Need help with 4 year old
Ladies...
I am in desperate need of any and all help from those of you who have had experience with 4 year olds.
I have a little boy who is very strong willed. I am going nuts. From the morning he wakes up until he goes to bed our household is crazy. All he does is argue with us (hubby and I) and not listen at all. He is getting bad notes sent home from school everyday. I just don't know what to do anymore. He has always been a very "wild" child. I have cut out all sugar that isn't natural and even cut out Red food dye #40 (advice from doctor, can cause some children to he hyper). This has helped with him being so wild, but his lack of attention and constant arguing is out of control. I feel like such a failure as a parent. His teachers at school ask me what "works" for him...I just don't know. He is determined to do whatever he pleases! He goes to a very structured preschool (Mon-Fri 8:30am-3:30pm) program. He is very smart and had no problem learning, his behavior is effecting others in his class. I feel like I have tried to discipline him in many different ways and he just doesn't respond to it. Spanking a joke..he laughs at you. Time out doesn't work...he just gets out and does the same thing again...Naughty stool...no...he likes his stool.
His teacher suggested that he see a child psychologist...which we can't see until the end of November. In the meantime...I don't know what to do with this child. I love him so much and it breaks my heart that he just doesn't listen.
Any advice would he helpful and appreciated.
Kerry
Hi Kerry,
This is the teacher side of me at the moment, because my little one is only 8 months old tomorrow. Is he on a contract? He is starting to be old enough to understand actions and consequences, and maybe this might help him get started in the right way. You'll totally have to modify it to fit your needs but here is an example. You can make a grid on your computer or go to a teacher supply store and get a notepad of grids for behavior charts. I like to pick 3 things to work on, 2 things he really needs to work on and one he usually can do pretty consistently, so he sees some positives from the beginning. Maybe just two since he's just four... then work up to another one. Ok, so choose the things, one thing might be listening to mommy and daddy the first time he's told to do something. "I will listen to my mommy an daddy and do what I am told the first time" The other might be "I will brush my teeth after my meal" or "I will put the seat down after I use the bathroom." something he needs a little bit of reminder for but mostly can be successful at. Write them down on the grid, even though he can't read, the visual reminder will help. You can draw a picture like an ear or something or a hand if its "Keep my hands to myself" to help reinforce the idea. Then, break up the day into smaller bits, by the hour or morning, afternoon, and evening. If he's successful during that time period, give him a happy face, or maybe a sticker, if not, nothing, or a check. During each time period remind him that he is working on his contract and what his responsibilities are. Here's what helps it work though, tie the contract into consequences: Say, for every x happy faces, he will get y. X being how many and depending on how many he can earn in a day, minus a few, so if there are 15 opportunities, make a "successful" day start out with 10 then bump it up. Y can be whatever motivates him, 15 minutes on the computer, extra time with mommy and a book, etc. You can even make him see long term goals by saying for every x successful contract he earns he can also earn a bigger reward, such as pizza night, going to a movie, etc. Keep this on the fridge, and keep the successful ones there too to motivate him. I'd suggest removing the unsuccessful ones after the day has passed. Also, you can instill a negative consequence for too few happy faces, such as early to bed 30 minutes, no desert, etc. So again with the 15 example, if he gets 5 or less in one day, the negative consequence will be invoked. See how the "easier" task comes in to play? You really want him to work on listening to you the first time, but he can be successful at getting nearly half happy faces by just doing what he normally does well, that will make him want to make the extra effort to get more happy faces and the reward. The key is getting him to buy into it with rewards that motivate HIM. Give him options or let him come up with ideas. Tell him why you are doing it: to improve his behavior and help him be more successful in school, at home, etc. Tell him your expectations and that this is not a permanent thing, just for a while to help him focus on a few things. (This can also be used long term, but it can be challenging more for the parents to be consistent for so long.) Another option is that grid thing that you can make or get at the parent-teacher supply store. With that, pick one thing, like listening to directions the first time he's told and write that at the top. When he's "caught" doing the right thing, he gets a sticker or happy face or whatever in a box. When he fills up the grid, he earns a prize (set prize ahead of time so he knows what he's working for, at his age, make him be able to earn prizes every day at least). You can for both things put a picture or some other representation of the prize/goal for him to see with the contract. (Think "skinny picture" of yourself on the fridge.) Eventually, you want him to do the right things because they are the right things to do, not just for a reward, of course. Thats one reason to keep it "temporary". Explain this to him along the way. You can always come back to it or change it to a new behavior that needs modification. I hope this helps!
-Donna
Donna,
Wow! Thank you very much for taking the time to write that out. I really appreciate it! I have already printed it out and I plan on going to the teacher supply store tomorrow morning after I drop him off at school. I can't wait to see how he responds to it. I had heard about using a "table" but was never quite sure on exactly how to use it. Thank you!
Kerry
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