OT: 79 yr old mom-being unreasonable-please help!

We had a house fire 3 weeks ago and it was a total loss. Please read the following as I need some advice and thought I would come to you here knowing that you are wise people and have helped me in so many ways concerning WLS that I thought I would share this with you to see if ANYONE cares to offer some suggestions...Here goes: This may get long, but please read so you will understand my dilemma and want to share your advice/opinion with me. I am 51, married and have two children and 4 siblings, and my 79 year old mother. My two older brothers live in NY. I live in PA with my husband and 2 children. My mother and (mentally handicap) sister live in FL during the winter months. Here is my situation. My grandparents bought a summer cottage on a private lake in the Pocono's in 1958. My entire family (Grandparents, Parents and siblings) spent every summer and holidays at this cottage since I was 4 years old. My grandparents died while I was in my teens and my father died when I was 18. One of my older brothers was killed in Viet Nam 38 years ago today, when I was 13 (Jan 31,1968). So, my mother lost her parents, brother, son and husband all within a ten year span and also raised her mentally challenged handicapped daughter (my younger sister). To try and make this story shorter, I will try and get to the question at hand. For the past 8 1/2 years I have been the one to co-support my mother and younger sister. (I have only been married for the past 5 years...I was a single parent until then) My sister doesn't drive and she and my mom live together. My sister was married to an older man who passed away several years ago. Since then, my mother moved in with my sister in the home her husband had bought (after I spent every available minute pack, getting rid of and moving all my mothers belongings to my sister's home across the street and 4 doors down. My mother is a pack-rat from the word go. She and my sister spend aprox. 6 months in Florida (sisters home-in dire need of many repairs and uninsured) (colder weather) and six months in PA (at the lake cottge). For the past 6 or 7 years now, either me or my husband has driven my mother & sister to and from florida when the time comes for them to travel back and/or forth. We either fly down and drive them back with their vehicle or something to that affect. We receive no money from them to do this. This is totally out of our own pocket each time. We also give them extra cash to live on when we can (almost every month). They (Mom & Sis) are both on a very fixed limited income living solely on Social Security and so does my husband and I (he is permenantly disabled with a bad back and has had spinal cord surgery among others'). Mom has been in and out of hospitals for the past 5 years steadily. She is on oxygen 24/7 and uses a wheel chair (that someone has to push her) whenever she goes out. My sister is Mom's caregiver daily as they live together. Mom is the type person that even if she drops a pen on the floor she will call for my sister to come and pick it up for her even though mom is VERY capable of doing it herself---my sister is literall her gofer. We are a VERY close family, But My Mom tends to make me and/or my sister and my husband feel quilty no matter what the topic is. She talks to us however she pleases but would NEVER speak that way to my two brothers whatsoever. And this isn't just once or twice a month. This is almost DAILY! My two brother's whom reside in NY (both have a good income/money) and will be left a decent amount of money (including vacation homes in Florida) when their in-laws pass on. Neither of my brothers help financially in any way with my mother or sister. My one brother (who's uncle in-law is a millionaire and will leave him and his wife everything when he passes on---he is in his late 80's) hasn't even visited my Mom in over 3 years although when she comes up to PA for 6 months every year, he hasn't come up and only lives 3 hours away. HE and his family go on vacation to the same town my mother is in EVERY single year for two weeks. He doesn't take any time out of his vacation plans/time to see my mom or sister then either. When my grandparents died they left my parents as TRUSTEE of their land in PA. My mother's younger brother lives in TX and always has. He has been to the PA cottage one time in his entire life. On my grandfathers dying bed he asked my mom if she talked to mike (her brother) yet? Mike said "about what"? And Mom said "I will tell you when we get home". Her brother was up from TX to see grandpa before he passes on (this was 1970). What my grandfather meant was: Did my mother tell Mike that my grandfather wanted to leave the PA house and property (5 acres) to my parents, since my parents are the ones who maintained the house and property over the years. Mike did absolutely NOTHING. (although his name was sill on the deed as part ownership and my mother being older was the TRUSTEE). My grandfather wanted Mike taken off the deed and Mike was to be give my grand- father's insurance money, pick up truck and camper and also a gold diamond ring that was my grandmother' to be given to Mike's daughter. These things were give to Mike from my parents when grandpa passed away. 4 1/2 years ago my mother let my husband and I put a double-wide mobile home on the property. We (hubby & I) paid for the home, and all the 5 acres of property/school taxes each year and insurance on the lake house and another mobile home on the land and our double-wide (of course). A year after we moved into our new home, Mike (mom's brother) sends us a letter (mind