Did you "hide" money for surgery?

You don't know she is steeped in debt. Suppose her husband wants her to pay down the car or house, which can have very low interest rates. Honestly, you are making some really bad assumptions which I didn't get at all from her postings. You are treating this lady like an idiot. Of couse she will be offended. Her post was not about hiding that she had plastics.. it was about hiding money so that when the time came, she could have it done. I'm going to make some different assumptions about her. She calls herself Johns-wife, meaning is probably a bit submissive to him and does not want to directly confront the issue. She could probably charge the surgery right now if she wanted to, but is saving up. She will probably lie to her husband and say she is only paying 3k when the surgery cost 12k or something and will use the money he doesnt know about for the difference.. That is what I would do if I were in her position, but then again, I'm pretty non-confrontational too. Lying in a relationship is bad. I know you will point that out. But, alot of things are bad. Overeating is bad. That is selfish too in a way. Having surgery instead of diet and exercise is selfish in a way too.. Its all about putting things in perspective.

To: Johns-Wife
Do whatever the heck you feel like doing and if others don't like it, tell them to kiss your shiny new ask (or whatever part you are getting done).

I hate to say it, but if you are having to hide money from your hubby for anything that is important to you (basically anything except gifts for him), then it appears you have big problems in your marriage...  You need to declare your wishes and just stand firm....don't take no for an answer, but don't sneak around like you are doing something wrong either...

I agree there are greater issues at stake. If you don't feel like you can address them now please do when you have the surgery. By family who do you mean? Your kids and husband? How old are your kids? They don't have a say if they don't earn the money. That's just reality.

I understand your desire to make your wishes more important than some other issues within the family.  I lived with a man who bought expensive big boy toys and figured that my children were my toys.  *sigh*.  Needless to say he is now an ex and has been for 10 yrs.  BUT, I still have heavy guilt over the money I have spent for my surgeries.  My house need some work.  Not just a paint job but my deck has a soft spot and my front door needs to be replaced.  Actually all my windows and siding need to be replaced and here I am spending $13K on a new body.  When my boyfriend and I talked about it I said... "Think of it this way, with your house in the renovation state that it is (all 3 floors are being worked on) and you go out and spend $20K on a penis enlargement, how would you feel?  *sigh*.  I went thru a few days thinking I was being vain and spending so much money on new boobs etc.  He convinced me that my physical and mental health was much more important than a new deck or a new door.  Those things will come when we are together and can afford things.  I never felt I had to hide money from my ex because I always made more than he did, but I was never strong enuf to tell him what I wanted and stand firm. 

Yep, I would hide money if that's what it took.  Now I would eventually have to tell him where I got the money and then I would tell him I had been putting aside for it.  I do the taxes so any interest earned would still be claimed even though my husband wouldn't know.  Does this make our marriage bad?  Maybe...  but oh well ... that's our problem and not anyone elses.  Would I feel morally responsible to tell him about it NOW just in case we got divorced sometime in the future??  Nope.  I could just see that conversation....'honey, I'm putting money aside and I feel I need to tell you about it now just in case we get divorced before I get to have my plastic surgery".
I just wouldn't worry too much about it.  We sacrifice so much for our families and I get a little upset when we try to do something for ourselves and the very people we sacrifice so much for, get mad at us for it.

  I do the taxes so any interest earned would still be claimed even though my husband wouldn't know.  

Your husband does not sign the tax return?!?!  

OK gotta chime in here, truly not being snarky...but - my husband signs the tax return and has every year for 18 years now, and that does NOT mean he knows what is on it.  I am not hiding anything, he simply has no interest in knowing or understanding that stuff.  He signs whatever I put in front of him.  He will ask "what's this for?" and I tell him, but I could tell him something absolutely untrue and he would not ever know.  He just is that type.  Obviously I am the breadwinner and do ALL the finances, etc.  Also, I don't hide a thing from him - we discuss things but only verbally - he doesn't care to look at the paperwork, although he is not dumb by any stretch.  I am aware that this means he's in deep **** if I die on the table or go get hit by a truck - luckily we have a good attorney friend who would help him figure it all out at that time.

He kinda sounds like a role reversal of the housewives of years ago (and some still today), I guess, huh?

Anyway sorry but I had to put in my $0.03....back to your "debate" now......lol

I'm in the same role reversal situation. I make twice as much as my fiance'. (the marriage is just a formality for us, we've lived together for awhile :-) ). I prepare and file his taxes and he just comes over and puts his PIN into the system to "sign" it. Which is really funny because I created his PIN and know it but I make a big deal of having HIM sign it. I also am the record keeper and everything else. I keep a full file of everything sealed in a large envelope that is like "break glass only in case of death". This has our full disclosure right down to account numbers, balances, Power of Attorney, beneficiaries, etc. Other than that, he knows I have more accounts floating around than he can track - I've got three+ checking accounts, 6+ savings accounts, CDs, savings bonds, etc - all floating around at different banks. The fact is, whomever is your "recordkeeper" is really the only person who has a true sense of "reality". Like you, I'm not hiding anything, he just doesn't care - it's not like "what are we having for dinner tonight" - LOL. If he would come out and ask, I'd make full disclosure, however.

As a matter of fact, I encourage him to have a "hidden" account where he can keep HIS 'mad money' that isn't a part of the joint income.  I like this, because I sure as hell ain't paying for that iPod or video game for his son that lives with his mother - it's not like the toy/iPod/laptop/etc would stay at our house - which would be a different story altogether.

We've went so far as to draft a pre-nump that says "what's yours is yours, mine is mine and ours is ours (but only if we've been 100% clear that it's joint) and we're responsible for household bills in proportion to the combined family income".  We also have it set up where we each have our own accounts and then a joint "family" account. 

Face reality - one partner usually just doesn't care about the finance DETAILS and that's life.

Cass

So nice to find others in this situation - lol.  I just went and looked at your pics, you look great and thanks for sharing.  I am getting nervous about my LBL and BL/BA coming up so it's nice to see what I am in for....