Help!!!! How do I tell dates about what I have done........

Ok, this has weighed heavily on my mind for a very long time.  I really need assistance in this matter and I am turning to my OH family.  Thank GOD for y'all..

I am single and am venturing out into the dating scene once again and am struggling as to how to explain the idea of having weight loss surgery and now subsequent PS scars to my dates and/or to men that I am... ahem...."intimate with"  

What we all see on this board everyday makes us all comfortable with the idea of weight loss surgeries and PS.   Having surgeries and scars is common place for us, and we are all accepting of one another.

I am "speaking" with a nice guy - who I met online and we will be meeting soon.    I am so happy and thankful with the way that I look now and it is a blessing that  I am not so worried about first impressions when I will meet these guys.  But what I AM WORRIED about what my date(s) think about what I have done to my body - I have lost massive amount of weight and then traded saggy skin for surgical scars.

I have a hard time imagining me saying over a ****tail....."Hi new man in my life....., I had RNY and lost 160 lbs and then I had PS which left major scars from my LBL, BL and Arm Lift. "  To the unexposed to our bariatric lifestyle.....that is a whole lot of information to absorb at once.

How and when would y'all suggest entering into this conversation, and how would you lay this information on these guys?

Has anyone been in this situation before?  What did you say to your date?  How did they react?

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated as I worry about this revelation to men a great deal and I don't want this inhibition to stop me from seeking out a companion.  I have been alone for a long time and I hope to find a sweet man to add to my already lovely life.  My biggest fear is that they will be repulsed by me and what I have done and then be rejected.  I am just being very real here...

Thank you in advance for your help..  I just added some pics to my photos taken today......

Thanks, Nancy

 

 

 

 

Heavy and brave topic!
I am older,50 years old and still look fat but I think on the first date, unless the conversation is only on food, you don't need to mention any surgeries. However remember that many do not put updated pics on their profile so even if you meet a hunk and he really is a hunk, who knows what is under anyone's clothing until you are both naked? Freckle city or moles hairy body?
You, when you feel the tine is right to say all, should feel proud of your journey to becoming you and for every scar you have and got along the way.
Mikimi in Israel

Thank you so much.....I am proud of my journey.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Thanks for the reminder.

I don't tell anyone anything. I'm obviously a pretty private person. There's no need for you to explain to a date about any of your surgeries. In fact, it would be rather off putting. If the dating develops into a relationship and you get to know the other better, then perhaps you'd like to say something. Most men don't care at all. The scars are interesting to them for a moment and then they forget it. I haven't met a man who is turned off by the scars.

I agree that by me forcing the issue could be off-putting.  I find it fascinating that you have found that men are not turned off by the scars.  That is refreshing.  I will remember that "Men don't care at all."  NICE......

Oh SweetLilyAnn, not only have our PS paths been similar but we struggle with some of the same single-woman issues.

I met someone a few months before my surgery and had the same questions.  I did not bring it up at first but eventually had to when I needed to offer explanation as to why I couldn't register for a 5k with him weekend after my surgery date.  I shared with him that November 2010 I took control of my health and have since lost half my body weight ( I did not mention at that time that RNY was my tool of choice) and then explained that at my age and the amount of weight lost, there was some skin issues that I was going to take care of in the next steps of my journey.  He applauded me and accepted that with very little questions; it helped that we had a chance to have that conversation that was not in a sexual context.  Then we took our relationship to the next step and became intimate before surgeries.  I was very concerned as he is a career military man and is in prime physical condition.  But he was wonderful and already had heard that there was abundant skin.  Later we talked about what all I was having done and I then asked what his thoughts were of PS.  What he said blew me away.  "Pam, you don't buy the same jean size that you did when you were heavy do you?" No, of course not.  "So why should you have to wear the same skin size that you wore when you were heavy?"  In his mind, it was logical for me to this.

He is now in Afghanistan and I cannot wait for him to come home as he has not seen me since one week post-op from the first surgery. 

If the relationship is right and is moving toward intimacy, the conversation will happen.  There is no need to have it too early when you are both in the getting to know stage.  If it becomes a turn-off for him, then he wasn't right for you to begin with.

Beautifully put Pam, and thank you so much for your fella's service to our country, and yours as you are sacrificing to be with a servant of our country.

Pam, Pam, Pam, I had no idea that you were dealing with the same thing.  What an amazing man that you have.  He is gonna DIE when he sees your new hot body.  What a welcome home gift that he will have.  :-)  I am going to use your story as my inspiration and hopefully a man that I will be with will accept me and give wonderful responses such as he did.  You hang on to that man.  he is not only a hero to our county but he is a hero to me personally for the way he treats you.  I am sure that he is proud of you.  

I will let the conversation unfold naturally instead of me trying to force it into the situation.  I over think things, can you tell????  

Thanks so much for your reply.

The little bit that I dabbled in the dating world post VSG but pre-plastics - I was very open about my WL and WLS because it was such a big part of my life at that the moment. It always made it easier to go out to eat and explain why burgers, pizzas and fries werent a normal part of my life (for some reason being in my 20s that makes me weird!) 

Ive started dating post plastics, and it's been awkward but worked out well. I told a date prior to meeting that I was recovering from surgery (he didnt ask any questions before we met) The issue never came up until he wanted to get intimate, and then I had to explain the plastics which I just gave him some basic "i had some excess skin removed" explaination and told him to be careful, and that was the end of that. It was much harder for me to get to the point of being comfortable of taking my clothes off because I was feeling very very insecure and scared about the scars, so I asked him if my "franken-scars" were going to bother him and he said absolutely not, and that was the end of that conversation. The WL/WLS discussion didnt come up until several meals down the road when he thought I didn't like his food he cooked lol. He thought it was weird, and actually thinks some of my food issues are weird. I have not and probably would not go into details of my WL though. 

For me, I realized that my WL/WLS part of my life and some of the food issues/weight issues I have and will probably always have are going to be a big part of my life so I will have to find a way to explain it all - especially with the all the plastic scars - not like I could even have a casual hook up without some kind of explaination lol! But I also hope I can find a significant other than understands where Ive been and can accept me and my past. 

Its a difficult predicament to be in - there's no hiding the scars though, so its easier for me to just put it all out there. If a guy has a problem with it, or makes him uncomfortable, he's probably not going to be right for me anyways. 

You know I never thought about being in your 20's and not eating pizza burgers etc being odd and you having to explain yourself to others.  Another challenge in our journey.  Thanks for your response.  I think that i am judging men too harshly.   I think that they are a bit less complicated than we are and I personally tend to over think things....so I probably just need to relax about the thought of men seeing my scars.  If I don't make a big deal out of it, then maybe neither will they.  Good luck out there.