Help!!!! How do I tell dates about what I have done........

I certainly don't mean to offend you and I never assumed you weren't a positive person. If the only thoughts in your head are positive, then I don't see why you are having an issue with this. I certainly don't think you are dating losers, anyone who has the money to have plastics is probably a woman with a good career and has done well for herself. To be a woman in her 40s with a nice looking body already puts you miles above most of the women in our age group and even a few years behind you I understand the perks that come with being small, especially from men. 

So what is it you have a problem with? That I say your inner thoughts are changing the views of men you wish to be intimate with? My personal trainer and good friend is in her late 40s. She is an athlete, never has had a weight problem, beautiful and well kept. She is single and has had several surgeries from injuries and illnesses. She has a huge scar from hip to hip (actually two but it appears as one long one) from kidney surgery when she was in her 30s. I've asked her about it since it's much what mine will look like. It's just a part of her but the difference in her scar and mine will be that she feels no shame in hers. I wouldn't expect to explain my ankle scars from shattering it or c-section scars before I became involved sexually with a man but I would feel like I needed to tell him about PS scars, just to warn him.  If a man had a scar on his chest from heart surgery, would you expect him to explain it before hand? Would you feel differently if he mentioned it more than just in passing, if he seemed ashamed about it? You mentioned, "My biggest fear is that they will be repulsed by me and what I have done and then be rejected." What you have done is take control of your life through wls and then take control of your image with PS. What woman who isn't self confident and successful wouldn't do these things? None of us present ourselves as "scared piece of crap" but I bet most of us think that at one time or another. The point of my post was to encourage all of us, myself included, to see beyond the shame of what we have done and take responsibility for the new and awesome person we are now, with or without clothing. I truly believe that people will see what you show them, men included. 

I understand what you are saying and I added to my post to explain things further. There are just some men who will always be more visual than others, it isn't just the scars, it is the fact that I was Morbidly obese for many years and  these scars are not from an injury or c section, they are from making poor choices for many years.  Some have very negative bias against the Morbidly Obese.  I was with the first guy for 22 months, he went to therapy to deal with his negativity towards my body. He was not just a one night stand but someone *****ally wanted to marry me and get past his replusion. (His word not mine) - my point of my posts here is that there are some men that come into your life who are good and honest men who truly cannot get past the physical. I happen to have found two. 

If that's the case there isn't anything you can really do and if you are worried about having to go through 22 months again for nothing then just be up front. If you are on a dating site put it on your profile or tell a guy on a first date. Maybe something like, "I was overweight for much of my life. I now have my eating under control as well as repair work on my body." You can go from there. Yes, that might seem forward on a first or second date but if I had been through that twice, I'd probably do it. On the other hand I think you probably just got bad luck twice. I have several friends who have had WLS and not one of the guys, relationship or one night stands, has said anything about being repulsed by their body. Some of these guys are very fit, well off, and intelligent so I don't think you are dealing with a different class of men as the rest of us. Best of luck, you deserve to find someone who loves all of you. 

Except for a few years when my 2nd marriage ended, I've always been a bubbly, outgoing, self-confident woman.   Losing weight after my DS helped put things back into perspective.  Even though a few of my bigger friends, were dating, having sex enjoying themselves, I had problems finding men that didn't mind my size, 18-20.  Not huge, but most were turned off by that.  Some of that could have been coming from me, my ex did a real number on my brain, one those off the wall comments - you're fat, ugly and replusive... not stuff he'd normally say, so I think he was parroting the cheating girlfriend.  It took a long time to finally get that out of my head and to feel good about myself. 

When I started taking West Coast Swing classes a couple of months after my PS, I wasn't the biggest girl on the dance floor, I could move and twirl, and I didn't care that my arm scars were showing whenever my arm was up for a turn.  None of the gentlemen ever made a comment.  I chose to tell the 2 guys that I was dancing most with about my PS.   One of them I was intimate with and his only comment was that my Saucedas were pretty big.  I think his ex, must have been very small busted. 

If we were out for more than 2-3 hours, he knew that I'd be hungry and have to get something to eat.  I was upfront about my DS and why I was always hungry. 

