An essay upon being mortal and forgoing PS: VERY LONG AND DETAILED

Breaking the positive feedback loop of anxiety is key -- being afraid of an anxiety attack makes having another one more likely.  Knowing you can abort it or ride it out more comfortably is critical.  I have Atavan in case another bad one happens, although I haven't taken one yet.  The fact that they are slowly diminishing in intensity and frequency also helps to break the cycle.

I'm glad I have the anxiety meds on hand -- and I didn't know that they don't make you feel doped up -- I assumed that they did.  Years ago, I was given Valium for migraine cluster headaches (talk about a wrong-headed approach!), and I nearly flunked out of college due to feeling doped up all the time. 

I appreciate your telling me this.

We're in precisely the same place, Diana. Your every word resonnated for me.

I am supposed to fini**** all this summer by getting my profoundly skin-laden ass cut back this summer. I have just filed an appeal with BC BS to cover what I have already had done, in hopes I can use the cash for that-- but I have a feeling it's not going to happen-- my primary doc didn't have great office notes, despite having years of photos of bleeding, oozing rashes, sores, boils, and a HX of prescriptions. BC BS is gonna screw me.

So I have to work up the fight and drive to pay out of pocket, on an art teacher's income. But my experience last time was so goddamn miserable I am often tempted to just stay misshapen and throw the MFing towel in.

Pretty sure I tole ya "it's all too soon" when you posted your initial plan:  it was impossible to articulate why pre-op, but it sounds like you know what I meant now... for some of us, it's seriously excrutiating and recovery is a bear.

Diana-
The secret is out.  PS is no cake walk!  I am so sorry you have had such a difficult time.  Having had a couple of procedures myself I can so relate.  I had a panic attack in the ICU after my TT, it was not fun.  Give it some time.  And see how you feel.  For the most part I have always had several months between surgeries and nothing has been scheduled before I was healed from the previous surgery.   I will have more surgery in February and then probably in six weeks they will schedule another surgery.  I wonder if I will ever be finished.  But this is my time table -- my pace.  I think this is one thing that the surgeons cannot possibly know.  They can know about the typical healing time -- that is a physical thing, but the emotional thing is another matter entirely; on that they have to take the cue from us.

Red

 "Looking for another job at my level, the potential of having to move away from an area I love, where my kids live, or having to take a job I don’t like, or worse, not having a job at all – all of these are tapping some deep concerns as well."

STOP IT!

If you actually DID have to move away from an area that you love, and you actually DID have to move away from where your kids live, or you actually DID have to take a job that you didn't like... well, that would really suck!   If that WERE the case then your "panic and anxiety" might be easier to understand... Right now you are going through a self involved exercise of borrowing trouble where non exists.  

Thankfully, you are NOT working long hours at a job you don't like, you have NOT moved away from an area you love, you have NOT moved away from where your kids live,  you do NOT have to worry about money right now, and you have NOT been evicted or anything so you do NOT have to live out of your vehicle, get dressed in a storage unit and take your showers at a gym!  From my point of view you've got it pretty good and you are using your energy to CREATE **** to be upset about. 

So you were surprised at how difficult plastics were.  Sorry about that.  Move on.  Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  Get your ass out of the f'ing chair and off of the f'ing bed, step away from the f'ing internet and go do something to help those who are less fortunate than you to take your mind off of yourself, for f's sake.

Just, STOP IT!

((((BC))))

I WISH there were such a thing as Karma.  If there WERE Diana would be hurting a lot worse for real.  Maybe we'll get there yet.  We can hope.

Perhaps the new anxiety disorder is an example of karma in action. Sure, she's borrowing lots of trouble, but she is distressed nonetheless. And by refusing to treat her very real anxiety pharmacologically, she's likely prolonging and exacerbating it.

I don't believe the mental fogging part, though. This post is as grammatically correct for its length as any I've read. She could not have written it if she were functioning as poorly as she claims. 

Also, plastics recovery is one hard cold stone ***** I took narcs every four hours for over four weeks myself after my LBL. That is one of the top three reasons I decided not to get a breast lift..

hard cold stone *****  you nailed it.

 Diana-  I think of you often and wish only the best for you.  You have helped sooo many people over the years, me included.  If it wasn't for your help Kaiser would not have paid for my DS.  I will start looking into PS in 2010 and appreciate all your thoughts and honesty!

I hope your journey becomes easier, stay strong!

Penny

Hi there,

I am very late in reading this but wanted to say thanks for posting it.  I'm sorry that surgery was so devastatingly difficult for you.  I think your logical responses make perfect sense.

I am 51 and am probably going to wind up loosing less than 100 lbs and am not considering any body work.  But I was considering a facelift.  I have terrible marionette lines and I am often asked if I am ok or what is wrong because I look very sad or mad when my face is relaxed.

But after reading your post and after seeing some post of photos of a facelift I have really changed my mind.  I will try filler for my deep lines and some botox for a frown line between my eyebrows and I guess I will just have to live with the saggy eyebrow area.

Thanks again for posting this and I hope you can come to some acceptance and peace with your final decisions.

Becky

I hope my reporting of my experiences doesn't taint your consideration entirely.  I also had my arms done at the same time, with extensive lipo.  I was on the table for over 6 hours, and on pain meds for 4 weeks (maybe it should have been less?), which probably contributed to the brain fog and weakness.  The anxiety is probably a combination of not just the surgery but other stuff that was/is going on in my life.

It is something to consider though.

At 2 months and 4 days, my arms are a lot better now, though not pain-free.  My face is still pretty uncomfortable -- my ears are still uncomfortably numb, as is my neck down to my chest and part of my face all around my chin and ears; I can't turn my head all the way to the side either way, so I don't drive except in the neighborhood; there are still lumps that are stitches just under the skin; I keep finding stitches coming through my skin around my ears and forehead; and I still can't close my eyes tightly.  And I am still weak, but trying to get moving every day.

Not everyone experiences things this way, obviously.  I am 56, but I was in pretty damned good shape, working out with a personal trainer -- and yet I still got broadsided.  Be forewarned, but don't think my experience is inevitable.