Trigger Tuesday

Man oh Man I love my husband dearly, Those of you who know him know that he is not a horrible beast. But dear Lord yesterday was not much better. He is like a rattlesnake lying in wait. He keeps wanting to know when I am going to have to white knuckle it through my addiction and not indulge in my drug of choice? I have no idea how to answer this question? I mean everyday when someone offers me something I dont eat anymore and I say no to me that is hard. I feel like I suffer. It make light of it and usually end up trying to make the other person feel better about the fact that I CANNOT eat the damn cake. Wht is that not enough suffering for him?? I mean yes I eat bread it is my drug of choice right now for sure. I need to lose 35 lbs of regain and when I put down the baggette I am sure that this will aide in my doing so. I am just not understanding what my path has to do with his?? 

I am trying to be very patient and not resentful. But I had promised to practice my reiki on him last night and I just could not do it because I was in tears most of the night. I know he feels bad too because he hates to see me cry or know i am hurt.

I just kept thinking why are you doing this to me? THis week of all weeks? This audit is a killer? I Could lose my job over it? Which leads me to the next thing today is the first day. Please send some positive thoughts. I am ready to handle the auditors it is my crazy CEO That sends me over the edge 3 days with him I am not sure I can handle.

Then to add to the drama my 1st ex husband emails me and says that he needs to TALK because he is going through a lot and I am his only friend. WTF? I have not seen this man for 15 years! I have not talked to him in 10. We are not friends. I really do not wish him harm but I dont really care what happens to him either. Why would he be delusional enough to think that we are friends???? THEN MY OLDER SISTER calls the one who I am speaking to and is crying and telling me she enjoyed seeing me at christmas and misses me and does not understand why I am not coming around or talking to anyone as much? I swear you put up a boundary and people just keep crawling over it!  Sorry to rant. If you know me at all you know this comes in waves, LOL 

LOve to you all have a blessed day. Trish I hope you get some healing and get out of the hospital soon

GM Nicole and PA:

Nicole, so sorry you are going through all this right now.  I was talking to Gene last night about what Jason is going through - Gene said that day 3 to 7 are the worst, if he's made it past day 3 he's is good shape to make it to day 7.  It's withdrawl like any other addict.  And like Gene said last night although those addicted to cigs etc., lash out at those they love there is no one besides those with eating disorders that truly understand our trigger points.  We cannot live without food, when someone else is going through withdrawel they feel the same way, once they are through that withdrawl they can choose not to touch those things.  We however cannot choose to give up food forever it is a part of life sustaining nutrition for us to live.  But you know all that stuff.  Gene said to let you know he is keeping you and Jason in his prayers.

Today I'm back to work.  Overslept this morning, oh well.  After spending almost an entire weekend sick and sleeping I'm happy to be awake sort of on time.  working till 4ish.  Then home.  Have not been able to get on the treadmill all week.  This is the first day since Sunday a week and hal*****hat I've sort of felt okay.  If I'm up to it treadmill or if Gene has shopping for the house to do then that is what I'll be doing when I get home.

Hope you alll have a wonderful day - stay dry and safe.

Ida

PS:  Sending prayes out to Trish for her upcoming surgery today...

Thanks Ida and Gene I appreciate it.  I understand Jason's pain. But man oh man I am pretty fragile now too.

Good morning all - Nicole, sending hugs and prayers your way that Jason is soon over the hump and not attacking anymore. It amazes me how horrible the addiction to cigarettes can be and how even more awful the withdrawal can affect us. And it's funny (odd funny - not ha-ha funny) that he resents you not giving up your addiction - you have to eat to live and constantly be around food - you don't have to smoke and can distance yourself from smokers. I had the hardest time getting that through to my husband when I wanted to have gastric bypass, because he couldn't understand how I could quit smoking cold turkey after 20 years but I couldn't lose weight. Took a while for that to sink into his fat little head - LOL!!!

And boy they are coming out of the woodwork for you right now - hang in there! and if your ex and your sister are toxic then just say NO - the last thing it sounds like you need right now is more stress in your life.

I'm at work - - it's getting harder all the time! We did accept an offer on our house and now we have to work through all the paperwork, settlement dates, etc. But having the offer takes a huge amount of stress off of us.

Not much else going on in my life right now - pretty much focused on the whole house thing, and my neighbor who is beginning chemo treatments for lung cancer - if there was ever a case for NOT smoking I can give several prime examples - my mother, my brother and my neighbor - they can all say people who don't smoke get lung cancer, and yes, that's true, but smoking is certainly adding fuel to that fire. Might want to pass that one along to Jason...

Kathy

Kathy you know that no matter what smokers dont stop because someone else got lung cancer but I will pass it along and thanks for the well wishes. GOOD LUCK ON YOUR HOUSE,. I am very excited for you

 Hey Nic - Yes - I do know Jason and I know how much he loves you - doesn't make it any better when you are in the middle of the chaos.  I told Larry that Jason quit smoking and is struggling.  I am hopeful that Larry will reach out to Jason just so he has a friend to lean on.  I know that when Larry is in a bad place, it doesn't matter where I am, I just need to suck it up and give him what he is desperate to have.  I don't always get it right, sometimes I can't see past my own nose to see that he is feeling needy and then a fight ensues - It is sometimes then, he actually tells me what his issue is and had expected me to know.  I, of course, am NOT a mind reader - but to deescalate the fight, I give in.  We have been together almost 25 years and are still figuring it out.  Take a deep breath, know that this too shall pass and that you are doing only what you are able to do.