I do know that there are men out there, who don't care about scars, or that we are healthy now and weren't before, I just can't seem to locate one.  I've been single for 15+ years, at 60, I'm still young at heart.  They just don't know what they are missing out on.

I did mention it in my profile on eHarmony.  These men were well aware of my WLS.  I think sometimes, we live in a fantasy world and we want to "see" or "imagine" something is one way even though reality tells us it is not.  Both men stated at different times that they loved everything about me, they wished they could past the physical.   The one had never even had a family member or friend who had a weight problem.  He was honest that he wanted to get past those biases.

Thanks for responding to my post in a kind manner.

I know why they fell in love with you.  You intelligent, funny and a kick in the pants!  I had a ball hanging in Vegas with you!

YES!!!  The new guy I am with said exactly the same thing to me after we became intimate.  He was OK with everything because I was so OK with me and the choices I had made that created the imperfect body in front of him.  We women definitely overthink this stuff when trying to guess men!!!

Wow guys, I am amazed by all of you beautiful, intelligent and thoughtful women.  I took a chance and poured out my heart on OH to a group that I respect and trust with a very real fear in my life.  The payoff for posting was a treasure trove of wonderful advice and insight into my own issues.

I have to say, in Pam's post, I had to breath a sigh of relief  to know that there are still amazing and loving men out there that can accept us for who we are.  I have wonderful men in my life Father, brothers - so I know that awesome men exist, but it has felt like - over the years - that they only existed in my family.  I have never been able to find that awesome guy.  I am 48 and have never been married.

The biggest lesson that I learned from y'all is that I need to accept my rockin' new body and be comfortable and confident about it, strut into the room (be it the restaurant or the bedroom)  and the men's attitude will follow and if not, screw it.  My own insecurity about my body is my greatest downfall.  

My insecurities have a foundation, though, I have been burned by men in the past and I have a tendency to "over-correct" or over-compensate.  Meaning, if I  get hurt by a man (i.e. cheating)  then I respond by just walking away from dating as a whole.  I just don't date at all.   I think that part of my personality is also reflected in my dieting and weight issues in the past like.....i.e. I blew my diet - so screw it, I will just eat the whole bowl of pasta.  As opposed to moderation that I have embraced over the last few years.

Moderation in everything in life!  I have learned to eat in moderation and I now translate that to men, if/when a guy screws me over, it does not mean that all men suck , that I do not abandon the whole idea of dating - just get rid of those "special few" who don't understand.  

DON'T ALLOW their opinion of me to be my truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WIth that in mind, I know I will come in contact with men who don't understand obesity and WLS issues and subsequent PS scars....and I am going to have to be OK with that and not allow it to derail me. Which is what I think the REAL REASON BEHIND THIS POST.  I think that by allowing men close to me they may somehow derail my healthy journey and success.   

Through examining this topic on OH with y'all, I have learned a great deal about myself and my fears and my strengths.  I can't thank each of you enough for assistance.

I am going to rock this new bod with confidence and quit worrying about allowing men into my life bc they can't derail me, only I can do that, so I am going to trust myself and trust myself enough to allow love into my life and if something bad happens as a result of a man's view of my journey, then so be it, it does not mean that I am "done in".  It simply means, that he did not understand who I am and what I have been through and I will be fine.  Again, their opinion is not my truth.  I trust that I will move along without the fear of reverting into my old self-protective/self-soothing ways.

I am strong and powerful and i can do this....

Thank you everyone.  I am going to print out this chain and re-read it as inspiration.

Nancy

Also, please note the quote in my sig line.  It is my greatest wish :-)  

These issues you have and fears are ones we all deal with. They probably contributed to our over weight selves and wanting to be free of those chains is what lead us on our journey to health and self acceptance. I try to be confident but I certainly have days when I am full of self doubt and hate. Those days, when I look in the mirror, I look like my fat self only smaller. My shoulders rounded and pulled up. My face pulled down into a frown and my eyebrows knitted together. It's those times I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and get outside of my own head. I've made it a point to do this whenever I'm nervous, be it in the bedroom, a bar, or a new group of people. What people think and say about me does influence me but if the loudest voice is my own, cheering me on, I can't hear them nearly as well.