XPOST finding balance

Okay friends.. most of you know the story of my life because I am free to share everything with you all.  I will give a bit of background for those of you who don't know me as well.

 I am 2 years post RNY and am doing fabulous! I have lost 75 lbs and have a new love of life and my new body. I am a single mother of a 12 year old girl. It is just me. She has no contact with her father or really any other family member. Her paternal grandmother has nothing to do with her and her paternal grandfather has passed away. Her maternal grandparents are both gone, as well. 
Here is the question.. how do I balance my new social life with spending time with my daughter. I stay home most of the time during the week, but want to have a social life on the weekends. I have to find people for her to stay with and I know that sometimes gets old to her. There are weeks at a time that I don't go out on the weekends, but then there are times when I have plans many weekends in a row. 

I was on the phone with a friend of mine (David) this morning (who is happily married, with 3 kids and a great parent).  We started to talk about my being gone so much and he "lovingly" ripped me a new one. He also said that when I get dressed up and show off my new body it gives her more body issues than she ever had because she knows I lost a lot of weight and she is still struggling with her body image b/c she is overweight. 

He said that her acting out in school and at home is her way of letting me know that what I'm doing is not ok.. How the hell do I find the balance? I want to have a life, too. BUT, I don't want it to affect hers. This is so friggin' hard. Why do I have to be doing this alone??????? And yes, I know I have my friends, but none of you live here.

Lisa,
 i understand how you are feeling. being a parent is hard and unrewarding at times. i have three adult kids and still feel i could have been a better parent.
 this is also a hard time for you daughter, she is still a child and at the same time turning into an adult. she is pushing the boundaries and your patients. but if you can weather this you will both be fine.  I'm sure she may be feeling a little left out and jealous of any other person who takes up time in your life. i would suggest maybe you start the dates during the day,with her, then drop her off and finish up as a couple.

Lisa,

I am not a single parent but I really admire you for what you do!! As parents, we put our childs needs before ours. This leads to resentment and a feeling of missing out on life. Yes, we want time with our children, but adult time is important too!! It is difficult to find that balance. There is no getting around that!! Our kids need to know that as adults we want to have fun and be with our friends just like they want to be with their friends. Just because we are parents, doesn't mean that our lives have to end. Do you think Siehara is feeling that you don't want to spend time with her? Is that why she is acting out?? I am sure the body image thing is also an issue. Being Siehara's age and being overweight is hard!! I remember being that way when I was her age and it was not fun! I couldn't wear the "cool" clothes and didn't have boyfriends like my other skinnier friends did. Also, being teased constantly about it by schoolmates and neighbors!! No wonder I am so screwed up?!?

I am sure that you reassure Siehara about how much you love her and want to spend time with her. But, she needs to understand that you need a break once in awhile too!! Being a mom is HARD work and being a single parent is DOUBLY hard. Kids don't realize how difficult it is to be a parent!!

Yes, you do have your friends and no we don't live near you. The only way to change that is if you move closer to US!! I know it is not something that you can do right away, but I know you are considering it. We are here for you and I am glad that you posted about this...

Love, Beth

Boy, that was a hot button issue with my daughter and I didn't even have a new body back then.  She felt slighted at me doing anything that did not involve her.  I have absolutely no advice, everything I did was wrong.  I worked three jobs most of her life so she could have nice things and then when I was home I was too exhausted to do anything with her.

Oh boy, do I hear you.  Our family went through a lot of changes after my surgery.  I got divorced, met someone, moved us all in with him, became alcoholic...  and dragged my poor kids through it all.  Crazy, but I wouldn't have done anything differently looking back.  It took what it took to get me to where I am now.  My youngest is 17, so she was 13 when I had the surgery, and she would have told you in that first year that I was completely unbalanced  and she felt utterly abandoned.

In my world, I WAS balanced.  I was balancing my new, fun, "pretty" life with my old, sad, miserable life.  I had tipped the scales all the way.

Learning to become balanced and achieving some sort of real balance took a couple more years for us.  As Amy expressed her unhappiness, I got her into therapy.  She was put on anti-depressants which helped.  We also talked about "perspective."  Her perception was that I spent NO time with her, but when we took an honest appraisal, we saw, we were going to movies together, having dinners together every night, going bowling, attending church functions together.  In other words, she needed to be reminded of the times we DID spend together.  This was more easily accomplished with a neutral party (her therapist).  This was also a good forum to express why I felt the need for a little more freedom at this time in my life.

The other things involved were her issues around weight, because I was her eating buddy, and when I was obese, she felt like I really understood how she felt.  I did, and still do, but, of course, after surgery, it changed for me.  We've come full circle there, and now attend OA together.

The final piece of this has been her ability to make and keep friends of her own, so that as she gets older, she has her own life and I am not her only "entertainment committee." 

It took us 4 years to achieve this balance.  It was a struggle at times with some misunderstandings, anger, resentments and hurt feelings along the way.  Then came amends, apologies, understanding and acceptance. 

You and your daughter will find your way.  We are all works in progress. 

Okay, that was way too much about me.  LOL.  My advice is make sure you spend specific times with you daughter -- make dates with her.  Remind her of the times you DO spend together.  Get her counseling if you think it will help her and if she is open to it.  The changes in our lives after surgery affect everyone around us and takes all kinds of adjusting!  Most of all, hang in there! 

Ahhhh balance. If you get this figured out, let the rest of the moms in the world know!

I was married when my kids were growing up but husband was not an actively involved parent or spouse due to mental and physical health issues. I was also working full time and took on 99% of the parenting duties (including all the discipline, etc.)