I am sadly back in rainy dreary Philadelphia.  Again I say - rain in the winter is just stupid precipitation. What a GREAT time I had this weekend. My calves and stomache muscles are crying from being used - but it is a good pain.  If only I could ski for 5-6 hours per day - then this extra weight would come RIGHT off! :)  Stupid job that gets in the way!  Today is school, Hebrew School run and then I teach tonight.  Am pretty sure that by the end of the day - my calves will stage a revolt and not let me use them! LOL!

Happy Tuesday all!

Thanks Steffi I know that you understand this for sure. Years ago I could take it. No problem would not have hurt me in the slightest. I am just so fragile now letting all my walls down, and putting up walls where they need to be with people has made me unable to deal with much. I just know I love him and I want him to stop so I will deal with it.

Congrats on the skiing maybe some day you can take me

GM Nicole and PA!!

((HUGS)) and positive thoughts to you Nicole!! Sounds like you are going through some tough things...I am here for you if you need to talk! Call me, FB me, PM me, whatever!! Good luck with the audit too!! I would be suspect about the ex-husband coming around after all this time...alterior motive??

Trish, sending healing and positive thoughts out to you!!

This is gonna sound  weird , but I am glad to be back at work!! Had a stressful day yesterday. Dee had her friend over for a sleepover, which is no big deal since I love this girl like she was my own! Then the little girl from next door comes over and the three of them are in my house. I was trying to get stuff done, but at every pass the girls were in the way! Then they went upstairs for about an hour, then they wanted lunch(with specific orders)! WTF?? Then after lunch they go next door to play and I tell Dee to take her cell phone. Well, I get a call from her friend about an hour later that she lost her phone! WHAT??? I spent $70 on that thing!!!! We looked all through the house, no phone! Dee tells me that she thinks she flushed it down the toilet....WHAT?? How the HELL do you do that?? Sometimes I REALLY wonder about her!! Of course the neighbors are saying there is no possible way that it could have been flushed down the toilet...

I meant to look on the lawn this morning and forgot to...by the end of the day I was a stressed out mess! I could barely eat dinner my stomach was in knots!!! Anyway, the trials and tribulations of being a parent!?!?

Today is wor****il 3:30, then a walk with my walking buddy. Then home to make dinner, homework, bath and bed!

Have a great day!
Love to all, Beth

Okay, coming at this from a 12-step perspective here, so take what you like, and leave the rest.  He's trying to take YOUR inventory in order to avoid his own issues.  You might want to try the old broken record routine (this worked on my kids a lot).  "I'm sorry you are struggling, but this is about you, not about me."  Rinse, repeat as necessary.

Also, I use a sort of formula in my head in order to stop resentments in their tracks, because I KNOW resentments lead me back into my addictions.

"Dear God. I know that Jason has his own issues.  None of us our perfect.  Please help me to forgive him and remove this resentment from me."  Again, repeat as necessary.

Oh, and by the way, no one HAS to white knuckle it through addiction withdrawal.  They can choose to work a program, get medication, avail themselves of counseling, etc. 

Good grief, and then you have to deal with audits, exes and sisters?  BREATHE.  Remember what is yours to own, and what is not.  Keep sharing your feelings here and in real life with people who you trust.

As for my day, I am battling a cold, leading OA tonight, and swearing not to drink, eat sugar or a corn chip, or take a drug not prescribed to me, just for today.

 Morning all.. Nicole, we know how much Jason loves you and how difficult this must be for him.  I'm sure once he gets past the initial withdrawal, things will get better.  He will be so much happier once his lungs clear up and he sees the difference in how he feels.  As far as your EX and your sister, don't do it.  You have enough going on.  You don't need to add anything else.  

Trish, quick healing.. 

Everyone else.. here's to a great week! Or at least a better week.  Things here are about the same, one step forward, two steps back.. Siehara got a hold of my laptop and did not let the fact that the router was unplugged AND I had the cord with me, stop her from getting online.  One of my neighbors has an unsecured network.  I need to figure out how to remove that wifi from showing.  She is way too smart for her own good and for my sanity.    Neil talked to her and she said that she is getting bullied at school and the internet is her escape.  I get that, but we have to figure out other ways for her to escape and I will also make sure that her teachers/school psych know about the bullying.  

She has therapy tonight so I am going to bring her a copy of the transcripts I have from the keylogger on the computer.  I'm also going to bring a note Siehara wrote to me in which she said that she was sleeping on her floor with the window open, no electric and no blanket, so she can get used to "sleeping outside" in case we lose our apartment if I have to quit Dress Barn.  OYE, she knows how to lay on the guilt.  BUT, I did NOT react to it like that.  We had already talked about the second job and I told her that once I get past the change in payroll issue that Aetna will be implementing at the beginning of March, I will do what I can to get my hours reduced and still have enough money for us to keep our apartment.  

I am struggling, but not nearly as bad as I was.  Plus, I have been putting money away.  I will be ok with a reduction in hours.  She also thinks that I am trying to get rid of her and that is why I am trying to send her for the whole summer to camp.  I explained to her that I want HER to have the great experience, not that I am trying to get rid of her.  I am going to cut back on my social time out of the house.  I think I have been getting back into going out too much.  I will also make sure that when we are home together, we are doing something together.  We have lots of games and girly stuff we can do together.  It's time for me to get off my lazy ass and do them.  

SO, today has me working one job and taking her to therapy.  Then, we will do something together at home.