I'm an animal or being made to feel like I'm not wanted. 

Thoughts?

Hi ,

I think it all hormonal changes after surgery.

My husband did not have plastics, he had Ds surgery and after he lost weight, his mood changed a lot.

He become more angry, I still know he loves me , but it is very difficult to manage his behavior.

I think you need to be patient with your husband, he should change for better  after a while.

Alla

Thanks Alla :)

It's not a question of being patient... I can be patient all day.  The question is whether it's better for me to give him a little space or to be home in case he does need me.  He doesn't seem to want me around right now, and I don't want to end up butting heads and stressing him out... I'm not very good at being submissive to the manner in which he has been talking to me, so I'm afraid it would end in a fight.  If I do stay home to help him, how do I do so without smothering him anymore? 

He probably likes to be left alone when he doesn't feel well and is in pain, I am the same way, but I am smart enough to let people know this.  When I had my rny and my plastics I stayed alone afterwards.  My bf would come to check on me, bring me things I needed etc but otherwise I was alone.  I was very happy that way.  He is probably the same way.  I would tell him that you are going out tonight and tomorrow night and what does he need before you go, otherwise don't mention he is cranky or irritating or mean or whatever.  Now you know how he is about this make yourself scarce and don't bother calling him.  He is a big boy he will call if he needs something.  Then maybe he will appreciate what you are doing for him.

 

Good Luck.

Thank you!  I think I knew this was what I needed to do, but I felt guilty doing it... hearing someone else say it makes me realize it needs to happen.

Leave him be.  If he needs you, you're a phone call away.  I get cranky too when I feel crappy and just want to curl up in bed and  be left alone.  He may not be showing much distress from the surgery or drugs, but he's being affected by them for sure.  So give him space and take time for yourself.  He'll turn a corner in a few days and be in a much better mood.

Emelar!  I've missed you :)  Thanks for the advice... and you're right.  I just need to give him space for a few days.  Hearing you say it makes me feel less guilty about it though... my maternal instinct kicks in when I see him the way he was on Tuesday, and it makes me feel like I need to hover.  Time to give him some breathing room.

I went through a major body contouring surgery recently. I was in another state and alone for more than two weeks. My husband offered to accompany me and I declined. I wanted to be alone. You husband is not made of glass. Give him his space. Do not smother him. But do not tolerate him being verbally abusive either.

Make sure he has a cell phone immediately in reach so he can call you, his surgeon, or the paramedics if he has need. Maybe agree with him that you will phone him once a day - and once only - for a well call for your piece of mind. Set a time that you both can live with. Good luck.

Great suggestions.  Thank you! 

I'm sorry I did not read your earlier post but if you recognize my avatar, I've been going through my own ps local anesthetic issues right now.
I am a people person and appreciate/need communication from others especially after a procedure.
I have friends that when they are sick with a bad cold or flu - do not and will not initiate a phone call - maybe a text or email.
You mention his mother is with him or nearby so it sounds like he is being taken care of. Many men have extra pride to that they need to take care of themselves, autonomy and not every one can ask or receive help even if they know they need it.
It is a very hard balance to achieve.
Also we think women are hormonal but I think anyone having a weight-loss surgery or plastics (or GD Forbid any cancer treatments) , has unbalanced hormonal activity even without realizing it.
In this day and age with cell phones our lives are in many ways so much easier.
Continued sense of peace and calm for you and your hubby.
Mikimi in Israel