Reflecting on my decision
Sending a double shot of "peace love and light" towards jas... it was amazing to read your story and see that you have come so far spirtually physically mentally and emotionally.... I would love a side of that along with my hopes and dreams...
Weight: initial-320, , surgery- 291.2 now -205 had baby july 1, 2011 Regained to 242 (due to unemployment) t goal weight _ what ever it ends at.
I never had the nerve to confront my father about my sexual abuse. A few weeks before he passed he called me into his room. My heart was pounding, and I knew...just knew...that long awaited moment was about to come. It didn't. Instead he was a little angry and reminded me about a very angry letter I had written to him some 30 plus years earlier. Really...this is what you want to talk to me about????? I never got my apology. My sister, on the other hand, flew to Texas the year before and confronted him....though we have never discussed her trip.
You are 100% correct. My obesity served as protection for me too. We are all different, and I applaud everyone for their journey. But for me...being sexy or extroverted is the last thing I want to be. I am quiet, introverted and hate attention. Nonetheless, that being said, I want to be able to finally, finally live in my body and have a measure of peace about it. I
Like you, when I look back over God's divine purpose and how I came to have gastric bypass, I am amazed. I am so thankful for this gift. I cannot even really express how liberating it is to go into public and not have to be conscious about my weight. Only this community understands that comment.
I have no doubt your journey is not yet complete. God WILL fulfill the promise He made to you. He is faithful.
This occurred to me after my consultation appointment, and then became solidified for me while in the shower this morning.
Throughout my entire adult life, my stomach has covered my pubic area, first with a large layer of fat, to the tune of 320 pounds, and then with the pannus resulting from gastric bypass surgery and a 130 pound weight loss. I do not think this is accidental. I am an incest survivor and victim of childhood sexual abuse.
A couple of years before my gastric bypass surgery, I was in a 12-step program working on recovery from food addiction. I was doing a lot of emotional and spiritual work, and getting a lot of healing during that time. It was then that I confronted my father about sexual abuse and received an apology from him. One time during an intense meditation, I thought I heard from God. He said, “You will have a body that matches your witness." And I remember thinking, “Yeah, right. How are You going to pull that off?" It was a complete surprise to me when I was led in the direction of gastric bypass surgery, which up until that time I had never even considered.
Indeed, my weight loss has led me to a body much more in line with how I feel now. I have freedom like never before. Not only was I relieved of many medical problems, such as diabetes, GERD, sleep apnea and heel spurs, but I am able to experience intense joy in life that I was previously missing. I can walk for miles without pain or shortness of breath, where before, putting on my socks raised my heart rate and made me break a sweat. One of the greatest gifts of this surgery was the confidence which gave me the ability to finally end my 23 year marriage to an abusive, active addict. I love to share my journey with others in the hopes of helping them in some way.
For a while, I was just busy enjoying my new life. I turned my back on spiritual things for a time. My detour into alcoholism and some weight re-gain forced me to return to the 12-step way of life, which is where I have been living for the past year and a half. It is wonderful here, with even more emotional healing having taken place. I came to understand that my past life experiences had left me with an intimacy disorder. And while I am in a relationship now with an amazing, gentle and generous man, I was still holding back and keeping walls up all around me. It was during an OA (Overeaters Anonymous) retreat this past fall that I was given another revelation. My fat had served a purpose. It was a form of protection for me. It provided a buffer between people and me.
The 6th Step of the 12-step programs is, “We became entirely ready to have God to remove all these defects of character." Clearly, a pannus is not a defect of character. But, at least for me, it is a physical manifestation of that part of my psyche which was broken for a very long time. I am entirely ready to have it removed. Up until a few weeks ago, I never even imagined the possibility of life without that layer of armor.
Could this “cosmetic" procedure of a tummy tuck be so much more? I believe it is. I’ve referred to it as “reconstructive" surgery. Now, I think of it as “restorative" surgery. Medically necessary? I suppose not. But a big part of my emotional, spiritual and physical healing? As of today, I believe it is.
I am putting the whole thing in God’s hands. I have to seek insurance coverage, as I believe the cost is prohibitive for me to pay out-of-pocket at this time. I am following my heart on this now, and seeking God’s will in this process.
As for the brachioplasty -- pure vanity. LOL. No one’s perfect! Thanks for letting me share.
5'6" Start-276 Goal-150 Weight loss Preop=5 Month 1=25 Month 2=10 Month 3=14 Month 4=3 Month 5=7 Month 6=9 Month 7=7 Month 8=7 Month 9=9 Month 10=7 Month 11=5 Month 12=5 Month 13=3 Month 14=4 
on 3/14/12 8:50 am
Reading this has made me realize I still have so much to learn on my journey. I need to find a way to open up somehow but I'm not even sure what I'll find there. But I know something is there....
Congratulations on your success and for your rediscoveries.
Many Blessings,
Rebecca
I've thought for some time that in order for me to lose the weight and keep it off, I would have to reach the point where becoming healthy was more important than feeling safe--or at least that being safe would no longer equal being fat and therefore invisible. And I realized the other night, as I was looking at my big stomach and thinking that I might not have it anymore, that part of me really likes that layer between me and the outside world. I found out as an adult that several family friends suspected that I was being molested, but no one ever tried to protect me or intervene. No one ever comforted me when I was hurt. I think I needed some softness and protection in my life.
But all that was 30 years ago or so. I'm praying that now I'm ready to move on to a different kind of security. I'm getting more and more dissatisfied with ruining my present in order to defend myself in the future against abuse that is already in the past. I'm tired of living like I'm still a scared, lonely, hurting 10-year-old. I have the advantage of having been in therapy for quite a few years before; and even more importantly, I've been turning more and more to my faith and to God to help me. I feel like I have a lot more awareness and discernment about my feelings and motivations than I did even just three years ago, when I first considered WLS.
My abuser died a little over three years ago, and I've been feeling like I actually *want* to forgive him, and the people who should have protected me, but never did...I think I may be, God willing, very slowly be getting ready to start letting this go, or at least letting it transform, very gradually. I want to move on and "grow all the way up"--not leaving that little 10-year-old behind, but taking her with me on a new journey. I'm scared, but hopeful that WLS will be a tool for that journey. I think valuing my body and my health enough to change my relationship with food. And I think taking a leap of faith that I'm ready (with a lot of help and support) to face life without the crutch of binge eating may be a powerful change in itself. I look on it as a formal break with the past, an affirmation that the abuse really is over, and I don't have to hide anymore.
Apologies for such a long post, especially from a newcomer...but thanks. It's an inexpressible comfort to come here and find lovely brave souls who are facing the same issues I am. Thank you!
donnaloza · 1 replies · 84 views
