Is this really me?

Hello all.

I became a member of this site prior to my panniculectomy on 10/3/2011.  I was scared to death to have my surgery, but thankfully my insurance approved the procedure so I figured it was now or never.  I am currently having some pain issues with it, but this post is not about the surgery itself.  I'm seeking some help and guidance from those of you who have had this surgery after massive weight loss, preferably those who haven't been thin since adolescence.  

Honestly, my main problem is this...

At the height of my weight gain I tipped the scales at 346 pounds, almost unable to fit on a traditional scale.  I was pregnant at the time with my son who weighed 10.6 pounds at birth.  He was my little "surprise" at 252 pounds and I wasn't sure if my body could take holding a baby at THAT weight nevermind when I got bigger. 

After I had my son, I had severe Post Pardum and barely remember his first year of life.  About a year ago I weighed 294 pounds and looked into getting weight loss surgery.  To be honest, when I found out how much post operative maintance it took to get the lapband or gastric bypass I decided to try and loose the weight myself.  I joined a weight loss center based out of a hospital in Boston and gradually came down to 215 pounds.  It was than that I noticed I had a "skirt".  Granted it was small compared to some of those I have seen on the internet, but large enough where I would get yeast infections and was unable to fit into any pants comfortably.

I started noticing my severe body image issues several months ago when I would look at pictures of myself.  For the first time in my life, I felt the total opposite way of how I always did when looking at pictures.  I couldn't BELIEVE how thin I looked.  About a month before surgery a friend of mine was going through pictures and gave me one. She asked if I wanted it.  I asked her why I would want a picture of someone I didn't know.  She looked at me puzzled and said "Honey, that's you."  I couldn't believe it. I really, truly had to analyze the picture to see that it was me.

As of today, it's been almost 2 weeks since my panniculectomy.  I also should add that I used to have long hair down to my hips and cut it shoulder length prior to the surgery.  Anyway, I took all of my clothes off and looked in the mirror.  For the first time in memory I looked at the person in the mirrior and didn't recognize myself.  I actually thought I looked attractive.  It was as if I was looking in one of those fun house mirrors that make you look thinner than you actually are.

My question is this...  How have you dealt with your body image issues after surgery?  How will I be able to accept myself as a thin person?  Will I always think of myself as "heavy" and see myself that way?  It's the scariest thing in the world to look in a mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you.  Is this normal?  What can I do to change it?

I would really appreciate any advice you might have.  I realize this post is long but wasn't sure how else to write it.  Thank you so much for reading.

You're still early out from your weight loss surgery. It's taken me 3 years for my mind to somewhat catch up to my body. Try to be patient and things will get better (and if not, you can always look into finding a therapist).

I'm almost 4 months out from my lbl/bl. The first couple months my body image issued surfaced again with a vengance, but I'm back to somewhat normal now. Hang in there!!

Laura

Hello Laura,

Thank you for replying to my post!  I know I'm still early on in my weight loss surgery, but it's not just that. I feel like I'm early on in my weight loss journey.  These past few weeks have been full of lifechanging experiences, and I am working really hard on trying to deal with it.

As part of my medical weight loss program I do have a therapist and I went to see her a few days after my post.  She told me all of this was completely normal and that I will get used to it eventually.  I'm hoping this will get easier, and I'm glad I found this community to help me :)

At 132 I still call myself fat on some days.  (No I do not need a psychiatrist).

I can relate to what you are saying and the best I can do is tell you, "this too shall pass."  Soon you will began to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, I look good thin"!  There are days when I walk pass a window and do a double take because I love what I see.  I would never say this in front of others because they would think something is wrong with me, but I love the fact that I can stare in the mirror and compliment myself.

Embrace the new you.  Look in the mirror and talk to yourself, tell yourself how proud you are of your accomplishments.  You will feel much better after a good long talk with yourself.

Good Luck.
Sherline






 

You are not alone.  For me it was just a shock to actually LOOK at myself in a mirror.  I had spent the last 15 years avoiding them.  I am fortunate to have a plastic rider in my insurance.  I can't tell you how long I looked at my face trying to figure out exactly what I needed to change first.  I realized I needed to change what was on the inside because the outside looked great!  I just aged 15 years over night because I stopped looking at myself!!!  I do have to catch my thoughts sometimes...because I will say I can't do this or that because I am too large....well, I'm not too large now.....I can do it!  It just takes time and some self corrections :)  good luck!  and congrats on your loss!!

Hello Sherline!

Thank you for replying to my post. I do see a psychiatrist for my body image issues.  She actually told me last week I might fit into an 11/12 and I laughed at her.  I guess I just feel like this is too good to be true... and you know what they say, "If it's too good to be true it usually is."  I still have my drainage balls in, so I haven't been able to embrace the new me yet, but I'm sincerly looking forward to it.  Thank you so much for takin the time to write to me.