Plastic Surgery and your spouse....A cautionary tale

Let me start by saying that I'm finally feeling better 21 days later from my BR/TT/Lipo. Still have a little opening on the TT incision but it looks like its healing ( or at least, I hope so).

Okay, so as promised, the cautionary tale;

Ladies, and the occational gentleman, throughout my WL journey my husband has been nothing but supportive. With every research, worry, and procedure, he has been there. He has taken me to most of my appointments, been with me registering at the hospitals in the wee hours of the morning, and has held my hands through the pain.
Never complaining, he has nursed me back to health.

So he has seen me go from 215lbs, to 134lbs, from size 20 to 8, and has always complimented me the SAME at every weight.

Okay, all my life (w/ him) I thought he would love me more thin. I thought I owed him that much, I thought I wasn't enough for him ( that's a whole other issue, therapist worthy). Don't get me wrong, he has NEVER led me to believe or feel unworthy, It's ALL me.

Soooooo... through this last part of my WL journey,  plastics, once again he has been there through the pain and tears. At first he did comment on how it pained him to see me in so much pain. He said that all the incisions made him uncomfortable, he even said that  he felt like most men feel after they see there wife give birth (like they never can see themselves intimitely with their wifes again). He mentioned that it would take him a while to get use to this new phase of our life.

So fine, I understood, and tried to keep private for a while. I noticed that although things look better now, he still keeps his distance. So while we were driving I decided to ask him what's going on.

Here's where it gets interesting;

He said that I never consulted with him about any of this. That this is not the person he married and had I ever considered that thats what he considered attractive. As I recovered from that statement I asked what the heck was he talking about. He said that he liked the fuller me, and that he didn't like small breast, and that this new me was too different for him.

I don't get it, doesn't every man like thin women with perky breast?
Turns out my hubby is a chubby chaser that likes big boobs, even if they were long and flabby!

We love eachother dearly, known eachother since we were 13 yrs old. We've been best friends since then and been together for 15 years. I mistook his patience and love for his preference. I know I would have still gone through with all this regardless, but deep in my heart with hopes of keeping him happy. I know he'll come around, I hope he does, I want him to think this too can be sexy.

Sorry this was so long, but please make sure you truely discuss your decisions with your partner. How does he TRUELY feel about your new choices. -Jessie

Bless your heart...it does make a person think!

I pray that it will all come together and that both of you will find the meeting point that is needed to move on in this phase.  He'll come around.

As I recently expressed to my husband of almost 11 years...this is the first time ever in my life that I've felt sexy and felt like a girl.  Never, ever before have I felt this till now.  It's amazing!  I'm thanking God for this gift!

So, take time to express to him your feelings too.  Now is the time to talk and talk and talk.  It's all going to be fine though.  Some men do get scared when these "improvements" are made.  He needs some reassurance that he is your man, forever and ever!

Tonja

It's not unusual for people to prefer fuller figures. In fact, historically, it's been a sign of fertility and femininity. I myself prefer fuller figures.

But if he didn't express that it was important to him previously, you can't be a mind-reader.

My partner truly understands my decisions were all health based. I loved my round body, but love being alive more-- and had to make a change.

Hi Jessie.  Thank you for sharing this with us.  In case you have not realized this yet, let me tell you , every man does not dream and desire a thin woman.  I believe every woman desires to be thin, even those full figure women who loves their curves and swear up and down they would never want to be a size 8.

After reading your post I asked my husband how does he feel about me being 150 lbs and preparing for tummy tuck and breast lift in August.  His response is he just want me to happy.  I rephrased the question because I felt as though he was holding back (thanks to you).  He expressed that he fell in love with a big breasted full figure woman because that's what he was attracted too.  I thanked him for sharing and promise to continue to talk about this and everything else regarding my physical appearance.

He then stated, he's enjoying the 90 lbs lighter me, he just wished the breast could have survived the weight loss.

Hang in there Jessie, it will be okay.

Sherline

 I believe every woman desires to be thin, even those full figure women who loves their curves and swear up and down they would never want to be a size 8.

I strongly disagree. If it weren't for my health I would be much, much larger.

