As I stood there naked...

This morning I stood in the mirror naked and..

I am scared ****less

I am SCARED ****LESS!!

Like the moments before you find a missing child

Like the the drop in your heart  when you answer that call at 3 am and you know what it is about

I looked at myself naked

Finally LOOKED and realized...

that my body was a roadmap to my life

Stretch marks on my breast where they grew too quickly due to overeating and puberty

Marks on my hips and waist from my child bearing years

As I cried there in the bathroom

Feeling Sad, scared, and happy all at once

I loved being fat and the freedom it brought, like the relationship you had that you should have never let go so long

I LOVE being healthy and active but...

I have to remind myself constantly how to maintain this healthy relationship

I stood there scared

Scared about removing all the roadmaps on my belly

I love my belly and my skin, in some weird twisted way, has brought me comfort

But I said goodbye..

Next week it will all be gone

I am still SCARED ****LESS

but I hope to wake up and love myself even more...

Goodbye...

Think of it this way, that "fat girl" that was afraid and hiding behind the pounds and the baggy clothes....she has become healthy and fit instead of being a scared caterpillar in a cocoon of fat/skin.  Plastic surgery is kinda like emerging from that cocoon.  (sorry for the artsy analogy, but I was inspired by your prose)   

Seriously though, you will look at your body in a whole new way.  It is scary, all surgery is.  For me what has been scarier is learning to look at my body differently.  Believing what my eyes see in the mirror versus what they remember from the past.    But is scary in a good way.  It is like discovering a part of you that you never knew existed.  

Good luck to you! 

 

 

 

I love your post, Mell. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. 

You are about to remove the last traces of your obesity... I guess the scars will always be there as a silent reminder. We are all scared going into surgery. I was late getting into the OR because I was scared and the surgeon and the anesthesiologist took the time to allay my fears. I was not afraid of letting go of my fat. I was afraid of anesthesia, of dying. The truth is, 3-mos out I am living life more fully than ever.

i was afraid to spend all that money on myself, on my vanity. The truth is, 3-mos out I want to get the rest of me done. I have worked hard all my life. I put myself through college. I put my daughter through college. I put my husband through college. Now it is me time. I have earned this. 

I never identified with my fat self. I feel that my body now reflects who I really am as a person. 

Congratulations on making it this far in your journey. You've done good!

For me, I was now as normal w/o clothes as with.  There's nothing to remind me about my obesity except for the scars.  When I look in a mirror, I see a normal sized person.  When I look when nekkid, I see a normal person.  NO hanging panni, squirrel arms, floppy boobs, and my thighs don't rub together.  My turkey neck is gone too along with the drooping top lids and puffy under bottom lids.  It was worth every penny.

Can't relate. I hated being fat every ******g minute of the 20 yrs I spent MO.  I had plastics and still have a million stretch marks.  It sucks.  There is no way to ever really forget I used to weigh 280 even though I am under 135 now.  Plastics are great but won't fix everything.

Your words ring true to many of us however for those of us with medical rashes under the hanging sagging flabby jelly belly the scars were/are much more welcome than what we had. I write from my personal experiences of belly (three kilo removed) and sausage breasts that are now like half mangoes.
Friends ask me if I am scared and I always tell them "No, not until the day of the actual surgery as I have to fight the HMO until the end and Appeal to the Ministry of Health to get what I deserve! I have weird veins making it very difficult to start the IV line so I get stupidly worked up until I am under sedation. My worst surgery in terms of fear was the complication needing debridement that I was in the operating theatre and my legs were shaking uncontrollably. Oh, then a "friend" called to ask after my welfare and inadvertently compared me to a mutual friend who had had a stroke and was in the same hospital but with all her children coming from far and near to be with her in rehab - and I was alone. AND THAT MY SURGERY WAS COSMETIC. I lost it and started bawling and went crying to the ps who had done the debridement. He told me the that my surgery was necessary to clean the slough turned gangrene (size of a dime but with no pain just a blackened scab).
Don't key others judge you for your decisions and future betterment of health - and don't over-judge yourself.
I'm sorry I'm rambling. I really things after your surgery and recovery you will feel so great full at how far you have come in your journey to better health. You deserve it for you and you will feel the differences.
Mikimi in Israel