you...his daughter and son are both attorney's in TX) and states that he wants $45,000.00 cash within the next 5 months (at years end) or he will sue my mother and make her sell the entire property and split everything with him 50/50. None of my brother's stepped in to help. My husband and I had to come up with a way to handle the situation so as not to lose our home, the big 2 story lake house, the 5 acres of land and the other single wide mobile home. Mike conveniently couldn't remember receiving ANYTHING from my parents when grandpa died. Diamond ring, Truck, camper, insurance money...??? NOTHING!!! Oh..also, when mom passes on her wishes are that my sister gets the big house (since my husband and I have our house---that WE paid for thank you and we also pay for all the upkeep on the entire land and homes, insurance and taxes...not to mention supporting mom and sis financially). Okay, so hubby and I refinance "our" home so that we can pay off Mike the $45,000.00 and the attorney fee's, surveyers, etc. oh and also paid off $15,000.00 of credit card debt that mom had. Needless to say she is right back up with more credit card debt. HERE is the problem...the big 2 story lake house (that Mom couldn't afford insurance on and had absolutely no insurance on it before I moved to PA in 1997. She was also a year behind on her taxes as well and almost two years behind but before they could come and take her land my hubby and I had to come up with the money to pay her defaulty taxes) burned to the ground 3 weeks ago. It was a total loss. All it's contents (filled with antiques galore) and the structure itself. The house was insured in both my and my husband's name and we paid the insurance. The land is also in our names as well as my sister's. NOW, here is the real clincher...MOM wants us to build a new home and she wants this and that in it and a window seat, basement, island in the kitchen, etc. etc. etc. (oh and they have a dog that wets on the carpets, floors, couch, whereever when my mom and sis go out) and MOM wants to design the house and she and my sister live in it exclusively! That means...my husband and I are dealing with every ASPECT of this devastating fire. Just the fact that it and all the memories burned to the ground is gut wrenching. I am just now bearing the shock of it all a little easier. But each and every day my mom haunts me with phone calls of what SHE wants. She expects us to take care of the insurance adjusters, clearing out the debris, handling the county, lawyers, insurance company, contractors, architect, etc etc etc....a daily consuming event to say the leat, but yet she wants to move in and live there with my sister....scott free and without doing a thing except design it and make sure it has EVERYTHING she wants. Meanwhile...my husband and I are holding the 30 year mortgage on this home as when we had to refinance our home to pay off MIKE and mom's credit card debt....we paid our double wide off and took the new mortgage out on the big lake house. That is the only way the mortg. co would do it since it was a stick built house and not a "mobile home". I do NOT think the insurance money that we will get from the fire will even pay off the current mortgage. It will be like $20,000.00 shy of paying it off. What my husband and I would like to do is...have my mom and sister move into our new 2001 double-wide huge mobile home with a $30,000.000 4- season sun room added on and for me and my husband and children to move into the new house once it is built. We can NOT live together with my mother...and she won't want that either...we would kill each other (not literally of course). I love my mother dearly but to me she is being totally unreasonable. We have not yet mentioned to her the idea of living in our MOBILE home...but I know she will just freak out when I bring that suggestion up to her. Every time I speak with her it is what she WANTS in HER NEW HOME...etc etc etc. I asked her "Mom, do we (hubby and I) have a say in this at all"? She said "No, why"? I said: "why not" and she said...go ahead...have it all, do what you like, I'll just stay in Florida!!! And hung up the phone on me. Since then I have called her right back and asked her to please listen rationally and that I didn't want to argue with her nor make her upset. She feels my husband and I have a home so why can't we just let her live in the New home (once it's re-built****il she passes on? My husband (and I) think that is totally ubsurd. Would you pay for a mortgage of $2000.00 per month for mortgage alone (not to mention yearly taxes and insurance)and let someopne else (your elderly mother who just sleeps most of the day anyway for days on end, sister and a dog that will ruin the floors and new furniture in NO time? Am I not seeing things clearly here, is it just me...am I nuts? IS there anyone out there who can offer some helpful suggestions on what you would do and/or say to YOUR mother if you were in OUR shoes? I want to thank all who took the time to read this and for your help and suggestions in this mind boggling saga. As if the stress of the fire isn't enough, and having to deal with ever single aspect of rebuilding, etc...and now let someone else live in a brand new home that I will be paying for and not able to live in myself? What is WRONG with this picture? HELP PLEASE!!! Also, please keep in mind that this house/land was given to my mom scott free with no mortgage. Yes my parents had to pay taxes from 1970 after my grandpa died, but when my father died in 1974 my mom had to try and pay them herself while taking care of my sister and maintaining her home on Long Island. But since about 1990 she couldn't afford insurance anymore and the taxes got behind as well. With all this said my mother still wants both my brothers to have either the back 2 1/2 acres of land or be put on the deed so that they get something. Now they both have an excellent salary, with very wealthy in-laws, vacation homes, stocks & bonds, insurance policies from rich relatives once they pass on etc...My husband and I have nothing but our love and concern for ourselves and my mom and family...but enough is enough...this just seems to unreal to fathom....I anxiously await some feedback on this. Stressed to the max! Audrey

