Emotionally Ready for Plastics (long)

I'm scheduled for a LBL, BA/BL and Rhinoplasty on 3/5, less than 3 weeks away.  I'm clear that I'm not emotionally ready or in the best place psychologically for surgery at this time.  The last year has been full of turmoil for me; full of trauma. 

My husband had a near fatal heart attack last April, then we separated shortly afterward, after having a very damaging (emotionally) sexless marriage for 7 years.  My self esteem is in the dirt.

I'm juggling being a doctoral student, a full time worker and a part time (50/50) single mom.  Due to financial issues after separation and my household income being halved, I had to sell my house and move which I just finished doing a few weeks ago.  I had to downsize significantly with the sale of my house and that was incredibly stressful.

I was barely able to function and nearly flunked out of school.  I switched jobs last August and changed insurance, so I could no longer see the therapist I had been seeing for years since she wasn't on my insurance plan.  I could barely stay afloat, let alone figure out reimbursement from insurance, hence I've had no support for a while.

There have also been numerous other stresses that are smaller than the big ones I've listed, like my computer crashing, dealing with getting out of jury duty, setting up short term disability and setting up for plastics, dealing with my husband who has continued to cause me emotional upset and tried to control my life.

I went on medication for anxiety and depression which pretty much saved me from a nervous breakdown.  I'm struggling with adjusting to being smaller after a life time of obesity, and being treated differently.  I'm struggling with the attention from men, and then when there is a lack of it. 

I feel most of the time that men see me as a sex object and never want to know who I am.  I fear that it will only get worse after surgery. I get extreme anxiety and depression when I am alone.  I don't know how I am going to handle recovery from major surgery emotionally, physically.

Despite all of this, for many reasons if I don't do the surgery now, it may not happen ever.  It would take me a long time to explain why this is the case but I had to do a lot of work to set this all up and over come massive obstacles, and it's time critical.  I have all my ducks in a row and everything ready.  The surgery is paid for.

For those who have been in any of these situations.. any advice?  Words of encouragement?  Suggestions!

Thank you for reading.

Hello! I know you and I had talked about our situations after I posted about the upheaval in my life during part of this past year. I was in a rather precarious place going into my plastic surgery where some of my relationships were concerned and can COMPLETELY empathize about the now or never mentality that was my reality because of time, support people, money, living situation, and the list goes on. I can say that having the support of the people closest to me was of paramount importance not only for actual aftercare, but for emotional support as well. I guess this is where I should say that you should postpone your surgery until you are in a better place emotionally, but given that if you are a lot like me and it seems there is no way you are going to delay the surgery, I would say do everything in your power to go into the surgery in a positive mindset. Think that you WILL be okay. You WILL find the courage and strength to get through this. You WILL eventually find your self again and that you will love and respect yourself enough to properly care for yourself physically and emotionally.

The truth is that no one external to you can tell you if you are making the right or wrong decision to move forward with the surgery. That decisions lies solely with you and I think once you've made your decision, you should embrace it and try your best to enjoy the ride. Amazing and wonderful transformation lies ahead for you and you deserve to enjoy it.

Be very aware that most everyone that I've read about on this forum hits the wall emotionally somewhere between a week and 10 days out--depression, hopelessness, crying for no apparent reason. Can you get your doctor to prescribe something to help you through your anxiety at least during the early recovery period?

I do truly wish you the very best. If you need to talk, just drop me a note.

Take super good care!

Denise

Thank you Denise again!  It's good to know that you also had a lot of emotional struggles and still made it out on the other side.  I'm very lucky my best friend is a nurse so I can call her all the time and ask her advice.  I have someone to care for me after the surgery so I'm OK on that front.  

I guess I'm balking the most at yet more changes and adjustments about who I will be.  I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.   It's like trying to reorient yourself to this whole new reality.. it's unreal.  I am sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

 I will remember to think positive as much as I can.  You are the best!

Oh boy do I know exactly what you are talking about! One thing I have said over and over since bypass and plastics is that I am still trying to figure out how I fit in with the world. Having had the struggles I did the last year, I really felt like I had lost myself even more than I would have with the usual identity crisis that often results after bariatric surgery. I finally sat down, looked in the  mirror and reminded myself exactly who I am:  I'm kind, generous, thoughtful, friendly, funny, smart, empathetic, outgoing, loyal, and yes, if I must reluctantly admit, even a little sexy. I can also be a bit too outgoing and loud, distracted, unmotivated, short tempered, and negative. I have learned I have take the good with the bad. And I've realized that all of those things existed before surgery (okay, maybe not sexy!) and they remain, even if I lost touch with some of it during my rough patch. Of course other things have emerged as the weight dropped and my appearance changed so dramatically. Now I'm more confident.  I no longer wear a funny face if I'm feeling down. I will stand up for myself in a much more spirited way. I go and do and live (when I'm not an iron deficient mess!). I realized that  although I have changed, maybe I haven't changed so much as those around me have changed how they view me.  Some single friends are jealous of my appearance. Some friends who've remained heavy feel like they don't know how to relate to me anymore, despite the fact I can still sit and share a meal with them and laugh and enjoy it as if I were still heavy. Some folks expect me to be upbeat and happy all the time because I'm not the fat sad sack--as if I don't get down or tired or sick just because I'm looking better physically--and they are taken aback when I don't play court jester. None of these things are anything I can do much about. All I can do is be the best me I can be while embracing the positives and working on improving the negatives. 

I also always say awareness is half the battle. Being aware of the potential challenges facing you puts you in a much better position to deal with them before the spiral out of control.

