Sometimes.... Families just S* * K

UGHHHHHH.. why do I put myself through the torture some times? I have no idea why I did what I did... but of course I got the outcome I expected.... I wish I could just kick myself....

What am I talking about? My sister... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH she makes me so mad and sad sometimes... I can see that my entire appointment with my psych coming up will be all about setting boundries with her rather than talking about me and my fears about my upcoming surgery..... OI'Ve.....

Here's a little background... I came flying out of my mom chubby and round and stayed that way for 40 years.... My sister on the other hand was a skinny twig till she hit her 40's  and had 2 kids.. Now she's hovering between 180 & 190, her doc wants her to loose 30 lbs and no matter what she does (although I don't think she's as strict as she says she is... but don't tell her I said that)..... it won't come off.

Prior to my GBP she was very negative about it. Her secretary had one and did well but still has some complications from it. To my sister it was the 'easy way out'.... So I didn't tell her about my GBP until right before my surgery. Her secretary had told her though about a month before so for a whole month she couldn't say a word to me... she just had to think about it...

Fast forward 18 months and 140 lbs later............ A new me.... during these past 18 months she has continued to make comments about how it's so much easier for me and so much more difficult for her because I 'had the surgery'.... blah blah blah... easy way out... blah blah blah..... She knew I was working on getting a panniculectomy approved by my insurance... But I had not told her any of the details lately.... Life has been crazy......

So why do I think families (particulary my sister) S **K.... 2 weeks ago my mother had what fortunately turned out to be a major anxiety attack.... (she has not dealt well with the death of my grandmother on 1/1 whom we were all very close to.. but that's another story).. they thought she was having a heart attack. so she was rushed to the hospital (almost an hour away from us) by ambulance...and kept over night for testing.. I of course (and would do it a million times over) immediately left work, and went up there. My sister took the I'll wait and see approach and came up after she got done with work and then left early to 'see the kids before they go to bed'.... and left me in charge. My mother was really upset about having to be kept over night so I offered to stay with her and would have in a heart beat. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do so because she wasn't in a private room... So around 11PM I drove the hour home, got back up at 5:30 am and headed back up there.... Stayed with my mom all day and then brought her home around 4:30 PM.... Long story short I was the only one with her the entire following day. So once I got my mother home I called my sister to tell her she was home and if she wanted to check on her to call her there... Wanna know what the byachhhhhhhhhhhhh had the nerve to say to me... (my mother had just won a brand new Dell Laptop)... "so tell me, do you think she's going to repay you by giving you the lap top"...... I was too exhausted to fight with her......

Why am I telling you all this.. just to give you a little background on just how she is....

So now I've decided on my surgery, decided to pay for it myself because my insurance said No way Jose'.. not enough antibiotic resistant rashes.... WHAT EVER !!! and have it scheduled..... So my sister calls me last night and were chatting..... And I decide ok I'm gonna tell her. WHY WHY WHY I'm now asking myself.... UGH I should have just kept my mouth shut.... It was the.... OHHHHHH that's so extreme, how many of these surgeries has this dr. performed... why couldn't you have just waited and tried to get the insurance to cover the PE and just had that done. why are you doing anything anyway... I have extra skin from being pregnant.. I live with it.. why can't you just live with it... 'DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU WON'T HAVE ANY EXTRA SKIN'.... 'DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WEAR A GIRDLE EVER AGAIN.. I WEAR ONE EVERY DAY'.... 'DO YOU REALLY THINK... BLAH BLAH BLAH"... can you say burst my bubble.... she absolutely took all the wind out of my sail of excitement for the new me... Now I know the answer to all of those is YES... but I didn't venture there with her just so that she could tell me how wrong I was... Now I should have known better.. Why on earth would I have thought for even 1 second she would be supportive...

Sorry I've talked all of your ears (or should I say eyes) off this morning.. But she has me so sad.... I know it's jealousy because now she's bigger than me... But knowing it's jealousy doesn't take the hurt away... Thanks for listening everyone....

Hi Lisa,  With three sisters and me always being the "fat" one, I can SO relate to you :)  I am so sorry your sister is focusing on herself and can't see what a wonderful life changing time this is for you.  Please don't let her sabotage your successes!  Learn to smile and let it go, I know its hard, but your body will thank you later!!!!  Robin

Lisa,
So sorry you've had to deal with this negativity throughout your journey! UGH...I agree that family can be the biggest bubble bursters of all! If she thinks WLS is the 'easy way out' she is obivously not informed, or else she chooses not to see the true facts.
Our families are able to hurt us more than anyone else because we love them and care about what they think. Sometimes we just have to move on and follow our hearts regardless of their reactions. Stay strong and try not to let this get you down. I know easier said than done, but think of the wondfulful results around the corner for you!
HUGS!

