The Kristi Talk
I had a 2 hour lunch with stepdaughter Kristi today - as I mentioned in roll call.
Just to clarify - Kristi is not legally divorced and neither is her boyfriend. They have lived together for about a year, with Kristi's 4 children (grades K, 2, 5, and 7) there pretty much full time. Ken (the bf - and there should be a better term to use than that!) has been a wonderful guy, great with the kids, and helped Kristi through a very challenging separation.
The "no divorce - yet" situation is driven by health insurance - Kristi remains on her husband's insurance, and Ken's wife remains on his. Or, ostensibly, this is the reason.
I did a lot of listening today as Kristi described her situation. The issues boil down to:
1. Ken supports his adult daughter who has only a part time job and lives with her mom and boyfriend (her own bf, not mom's). With the house payment, a monthly payment to his wife for expenses, and money for the daughter this is a substantial outlay of cash.
2. Although Ken and his wife have openly discussed finalizing a divorce, they have always pulled back after seeing their respective attorneys.
3. Kristi is truly invested in the relationship and they talk about marriage - but Ken shys away from the conversation about making it really happen.
My suggestions were:
1. Ken's pattern of supporting his daughter is not likely to change. It is long established and she should not choose that battle. LIke it or not....and realize that things may unfold on their own in this regard.
2. With them coming up on a year of living together, she has an opportunity to discuss how things are going in the relationship and assess where they want it to go. She DOES have a right to express her feelings (which she doubted, because he has already done so much for them).
3. Not communicating about this important issue is like the "elephant in the room" - and the lack of communication will NOT help their relationship in the long run.
4. No ultimatums. Just check on what is working well and what direction the relationship will go. THen ask herself if she can/is willing to live with that direction.
5. If Ken were to leave, Kristi can manage financially where she is with some support from the kids' dad and a job (she is a trained dental assistant but is not working right now due to kids' needs.)
6. There is clearly still some kind of connection to the wife (loyalty? comfort level? fear of alienating his kids?) and Kristi is struggling with where Ken's loyalties lie. She wants to trust their relationship more fully.
I am honestly deeply happy inside that Kristi came to me for womanly/motherly advice. We are good friends but I have not had to "mother" her or any of Mike's kids very much....but have had these occasional moments that they really do value my opinion on some things from time to time. This is probably the biggest example from any of the kids in quite some time.
THanks for your good wishes in roll call this morning. Your good thoughts helped!
Just to clarify - Kristi is not legally divorced and neither is her boyfriend. They have lived together for about a year, with Kristi's 4 children (grades K, 2, 5, and 7) there pretty much full time. Ken (the bf - and there should be a better term to use than that!) has been a wonderful guy, great with the kids, and helped Kristi through a very challenging separation.
The "no divorce - yet" situation is driven by health insurance - Kristi remains on her husband's insurance, and Ken's wife remains on his. Or, ostensibly, this is the reason.
I did a lot of listening today as Kristi described her situation. The issues boil down to:
1. Ken supports his adult daughter who has only a part time job and lives with her mom and boyfriend (her own bf, not mom's). With the house payment, a monthly payment to his wife for expenses, and money for the daughter this is a substantial outlay of cash.
2. Although Ken and his wife have openly discussed finalizing a divorce, they have always pulled back after seeing their respective attorneys.
3. Kristi is truly invested in the relationship and they talk about marriage - but Ken shys away from the conversation about making it really happen.
My suggestions were:
1. Ken's pattern of supporting his daughter is not likely to change. It is long established and she should not choose that battle. LIke it or not....and realize that things may unfold on their own in this regard.
2. With them coming up on a year of living together, she has an opportunity to discuss how things are going in the relationship and assess where they want it to go. She DOES have a right to express her feelings (which she doubted, because he has already done so much for them).
3. Not communicating about this important issue is like the "elephant in the room" - and the lack of communication will NOT help their relationship in the long run.
4. No ultimatums. Just check on what is working well and what direction the relationship will go. THen ask herself if she can/is willing to live with that direction.
5. If Ken were to leave, Kristi can manage financially where she is with some support from the kids' dad and a job (she is a trained dental assistant but is not working right now due to kids' needs.)
6. There is clearly still some kind of connection to the wife (loyalty? comfort level? fear of alienating his kids?) and Kristi is struggling with where Ken's loyalties lie. She wants to trust their relationship more fully.
I am honestly deeply happy inside that Kristi came to me for womanly/motherly advice. We are good friends but I have not had to "mother" her or any of Mike's kids very much....but have had these occasional moments that they really do value my opinion on some things from time to time. This is probably the biggest example from any of the kids in quite some time.
THanks for your good wishes in roll call this morning. Your good thoughts helped!
Lynn,
Glad that the talk went so well! Seems like she was very receptive to it! Which is ALWAYS a plus!!
Hope all goes well in the future however it works itself out!!
Beth
Glad that the talk went so well! Seems like she was very receptive to it! Which is ALWAYS a plus!!
Hope all goes well in the future however it works itself out!!
Beth
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Lynn
Everything you said is right on the money and it sounds like she just needed some validation that she is entitled to discuss her feelings that they may not come to an agreement to agree on it all, but her feelings are important. The reason my relationship works, for now, is just what you told her and my guy treats me very well too, but he also knows that one day that may not be enough for me. . . assessments and honest communications are very good things. . . Glad you came away with a good feeling about being asked for advice. . . that certainly has to feel good.
Hugs, Laureen
Everything you said is right on the money and it sounds like she just needed some validation that she is entitled to discuss her feelings that they may not come to an agreement to agree on it all, but her feelings are important. The reason my relationship works, for now, is just what you told her and my guy treats me very well too, but he also knows that one day that may not be enough for me. . . assessments and honest communications are very good things. . . Glad you came away with a good feeling about being asked for advice. . . that certainly has to feel good.
Hugs, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Lynn,
It sounds like you gave some sound advice to Kristi, and it also sounds like you are a good step-mom.
Hugs,
Trish
It sounds like you gave some sound advice to Kristi, and it also sounds like you are a good step-mom.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
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