You'll do great!! Can't wait to see some after pictures!!

Best to you,

Denise

I think you are so amazing!  I can sense all of the wonderful strengths you have.  I see you as perfectly imperfect, if that makes sense.  I am going through that identity crisis myself, but luckily all of my friends are very supportive and I have not had any problems on that front.

 My biggest issue is the huge problems I have with wanting a relationship and not wanting to be alone, but not being ready for one.  I want so badly to move on and be happy and in love, but I'm so damaged and can't deal with the superficial compliments I get. 

I have so much resentment that people didn't treat me the way I deserved before.  I always liked myself but I feel that nobody saw me the way I saw myself.  It's hard to hold yourself in high regard when that regard is never validated.

 Now I feel that I'm regarded more for my appearance and not the personality and education that I spent so much time cultivating and I'm so proud of.  I don't see my appearance as a huge accomplishment or anything of great importance.  

I want to look better because I feel that there are advantages to looking your best in the opportunities afforded to you.  At the same time I despise the superficiality of the world.  I know you can understand.. you are awesome!

Hugs.

Perfectly imperfect--I love it! I think I'll put that on a t-shirt! It is a real struggle to embrace and enjoy the compliments, while at the same time thinking, "Wait, I am SOOOOO much more than my looks." Honestly, I don't know why we struggle with that now because we dealt with the same issue of being judged by our looks when we were heavy, but it was in a negative way. I guess for me now I just take the compliments as they are intended--kind words and not much else. The reality is that we live in a society where looks are important and of course they are the first thing people notice because they have nothing else to go on. I don't think people are discounting your personality and accomplishments. If you are kind and warm, they will be drawn to you and will eventually get to know the real you. On the flip side, if someone is pretty but just a big jerk, they will be faced with a lot of empty comments and not a lot of real relationships. Be glad you are able to enjoy your good looks now and that at least you don't have the weight barrier that people have such a hard time seeing past.

I'll leave you with a quote my mom always said, "Resentment is poison that you take and wait for the other person to die." All you hurt is you wasting your energy on resentment. Those days are dead and gone. Let your light shine and joy will find you!

Hugs!! 

Denise

 Tough question, even tougher situation.  Only you know what the right decision is for you.  In the long run, nothing is worth plummeting yourself into emotional turmoil.  You have a child that counts on you for stability and balance.

I had heard that depression and crying and despair could result after surgery along with a good dose of buyers remorse.  For that reason, I paid for a friend to go to Mexico with me.  Someone to help me stay happy, go to the movies with, eat meals with etc.  I didn't have the depression but was so glad to have a friend with me.

Before surgery, I had the following mantra for several weeks.  I said it walking into the OR and climbing on the operating table.  I picked it right back up in the recovery room.

" I heal easily and beautifully, and everything always works out for me"

I continue to remind myself that everything always works out for me.

Write something to yourself that you can read over and over post op to remind yourself of how strong you are.  Why it's important to remain positive and how to find your focus and balance if things get rough.  Ask friends to call daily and Skype in to visit with you.  Tell friends that you will really need support for a coup,e weeks post op.  don't be afraid to ask for help!

Thank you so much for your response Lee.  I already feel in emotional turmoil and I don't see that situation changing any time soon. :( Fortunately my son will be well cared for by his father and he also has his grandmother for support. So he'll be OK while I go through this.  

For right now my husband is supporting me but that's a precarious situation; one of the reasons I need to do this now, not later.  I do have a few people to support me and check in on me.  I have heard about the depression thing.  I might see if I can get the doctor to prescribe me something to help with that.  I feel like I need all the help I can get in that area.

Thank you again.. I will set up a mantra to help me with that positive thinking.  I will definitely ask for help if I need it and have asked all of my friends to support me.  Hugs.. and hope to meet you tomorrow!

You been thru your own personal jells and come thru the other end and although you still have issues and struggles ahead of you, if your Plastics is already paid for then continue as planned and do your Plastics.
You are a deserving person, woman, mother and GD Willing all will go smoothly and healthily! Keep posting or lurking as I believe thar support helps us thru it all. In fact, I think because of this Board and my lurking when I was in hospital during and after my TT and gangrene journey, I survived as well as I did with positivity and jokes and gor some reason without depression or buyers remorse.
Not only that but I am hoping my HMO will approve my request for mastopexy (boob job) and scar revision per surgeon's medical writeup.
Of course many of my friends think I am nuts/crazy and that I want to be Barbie! I certainly cannot be Twiggy!! I cannot stand boobs hanging down and causing me rashes that don't seem to stay away. I don't have much money and what I do have in saving is no where near enough for what Plastics would cost so I am dependent on my HMO.
I hope you have friend/family/ neighbor who will be kind enough to help you for your needs after you return home from surgery (shopping,cooking or meals, taking out garbage or childcare).
I live in Israel but I'm lonely and I'm a people-person, so if you want another friend to check on you (and you tell me when is a good timeslot) you can pm your contact numbers and I'll be happy to ring you.
May your Plastics be all that you hope it to be!
Mikimi in Israel

Wow, I can't believe you had gangrene.. that sounds terrible!  I'm so glad that this board helped you while you were going through all of that.  I hope to get support and give it here as long as I am able.  I did not have depression after my VSG but I did have horrible crying spells for a week after my son was born.

I do have people lined up to help me out so I won't be all alone.  I'm a bit freaked out about what life will be like with further change.. I feel I've had so much struggle with adjusting to the changes I've had so far.  I have PMd you with my contact info.. thank you! Hugs..