How did your family respond to your reconstruction? Cuz I got problems!
My 18 year old son (ostensibly off to university in the fall) is so angry at me for having both RNY and reconstrudtive surgery that he is refusing 1) any simple help (eg glass of water, make a meal) or even 2) simple respect.
Every day I hear a constant reverie about how I cheated and that these surgeries are dishonorable. Since he was refusing to complte simple tasks or show me the simplest respect (responding when spoken to), we made a rule that before being asked to complete any household responmsibility, he would have to forfeit the keys to the car. He came home and refused to forfeit the keys to the car ... and tried to elevate the argument.
Since my husband cannot either argue or wrestle the keys away from this kid, the following things have happened:
1) car is disabled (we own the car and have paid the insurance, what dupes);
2) cell phone has been disabled
3) laptop has been confiscated
4) he is asked to leave the house for the night until he complies with our rules.
What do you think?: Have you dealt with anything like this? Are we dealin with this appropriately, do you think?
Every day I hear a constant reverie about how I cheated and that these surgeries are dishonorable. Since he was refusing to complte simple tasks or show me the simplest respect (responding when spoken to), we made a rule that before being asked to complete any household responmsibility, he would have to forfeit the keys to the car. He came home and refused to forfeit the keys to the car ... and tried to elevate the argument.
Since my husband cannot either argue or wrestle the keys away from this kid, the following things have happened:
1) car is disabled (we own the car and have paid the insurance, what dupes);
2) cell phone has been disabled
3) laptop has been confiscated
4) he is asked to leave the house for the night until he complies with our rules.
What do you think?: Have you dealt with anything like this? Are we dealin with this appropriately, do you think?
I'm not a parent, but I applaud you for asserting your authority and demanding the respect you deserve as parents!!! My mom would have taken the clothes off his back too!!
If he's so set on having his own opinion, let him have it elsewhere and pay his own way since he's 18!
I've had family object to my RNY, but I'm the stubborn type it didn't deter me. In fact, it only made me more determined.
Good for you! My older kids are 22, 21, and 17. No way I would have tolerated that kind of behavior. I don't think you're dealing with the situation inappropriately. It's one thing for him to express his negative opinions about your surgeries in a respectful way but his disrespectful behavior and refusing to comply with such simple requests shouldn't be tolerated. Your choices regarding the consequences of his behavior are reasonable.
It really seems as if he is very angry for some reason. Is this a recent development? Not to be intrusive, but does your son have a weight problem himself? Does he have a very difficult time adjusting to change?
Maybe it's connected to the fact that he is leaving home to go to college very soon and he is having mixed feelings about that and no doubt with your weightloss you look like a completely different person than he probably grew up with. Maybe to him it feels like everything in his life is so changed and continuing to rapidly transform into something new and different and it's causing him anxiety and insecurity and he is expressing it as anger.
I'm in no way excusing his behavior just trying to understand it. I wish you all the best. It sounds like you are doing great so far.
It really seems as if he is very angry for some reason. Is this a recent development? Not to be intrusive, but does your son have a weight problem himself? Does he have a very difficult time adjusting to change?
Maybe it's connected to the fact that he is leaving home to go to college very soon and he is having mixed feelings about that and no doubt with your weightloss you look like a completely different person than he probably grew up with. Maybe to him it feels like everything in his life is so changed and continuing to rapidly transform into something new and different and it's causing him anxiety and insecurity and he is expressing it as anger.
I'm in no way excusing his behavior just trying to understand it. I wish you all the best. It sounds like you are doing great so far.
First let me say not a parent. And I have to give kodos to all you parents. i know at times it can be a tough job. I think your right on the money. He does not have to agree with your surgeries, that is his opinion. but the behavior is not acceptable. He must show you respect and follow the house rules. I mean have you agreed with all he has ever done. Of course not. But you still there for him inspite of that. So hopefully he will come to his senses soon.
Remember your surgeries are for you and you deserve them.
Hugs
Remember your surgeries are for you and you deserve them.
Hugs
When I was growing up my mother on occasion reminded me of the fact that ..... she brought me into this world and she could take me out.... For some reason I beleived her. I applaud you for standing up to your convictions and your rules. When he starts to pay the mortage, buy the groceries and pay for the electricity he can make his own rules.
Lisa... HW/ 314.7 SW/ 280 CW/ 180ish
RNY ~ 01/25/2008 Terrence Clarke (Ellis Hosptial Bariatric Center).... Lower Body Lift with butt lift and upper thigh lift ~ 07/14/2009 Sanjiv Kayastha (K Plastic Surgery) -- LOVE IT !!!!
I have an 18 year old daughter. I know exactly what you mean. She leaves, doesn't come home, I never know where she is, she refuses to help around the house etc.... I don't give her money, she lost her car, she lost her job. She moving out next week.
I feel for you! I'm not much of a person to offer advice on this matter when I have the same thing going on here. However, I would be inclined to think there is something else going on with your son other then your surgeries. That may just be how he justifies his behavior to himself. There may be something going on with a girl or friends and he's taking it out at home. Its just a thought!
I do wish you all the luck...Remember he's and "adult" and needs to act like one! I get told everyday, "Im an adult!" There ya go!
It sounds like you are doing a great job. I really like love and logic. If you haven't heard of it Google, love and logic, Charles or Jim Faye. I have read their books, been to their seminars and met them in person. They are a father son team and they are wonderful.
I feel for you! I'm not much of a person to offer advice on this matter when I have the same thing going on here. However, I would be inclined to think there is something else going on with your son other then your surgeries. That may just be how he justifies his behavior to himself. There may be something going on with a girl or friends and he's taking it out at home. Its just a thought!