Most of my friendships centered on other moms who were invovled with the kids' activities or with our church. That made it easier to incorporate the kids into what I was doing. The evenings for "girls nights" were few and VERY far between....like....almost never. So when you ask about balance for a single working mom....the bold faced truth is that the balance is NEVER tipped in mom's favor. I believe this to be true. I know that for me, friendships were the thing that fell off the table for a good while. Kids zap your energy and take 110% of your focus most of the time. Nature of the beast. Take comfort in knowing that it's happening to the moms of virtually every one of Siehara's classmates, too.

Now this does NOT mean that mom gets NO time. You just have to select your activities carefully, schedule them,  and be grateful for when spontaneous moments arise. I went too far in NOT allowing time for myself - no exercise for years is a good example of this. There are MANY other examples including some that I am not proud of.

Adolescents push boundaries. They will - it's their job. Developmentally the early adolescent is a lot like a toddler - I have a very cool comparison of developmental needs and will dig it out and post it when I find it! And the very difficult part is that at Siehara's age, you don't know if she is going through the worst of it....or just in the warm up phase for later. My daughter's crisis point came at 13 or 14. For my son, it was later and worse.

A few thoughts:
Is Siehara feeling that she is "in the way" of your social life during these busier times?
Is she feeling "farmed out" to various friends who watch her on the evenings you go out?
Is she feeling that her emerging body is inferior? Whether she compares herself to you is another question.
Where is she finding her areas of strength/worth/value these days?

Among my favorite "truisms" about working with teenagers is the one that says "Kids need love the most when they 'deserve' it the least." As she has been testing a lot recently, her behavior may be saying things that she is not comfortable/able to say in words - that she needs you in a more focused or different way. Behavior does have a communication function, so there is something there. And each person's behavior does impact the others in the household - which she may not quite understand yet.

You have a great opportunity for a teachable moment here that goes beyond the punishment for the school issue. THe lesson is one of moral clarity - that as human beings, we have a responsibility to treat others with kindness and not with impulsive lashing out.  That we need to stand up for and protect ourselves and each other in this world. The homework issue can teach a lesson that as members of a family and community, we are all expected to work hard and do our best. That's pretty much it. Be kind. Work hard. Stay safe. Do your best.

How is her reward chart coming along by the way?

This is a huge ramble and I apologize for wandering off topic...just got carried away.  No easy answers.

{{hugs}} Lynn



 

He's full of ****!  You deserve and NEED to have your own life as well.  The balance is so YOU don't lose your mind.  We as parents require our own time away from our children to be well, non-parents.  We need to recharge our batteries too.  I have a wife and a partner to share the responsibilities with, but when we go out, we both go out.  One of us doesn't stay home to make sure our kids have a parent in the house.  Not necessary.  Our kids, will at times give us some flack for going out but honestly, they will get over it.  Our parents went out right?

We earn our kids love and trust every single day for all of things we do with and for them every single day...not just on the weekends!  The parent/child relationship isn't so tremulous that it will shatter if we go out with our friends on the weekend.  She is not acting out because you aren't home sometimes.  And as far as you causing her more self esteem/body issues because you dress up and she can see that you look good.....give me a break!  Seriously?  If anything I think you are demonstrating what sacrifice and hard work can do.  You are more of an inspiration to her for looking good!  What, are you supposed to be 300 pounds so she can be skinnier than you and feel good about herself?  Has any fat person in your life ever inspired you just because you were smaller than them?  If anything I was always enabled by the overweight people in my life.  You lead by example as a parent.  What message do you want to send your daughter?  Send her the message that you find value in friendships and relationships with other people.  Check!!!  Send her the message that eating right and exercising are important.  Check!!! 

Lisa, unless you are a total fraud and post bull**** on this board I can tell from your posts and our conversations that you are a mother who works very hard at giving her daughter all she can.  You go to the ends of the earth to help her with her problems and look for innovative ways to enable her to succeed.  Stop doubting yourself!

Love Swede!

I second Swede!
Lisa, you are a loving wonderful Mom.
You deserve a life also.  Do  not feel guilty and do not doubt yourself.
You Rock!

Sara

lisa balance is hard but what I think is this.
Since you are a single mom she needs more of you there is no other parent to balance things out. This is unfair to you both, but when it comes right down to it, she is a kid and she has no power over it. So she should trump other things always.

I would look at the month of weekends and if you are going out more than you are home with her then you are out of balance. Put yourself in her shoes how often would you want to be put somewhere not at home in your comfort zone per month?? Talk to her, ask her what she can live with?? And compromise? It sucks you will have to miss things you want to do. I know it sucks even more because now you have this new body and life, but being a mom always comes first. That is why I am too chicken **** to do it.

I wish that i could help more. But i do disagree that you should not show her that you are excited and proud of your new body, it is ok that she sees that,

Hi Lisa,

I agree with Swede.  You are a GREAT mom.  Does she realize what you have already sacrificed for her?! The fact that you are able to work at home so she isn't going home to an empty house is a big deal!  I don't have a whole lot of advise either.  I've been married for 30 years to a wonderful man who worked opposite shifts I did when our kids where young so that we were not spending a small fortune on day care.  All I can say is make plans one weekend out of the month that is just for the two of you.  Even if you just stay at home and watch movies, do each others nails, whatever, to spend some time one on one with her all weekend.  Are there any activities she likes that you can do with her?  Ride bikes at a local park?  It's that time of year to spend more time outside.  Kick a soccer ball around.  Play frisbee.  Show her that exercise can be a lot of fun.  Your already teaching her the right eating habits. 

Good luck my friend.

Hugs to you.

Cyd