I too am sorry that you had to have this experience.  I can relate as my own mother (We are totally ceased talking) made nasty comments which while were hurtful, I chose to ignore.  My sister in law, while a thicker girl, has always been smaller than I was.  Once I had WLS, she chose not to speak to me at all.  We are now living out of state and the last time I went home and saw everyone, I was down at least 100 pounds and while it was nice that everyone made nice comments, she said nothing.  Just, "So you lost all this because you had surgery?"  Like I had WLS and the weight magically melted away.  I mean, as well all know, you have to change everything about your eating methods, find new ways to cope with stress, deal with a body that is constantly changing.  It’s a HUGE adjustment.  Even my husband went through this nasty period where he made snide comments and tried to make me fail by buying food that is not allowed, saying "just eat a little, what will it hurt?" and then getting upset when I would eat it.  Also he would get upset when I lost more weight.  Its so crazy.  I don’t understand how people think, certainly my own family, however I know it happens.  All I can really say is this; (at least for me) I had WLS for myself, no one else.  I wanted to feel better, be able to move better, find clothes that actually fit me, and live until I was old.  On the road that I was on, I only had blood sugar issues, heart issues, joint issues, back pain, and lung issues to look forward to.  Now I can look forward to buying a bathing suit for the first time in like 15 years.  I can look forward to swimming, riding a bike, wearing clothes that were styled in this decade, being able to sleep without my cpap machine, and loving myself again.  For those reasons I would take any amount of BS my family dishes.  I just consider the fact that they can not POSSIBLY understand what it was like being more than 400 pounds at one point and if they don’t understand how I can put myself through all this.  And it doesn’t really matter that they don't.  I am proud of the changes I have gone through and that I am learning to love myself.
And in the end, as long as you accept yourself, love yourself enough, it won’t matter that your sister is being a brat.  She will regret it at some point as she will find that she will be pushing away everyone that loves her with her venom.  If anything, feel for her.  She must truly be an unhappy person.  I hope this helps, knowing that others have had similar issues.

Aww Lisa So Sorry you are having to deal with this.  I think it hurts worse when it is family giving us this negative feedback b/c u feel they just shouldn't hurt you and you do love them.  Wow... I can imagine how hard it is but if I were you I would do my best to ignore it and do what is best for Lisa.  It has got to be more than aggravating.  After I had my WLS my mother and grandmother made such yucky icky comments to me it put me in therapy, I realized later it is jealousy and I hated to think that b/c then it made me feel "vain" so I didn't want to accept that.  I have now and they are coming around slowly but surely.  Hang in there my friend.

Thanks everyone for all of your kind words and support... I know I can always come here because we've all walked in each others shoes.....

And I just keep looking at everyones flat tummies after their surgeries and know.. Mine will look like that too.... and hmmmmmmmmm maybe I'll even be good enough next summer for a bakini... LOL

Hey Lisa,

First of all let me first give you a cyber hug and congratulate you on your weight loss and your decision to move forward with a panni.

As for your sister, it's unfortunate that she is so miserable and I do see that she is jealous and controlling.  Old habits die hard, for sure, but you have to realize that she can only affect you as much as you allow her too and I am CERTAIN that your therapist will tell you that.

She should not have the control to alter your feelings by sprouting all her negativity.  I am not telling you to not have a relationship with your sister.  Not at all - but just like I am sure you have certain friends that you are closer to than others and discuss certains things with some that you don't with others, you should apply the same strategies to your sister.

I have 2 sisters.  Love them both.  One of them I am close to and the other one, I am not.  So?  I don't even waste the energy stressing over why it is so and why am I not as close to one as the other or how does it look or how does it make her feel....nada.  She has her personality and I have mine and it is best for all concerned if we keep our conversations spaced apart and we keep them light and on the surface.  It is not necessary for her to know too many details about my personal life, my internal journey, my issues, my road to self-actualization or any of that.  I confide in those who I feel trust me enough to make decisions about MY OWN LIFE and who have my best interests at heart and are supportive and loving.  Otherwise, who needs the b.s. and the drama?  I don't and don't suspect that you do either.

Love your sister but love yourself more.  Accept who your sister is because you can't change her but you CAN change your reaction to her, how close you allow yourself to get to her, and how much information about yourself you divulge to her.  Control the aspects of this situation that you are able to control and it will make you feel more empowered, less victimized and definitely will dispell a lot of the negativity that she sends your way.

All the best to you. 

Queen Nae.... You said that so eloquently (I know I prolly spelt that wrong).. Thank you Thank you Thank you.... You are soooooo right...

Hugs,

Lisa

You're welcome!  *Hugz*