I do wish you all the luck...Remember he's and "adult" and needs to act like one! I get told everyday, "Im an adult!" There ya go!
It sounds like you are doing a great job. I really like love and logic. If you haven't heard of it Google, love and logic, Charles or Jim Faye. I have read their books, been to their seminars and met them in person. They are a father son team and they are wonderful.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." Erma Bombeck
19 lbs lost before surgery
9/3/09 Full TT, MR, BL, BA, Arm Reduction and Lipo 10-12 lbs skin/fat removed
Okay, my followup -- and thank you very much to all of you *****sponded, each and every one. I'm fading in and out wiht the Vicodin, so I'm not giving great timely replies now -- sorry !!!
The 18 year old came crawling back into the house last night, saying casually to his dad (not me) that well, handing over the keys is not such a big deal.
Phone service, laptop -- still nothing. But since leaving the house was a consequence of not respecting his DAD's authority (not mine), he got to shower and sleep in his own bed.
This morning he woke up, and after I added that I was also discontinuing payment of health insurance and private therapy (if he really wants them, he can buy them himself) ... gosh, suddenly he was willing to talk. He followed me around the house. This is not hard to do as I am moving at a snail's pace post-op.
Finally I burst into tears, and trust me when I say I am not a crying person. I probably cry a total of maybe five minutes over an entire year. I hurt like anyone else -- I'm just not a cryer. But there I was, crying. I said -- Y'know, I saved my life. I saved my life amd my health with all of these surgeries, and if your grandmother had been able to enjoy the blessing of them, her life would be very different today.
Golly, suddenly it's as if he hears. Personally I think this is just bullchit, that he suddenly realizes. Personally I think he suddenly realizes that life in this city sucks if you're 18 and have neithr car nor phone nor laptop and your parents are asking you to move in with one of your local relatives because they can't stand the sight of you.
I went on a little bit about survival rates for obese people who do or do not have surgery, and the complications of excess skin and his remark is, "well, if that's true, then of course I'd feel pretty bad."
And I got the following email from him about an hour later (probably sent from work):
Mom,
For a long time I thought you got the Gastric Bypass surgery simply
because you were tired of dieting and exercising and just did not want
to deal with it, so you went looking for a shortcut.
Based on what you told me this morning, I now know that it is not
nearly that simple, and because of what I now know I am really very
sorry.
I did not know the whole story and I made my decisions based on what I
thought I knew, and what I thought I knew turned out to be far from
the truth.
I hope you can forgive me.
His angry rant, sent a week before, was about 500 words -- I think this is about 100. I still think it's bullchite, but at least it opened the door to conversatoin. His dad is giving him back keys to the car so that he can do carpool for us tomorrow morning, but the kid hasn't had the chutzpah, yet to ask for phone or laptop to be reinstated -- and I'm not offering. We had a longish conversation this afternoon about "honoring mother and father," an important family concept for us that he has broadly breeched.
I',m sorry for the length of this, I wanted to keep you updated and my interior "edit" function is not working at this morning.
Thank you to everyone!
BTW, someone mentioned that what it's all about is probably not the surgery, and that's my belief, too.
The 18 year old came crawling back into the house last night, saying casually to his dad (not me) that well, handing over the keys is not such a big deal.
Phone service, laptop -- still nothing. But since leaving the house was a consequence of not respecting his DAD's authority (not mine), he got to shower and sleep in his own bed.
This morning he woke up, and after I added that I was also discontinuing payment of health insurance and private therapy (if he really wants them, he can buy them himself) ... gosh, suddenly he was willing to talk. He followed me around the house. This is not hard to do as I am moving at a snail's pace post-op.
Finally I burst into tears, and trust me when I say I am not a crying person. I probably cry a total of maybe five minutes over an entire year. I hurt like anyone else -- I'm just not a cryer. But there I was, crying. I said -- Y'know, I saved my life. I saved my life amd my health with all of these surgeries, and if your grandmother had been able to enjoy the blessing of them, her life would be very different today.
Golly, suddenly it's as if he hears. Personally I think this is just bullchit, that he suddenly realizes. Personally I think he suddenly realizes that life in this city sucks if you're 18 and have neithr car nor phone nor laptop and your parents are asking you to move in with one of your local relatives because they can't stand the sight of you.
I went on a little bit about survival rates for obese people who do or do not have surgery, and the complications of excess skin and his remark is, "well, if that's true, then of course I'd feel pretty bad."
And I got the following email from him about an hour later (probably sent from work):
Mom,
For a long time I thought you got the Gastric Bypass surgery simply
because you were tired of dieting and exercising and just did not want
to deal with it, so you went looking for a shortcut.
Based on what you told me this morning, I now know that it is not
nearly that simple, and because of what I now know I am really very
sorry.
I did not know the whole story and I made my decisions based on what I
thought I knew, and what I thought I knew turned out to be far from
the truth.
I hope you can forgive me.
His angry rant, sent a week before, was about 500 words -- I think this is about 100. I still think it's bullchite, but at least it opened the door to conversatoin. His dad is giving him back keys to the car so that he can do carpool for us tomorrow morning, but the kid hasn't had the chutzpah, yet to ask for phone or laptop to be reinstated -- and I'm not offering. We had a longish conversation this afternoon about "honoring mother and father," an important family concept for us that he has broadly breeched.
I',m sorry for the length of this, I wanted to keep you updated and my interior "edit" function is not working at this morning.
Thank you to everyone!
BTW, someone mentioned that what it's all about is probably not the surgery, and that's my belief, too.
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