WOW! "picking my jaw up off the floor" You and your husband in my opinion have gone far beyond the call of duty. I think your idea sounds great! How could your mother POSSIBLY think that is right? Especially, if the money wont even pay off the mortgage. Ask her WHO should come up with the 20K still owed? If she doesnt like that plan, I think you should just let it stay the way it is...maybe they need to just stay where they are all year round. The truth hurts but as long as you keep picking up the pieces with her bossing you around...she will continue to do so! Go with your plan or don't do it at all. Not only is the stress not good for you but I cant imagine the toll that it's taken on your marriage financially!!! WHEW!! She is being TOTALLY UNREASONABLE! STICK BY YOUR GUNS or you'll be a slave to her the rest of her life...dang...she could out live ALL OF YOU! You just never know! And with the dog that pee's everywhere...CRAZY in MHO! Good luck to you! YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HOLD OF THIS SITUATION!! As difficult as it may be. I doubt you'll regret it once it's said and done...but you cant continue to ALLOW HER to treat you like a puppet and from my eyes...when she says dance you dance. I know that you are just trying to help...but you have to draw the line SOMEWHERE! IT'S TIME!! JUST DO IT!! Julie

Hi Julie, Thanks for responding. BTW---you look marvelous! Later, I will go and read your profile, but have a councelor coming to the house very soon so I will read it later tonight. Just to update you a bit... I had written my Mom a letter over the weekend telling her my anguish and that I didn't like having to resort to writing a letter but felt it best to convey my honest feeling by letter instead of the phone because we only wind up getting hurt or angry with each other most of the time. In the letter I told her that I had gone on line to my WLS OH friends and asked them for advice/help/input about this situation. I told her it was only to help me because I was so stressed over all this. I told her I never ever would take away any credit she is due for all the years she spent keeping both NY an PA and even then FL places going with such a very very limited income. To make a long story short...I called her on the phone yesterday to see if she received my letter. She answered the phone and was very "cold" to me and I asked her if she got the letter and she said yes and that she would not say another word about the house that I can do what the hell I want. I said why are you so sarcastic...she said "You have stabbed me in the back WORSE then ANYONE has ever done in my life" and she hung the phone up on me. Of course after that I cried like a baby. Here she was taking my letter entirely the wrong way (what else is new?) and now she is even MORE hurt then ever. Oh she did say (after saying she wouldn't say another word...) that I went and cried to all my friends about this and that (sarcasticly) she didn't want to cause me any more stress and make me cry. Then immediately after that she commented how I stabbed her in the back etc...and hung up! No more stress, oh yeah, like that wasn't anymore stress! My Mom see's it as this is still all her land and her house until she dies even though she did put the deed, etc. into our names (me, hubby & sister). My sister won't even pick up her phone now...I guess she is scared to death (as I am sure Mom has brainwashed her with all Mom's own ideas as usual). I know my mom sleeps late because she has a sleeping disorder and it is very difficult for her to fall asleep (I am sure even moreso now)...so I tried calling my sister to see if I could comfort her and find out just what mom said to her when she read the letter, but they wouldn't pick up the phone. Funny thing though...my nephew's birthday was yesterday and I called him on his cell from my cell phone and after about a minute he says :Aunt Aud, hold on because I have Nanna (my mother) on the other house phone line. (My mom had called him for his birthday---he is one of my brother's son...) Oh I can just imagine what she was telling my brother. I guess I will be on the S**T list with the entire family now!!! This is a nightmare and it seems like it just gets more frightening every day...now with Mom saying what she did. She didn't even try to talk or understand what I wrote in the letter. I told her no matter what I say now, later or in the past, that I have and always will love her...but she commented about that too saying oh yeah....you say I love you and all that in your letter but "You have stabbed me in the back WORSE then ANYONE has ever done in my life". Then click went the phone. I wish now that I had never written that letter but in my heart I know it had to be done. I thank you for your opinion (which is 99.9% the same respone I got from others), and it does help to know that others feel the same as I do, but somehow it doesn't make ME feel better. But, you replying and what you had to say is greatly appreciated Julie! Thanks, Audrey