Dealing with shame of letting yourself need surgery?

 Hi,

I'm new to the site and grateful for the honesty and soulful sharing I see here.  My highest weight was 240 but stayed at at 205 for years and years.  After a lifestyle change (less work, more rest and exercise, and well, devastating heartbreak), I've been able to get down to 165 with about 30-35 more pounds to go.  

My question is this.  How have you been able to forgive yourself for letting yourself "go?"  I am planning to have a lower body lift and although very happy with the changes I've made, I'm weighted down with shame for needing surgery.  

For one, it's so expensive and will take up my retirement money.  And two, how could I have let myself get so fat that I created this loose skin disaster?

I know it sounds harsh, but honestly, I'm struggling so.

I don't look at it that way....instead I feel so thrilled that I was able to change my life around before I ended up any bigger...it has changed my life.  As far as having PS...I am thrilled that I did it and don't for a sec. feel ashamed....be thrilled that there is an option out there!
I think you need to focus on the positive here...life is too short!  Be thrilled that you lost the weight and are now taking care of yourself.   Enjoy your success.

Patty

 Yes.  You are right!  Thank you. It's nice to hear you're happy with your PS too.  I'm going to keep reading this site  It really is so helpful to have soul sisters (and brothers) on this journey!  THank you.

I can totally understand.  I was were you were when I made the decision to have Gastric Bypass.  The decision to have plastics was not as hard for me, because I had come to terms with things by then.  It is true we have a choice....regret the past or live for the future.  I did a lot of "beating myself up" for allowing myself to get to be 264 plus pounds, but what I have figured out at this point is that I have taken charge of my life and need to celebrate the success I have found.  

I don't know how you feel about therapy, but I highly recommend it.  I did some hypnotis and she had the old me and the new me talking to one another.  Kinda weird, but I have to say in that silent conversation in my head a lot was said and it has helped me come to terms with the past is behind us and we can not change it, but I certainly can change the future and I will.

Keep your head up and live for the future, don't dwell in what coulda, shoulda, or woulda!

Thank you for your reply.  I love how you decided to celebrate your success.  I too need to switch gears as well.  I have been through some therapy for heartbreak issue and am open to turning things around in my mind to embrace the changes I've made, not the perceived failure of my past.

Thank you!  I do look at pics of heavier days vs. now and it does make me happy.  I don't recognize the girl in the mirror or pics.  

Looking forward to reading posts on lower body lifts and making that transition as well.

Peace!

I had to accept that I was where I was.
And then decide that I was ready to change that.

Yes, there is some shame that I allowed myself to get to 284 pounds ... But the truth was that I ate for comfort and for pleasure.

I had to learn ways to get comfort and pleasure without food .. And when I knew better, I did better.

I could have turned to drugs or sex or gambling or alcohol, but I turned to food.

I have made amends with myself and with others I hurt and have worked hard to change.

My plastic surgery is a reward to myself for fulfilling my commitment to myself to change. I am grateful that I can afford to do it (although adding that money to retirement or travel dreams would be nice).

However, I am not promised retirement ... I have today to make the best choices for my life that I can.

I prepare for,the future, but have decided to live the best life I can live today.

I gave too many years of my life to morbid obesity.

I am worth this.

 Thank you.  Love how strong you sound!  Good for you!

I struggle with this too. I don't often tell people that I had WLS, how big I was, or now about my plastic surgery. I feel more shame about how big I was then pride in how much I lost or my accomplishments in that regard. So I feel more comfortable keeping it to myself than sharing my journey.

I usually only tell people that I really feel comfortable with that they won't judge me, and I have a good idea of how people will react before I tell them. For instance in meeting people I might tell someone about something a "friend" did (not necessarily WLS but something along those lines where there is an opportunity to test their level of judgement), and in seeing how they react I learn a lot about their level of judgement.

Especially now having breast implants, and having heard a lot of men say they think implants are lame and feel weird. I'm hoping that when my breasts are healed they don't feel too weird or hard and look and feel more natural. I probably won't tell too many about my boob job either.

I'm very sensitive to criticism so I'd rather not open myself up to any. I know that it would be very liberating to not be sensitive to criticism, but I just recognize that this is how I am and behave accordingly. Maybe some day I'll get over this but for now I just handle this the best way I can and what works for me.

 Thank you for your reply.  I'm pretty open about things, probably to a fault.  I wish you peace and strength and a HUGE congratulations on how well you've done!  Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  I don't like to talk about shame.  Imagine that...shame about shame.  Oh brother.  :)

I still struggle with that...had an emotionally charged  conversation  with my husband this morning over this exact topic.  My marriage has suffered greatly...hugely because of my weight.  My husband almost left the marriage in 96 because of it, and quite frankly emotionally and physically left it years ago.  It has been his issue to deal with but one I totally internalized.  I did lose weight multiple times, but it was never good enough...no matter the results. 

So, like you, these surgeries will take retirement funds in order to accomplish this goal.  My anger, more than anything and one I am having difficulty with is forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated so badly...especially when I thought dieting down to a size 8/10 would solve the problem.  It didn't.  Spending this money is very, very difficult, and actually caused somewhat of an argument this morning. 

At 57 this summer, never in my adult life have I looked in the mirror and had peace over how my body looked.  I don't expect perfection...but I would like to feel like I have completed this journey.  I still have a lot of emotional pain revolving over the issues in my marriage.  Some days I feel better about spending the money than on other days.  It is hard when for 37 years the most significant person in my life mirroeds back to me a message that I'm just not good enough. 

I began this WLS journey for myself and made it very clear once and for all it was for me and my health regardless of the results or how anyone else felt about the results.  Yes....I regret having thrown in the towel years ago and having let myself go once I could not receive the validation I desperately needed.   I will say my husband is now working on his issue, but I wonder if it would be happening if I were not a size 4 versus the size 24 I was prior to surgery.   I understand where you are at.