Here we go again

   Yesterday before I went to work at the store, Siehara asked if she could go for a walk and she'd be back by 4.  I gave her permission and told her to call me and leave a message when she gets home so I knew she was safe.  Well, she didn't call.  

I waited until about 5 and tried to call here.  No answer.. kept trying until 5:30.. still no answer.  Of course, now I'm worried sick.  I can't leave work because there wasn't anyone to cover me.. I tried.  I called my neighbor and her friend Blake.  Neither of them knew where she was, but both came to my apartment looking for her... not here.. I (and the neighbor) suggested that she may be at the mall.

I called the Apple store first and they would not tell me a thing because of "customer privacy".. um what?! She's 13.. he didn't care.  So, I called mall security and they checked the camera for Apple first, saw her and then saw her getting into a car with 2 skinny blondes (Blake and his aunt, thank goodness).  I got a hold of Blake and confirmed it was him and they dropped her off at home.  I called her to see that she was home and she was crying on the phone and apologizing.  By the time I got home from work, she was unemotional and seeimingly unaffected by the whole thing.  She got angry with ME for having a "tone" with her about going somewhere without my permission and about not completing her chores.  

After I found her last night, I called Neil to let him know what was going on.  He got here as soon as he could and spent the night with me.  He is going to talk to Siehara while I am at work tonight to see if he can get anything out of her.  

I left a message at Kids Peace to see what other types of programs they have available.. I know there is an intensive outpatient program and a respite type inpatient program.  I'm hoping they can offer something to us.  We need more help than we are getting, obviously.  She is just not getting it.  She doesn't seem to care about anything.  It's a wonder that I don't drink.. and NO quitting smoking has not happened yet, nor will it happen any time soon.  I'm trying hard not to turn to food, but as soon as I found her last night, I went outside and smoked a cigarette and then went to the back room at work and had a sticky bun.. 

 I'm confused - what was she doing at the apple store?  How did you know to even look there?  You need to call Apple IMMEDIATELY and make sure she is not allowed to do anything with the computers - I don't understand the, "customer privacy" thing?  What did you ask them?  Call the store manager and talk with them.  Ugh = I am so sorry for the **** you are going through with her.  She is a tough cookie.  I guess she is no longer allowed to even leave the apartment anymore. Be tough girlie.  I think you should go back to considering moving down here for additional supports.

I love you!

 She goes to the Apple store to get on the computers since there is no access here.  

I called them and told them that my 13 year old daughter was missing and would they please check to see if she was in the store.  

How do I stop her from leaving the apartment when I am not here to make sure she doesn't leave?   I am still considering the move.. really just waiting on Neil at this point.  He graduates at the end of February.  I want to see where he ends up and go from there.   

 Is there a Y program that she can go to while you are at work?  Is it cost effective to even consider that?  I wonder if you tell her that if you quit Dress Barn, there will be NOTHING for her.  That only the money that you earn from your day job will only cover so much.  She can kiss anything extra good bye.  What a nightmare.  I hope that Neil considers finding himself down here! :)  We could all help out!  I love you!

 I told her in the past that I have to have the 2nd job to be sure that I can keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.  

She tried to play those words against me the other day in a note she wrote.  She told me that she was sleeping on the floor of her bedroom with the window open so she could get used to sleeping outside for when we lost our apartment.  I did not play into it and just let it go.  She knows deep down that if SHE changes HER behaviors that I won't have to quit Dress Barn and we won't have to worry about losing our place.  

We tried an after school program at the Boys and Girls club before, but she didn't like it.  Plus, there were a bunch of kids there who I really don't want her associated with because she'll end up following them down the wrong path.  

 "She tried to play those words against me the other day in a note she wrote.  She told me that she was sleeping on the floor of her bedroom with the window open so she could get used to sleeping outside for when we lost our apartment.  I did not play into it and just let it go. " 

She is getting good at the passive aggressive game....how clever! :)  LOL!

Lisa,

The life of a mom of a teenager?!?! UGH! I am SO not looking forward to this with Dee!!

I want to send you tons of ((HUGS)) and support! You know I am here for you!! Call me if you need to vent...

I am so glad that you have Neil to lean on and that Siehara responds(or at least seems to) to him. I have felt that helplessness and fear with Dee. There were a couple of times she was playing with kids from the neighborhood and when I went to look for her she was nowhere to be found?!?! EEK!! That is why we got her a cell phone, which she lost already?!?!? We are still deciding if we want to give her one of our old phones as a replacement.

Don't beat yourself up about your slip with the cig or the sticky bun! You are human and a stress eater like me, been there done that a MILLION times!!

You have my support and love,

Love you, Beth

Wow....no easy answers.

Supervision seems to be key, whether she is in the house or not. I think you can "excuse" one or two of he incidents you have faced recently, but they come together to form a pattern of behavior that is pretty serious. And I don't want to make a doomsday prediction but the door is open for more serious stuff to happen - like shoplifting, if she is sneaking to the mall for example. And she is at prime age (a little older than average actually) for experimentation with drugs and alcohol.

Honestly the only ideas in my head for the short term would be to get child care for her to cover her any time you are away. Daily check ins on her schoolwork and behavior. Step up the therapy for both of you. Continue taking the computer cord when you leave the house. ALL priviliges are earned by doing the chores (and be very specific on this - what does she earn each day for doing what she IS supposed to do). Alert the police that she snuck out and let her know you have done so. (They probably wont actually do anything but she doesn't know that.)

Would her therapist support one of the more intensive programs you mentioned?

Does she have special education services at school?

Notice that none of these involve food. Or you consuming food. Are you able to get to the gym at all these days? Talk about having to work off some stress! She seemed to do ok when she went with you and did homework there a while back.

 Thanks for your input, Lynn.  Supervision is definitely a necessity. 

I spoke to her therapist yesterday and we decided that she probably is at the point where she needs something more intensive.  We think that the intensive outpatient program could be the way to go.   I am going to wait until Tuesday so I can talk to her in person.  But, Neil and I were talking about it and we think that letting Siehara know that she has backed me into a corner with her actions and drastic measures are going to be taken may wake her up.  

I am going to talk to her tonight after school (I got someone to cover my shift tonight so I can stay home with her).  I am going to let her know that if she does not straighten up, things will happen.  I'm just not sure if I should tell her exactly what is going to happen or just leave her wondering.  I am going to call the intake person back and let them know that I want to bring her to therapy Tuesday night to have a discussion with Kelly about it before we make a move.  

Thoughts on telling her WHAT will happen if she doesn't straighten up? Tell her or not? 

Gym time is tough with the 2 jobs.  She doesn't like to go hang out there anymore, but that is probably because she was getting online while I was there.  I will have to INSIST that she come with me on days that I can get there.  

We have the XBOX, so we can do games on there together and get exercise and have fun

 I love all the suggestions here.  As for what to tell her, I truly beleive in telling the truth.  I think you should let her know what you are considering.  List all her actions, advise her AGAIN, why they are dangerous behaviors.  Let her know all the thigs that you have done to get her to a safe place and then tell her what will happen next.  Advise her that on Tuesday a conversation will be had with the therapist and tell her the things that you are DEFINITELY going to be discussing with her.  Remind her that you adore her, tell her the amazing things about her that you love and remind her that although this seems really har**** takes two to work this out and you are not willing to do it alone.

Love you!