Very enlightening.  I hope you and your husband are able to work through this.  I decided after reading your post to talk to my husband.  He said that my size doesn't matter to him as long as I'm happy with myself.  When we met 12-1/2 years ago, I was two sizes bigger than I am now.  Throughout all the years of gaining, losing, gaining, gaining, losing, gaining, gaining, gaining - he has always loved me no matter what I looked like.  He said the only thing he really has to say that he wishes hadn't changed about me what that my boobs were still like when we met - up where they belong.  All the weight changes they've gone through have destroyed them (as most of us know all too well).  I'm having an abdominoplasty on October 28, then plan to have either my arms done or my breasts lifted in January or February.  He voted for the boobs, but when I said just a lift, no implants he said he'd like implants.  I told him to feel free to get himself some implants if he wanted, but I don't want to have to deal with them.  He's decided any boobs in the vicinity of where they're supposed to be will be fine with him!

Wow Jessie

Thank you for sharing your story. I think that there are more 'chubby chasers' then people realize.  I am sure your experience will help others who were not aware or are not including their mates in their decisions.

My husband and I discussed the PS years ago even before I had the WLS. He has always said he wanted me to be happy and satisfied with myself.

I do hope that your husband can see how much happier and satisfied you are with your newly contoured body and be happy with you and continue to love you as you are, no matter what size are.

Congratulations on your journey.

Wow Jessie, bless your heart.  Like others have stated I really hope you two can work through this.. that is a lot to have on your plate now and will be hard for you to move forward with your life and your relationship with hubby till it is somewhat remedied I would think.  I am moved that you posted this and I think this post will have many women going to their SO's asking for their thoughts now.

I myself, just like Lizzybear, did and my husband said he is so sorry for your situation.  He said he married my soul, not the packaging.  Either he is feeding me a line, as most men are attracted to women on the outside or he truly believes that.  I know my husband, no way is he feeding me a line (he had the surgery himself so a different situation all the way around).  One thing I do know is that he married me heavy and he was at goal, I met him 7 mos postop. I think that says a lot.

Will your husband go to therapy with you??? I think I would be pushing for this... hang in there sweetie and again thanks so much for posting this.  There are many men out there that do like fuller figures and curves.  Don't start self-sabotaging yourself to gain weight after all you have been through - you are a success and now you have to figure out how to get all ends of the equasion happy.  

Mine has been having the same issues of missing his old wife...but it comes mostly from the WLS and less from the plastics.  He would in no way want me to be heavy again, but he says he married one woman and now has another...it is uncomfortable for him.  I always wonder if it is insecurities on his part that he blames on "loving thick girls".  While he does prefer an ample woman to a rail, I suspect alot of his displeasure with the new bod stems from worrying that it would be easier to replace him now.  While there are chubby chasers, there are far more men who prefer a slim figure, so that increases the odds kwim?  He would never admit to this, but it is a suspicion of mine.

I think he will learn to love the new you...just be patient with him because the changes might take awhile for him to adjust to.

I think its very possible that he is a chubby chaser, but on the other hand, I think its very possible that your husband is just redirecting his insecurity back to you. Chubby girls are safe for men, and often times that overrides any physical preferences. Chubby girls often times (but not always) are less likely to stray and are more committed to their men, and often times draw less competition from other men. I'm sure some people will read this as an overgeneralization and talk about secure, beautiful chubby girls, and frankly they'd be preaching to the choir. But come on, there's a reason that waifs are on magazine covers and that Jenny Craig is a mega business. Percentage wise, most people would prefer to be thin, and to have thin mates.

I don't think he would know it, but i think your husband could be jealous of the attention you are paying yourself, and the attention you attract from others. As a size 20, did you ever dedicate so much time, thought and effort to your health, size and appreance? Probably not. Does it make it wrong? No. It just makes it different than before. If you met someone as an alcoholic and they wen't to rehab, they would be different, but likely for the better. Nonetheless, your routine and interactions would be very different.

I think its important for your husband to not feel personally wounded. He may sense your attention to yourself as lack of attention on him, and that may be hurtful. He should respect what you want since it is your body, and inside of it, you have the same heart that you promised to him.  Thanks for posting this. It does make me give more thought to my decsisions. Best of luck to you.