gotta love having a pre-teen

Lisa,

   I am not a parent so I can not begin to imagine what you are feeling but it sounds like you are taking the proper steps to in taking the social media away froom her. She has abused it so now must earn it back in time. You hear so many horror stories that parents are clueless to the childs online world. You are up on things why she may be resentful now in time she will understand.

  I think that the Kids Peace maybe a good place for her because there is something going on that makes her feel that the suggestive talk will make her accepted in some way.

Sendin you both love, peace and strength that you both find answers.

I know ALL TOO WELL what you're going through! My oldest befriended another local teenageer that I had heard was bad news...found out she...yes SHE...was a convicted pedophile. over 18. preyed on young girls.

My kid thought she was harmless...another teenage girl. had been a cheerleader. they had something in common. blah. blah. blah.

I read some of the texts from her (the bad girl) and thought my head would explode!!!!!! She (my daughter) lost privileges (read...her life) for about 6 months. no phone, no computer, no facebook, no friends over, no going to friends, no nothing. I told her "you're not grounded." she said, "NO????" I answered, "you just have a whole new way of living. get used to it." After 6 months, she really seemed to get the magnitude of what she had gotten into.

We got the police involved. We had a sting op in our house. The pedophile didn't fall for it. But she was stupid enough to keep up her antics and was caught and subsequently placed in prison. justice prevailed.  She's still there now.

You are doing all the right things in my opinion. Block everything, give nothing. Trust needs to be earned and they need to learn how to earn it. Keep up the good work. It's hard - I KNOW!!!!

Hey there - can't even imagine what it is like raising a kid by yourself....you are amazing!  My experience is with Josh - who has since become more clever and these kids find ways to get things over on us - plus he is almost 16 - so, although I am still monitoring and will continue to do so until I stop paying his bills, it is a bit different.  As for Molly, as far as I am aware - and that might just be MY stupidity and naivete - She is not there yet - although I do check her texts quite often.  I think I told you the rule in my house before - no faceboo****il they are 13.  Molly is already planning her page for the moment she gets home from her Bat Mitzvah.  But, rest assured - I will be all over THAT page almost as often as I am on mine.  I also read Joshua's from time to time and although I am NOT surprised with some of the things that are in there, it can be VERY explicit.  I don't know how to explain to them any more that what I have done that what they write on the computer is there forever - I don't care how often it is deleted - something I am also learning myself! 

I think the idea of tough love is a good one here - although in the end it is more a punishment for you then them - but the NO COMPUTER, NO PHONE, NO TECHNOLOGY idea is a good one.  Josh will fight me on it - but he does understand where it is coming from.  He will then of course ***** about me to his friends, but thats ok - THEY like me! :)  As for Molly with her disability - it is a little different - when I giver her a consequence, she takes it maturely - which to me means that I feel she has NO IDEA what she did to deserve it - just another symptom.  I like the idea of nothing for an extended period of time - not a week or two - months might be what she needs.  The phone is a bit different because she needs it to get in touch with you - however, maybe taking the texting away might be a good idea.  I know it is easier to type some things than it is to say them.

Good luck and I am interested in hearing what transpires over the next few weeks.  love you! :)

Lisa,

You've already gotten great advice from others, so I won't repeat it.  Just know that I admire you for the incredibly great job you're doing as a parent and that Siehara will (someday) thank you for it when she turns out to be a wonderful and mature and SAFE young woman.  Take the texting away - it's too easy to text something that it's embarassing or difficult to say voice-to-voice.  It promotes maturity if you have to say something to someone rather than writing it.... also makes you think before you speak.

I would also have changed the password on her FB account and reported the contact to the authorities to investigate it.  After all, how do you know the guy really is between 16 and 20 and lives in FL?  Don't give him a chance to run.  Even if he thought she was 14, she's still jailbait.

Hugs, dear!

Karen

I have to run..........but will send you an email!

So sorry about this but you will figure out the right thing.

Bottom Line..........TOUGH LOVE!

Be in contact soon! <3

Lisa;
Gene works with a lot of kids that just sit and stare at him for an hour for weeks some for months.  He allows them that time to just sit.  He says its the best way to have a breakthrough with them.  He has one kid that for months just sat and would get angry, and want to leave.  A few weeks ago, they had a breakthrough.  By the end of the session the kids was walking out the door proud as a pea**** saying to Gene are you proud of me I talked today.  Gene said he could not have been prouder of this kid for finally getting over one of those walls to be able to talk to him,  Kids do have hard time talking, when they have a good therapist that understands this and goes with the flow amazing things can come out of it.  Now this kid doesn't stop talking from the moment he walks into the office and is disapointed when time is up.

Your a great mom.  We all go through this with our kids.  My youngest was the one I thought would be the death of me, she turned out fine.  There were days I had to play dectective and track her down, take the phone off her, this was all pre-cell phone and computer days.  She is so different from her teens and early 20's, every so often I knock on her forehead and ask where she hid my child :-)  Now she thanks me for being a pain in her arse during those years and keeping her straight :-)

Ida

Thank you all for being here for me.  It is SOOOOO hard doing this alone.. Well, not totally alone.  I have all of you to help me.

Right now I have her phone.  I changed the password on her FB acct and deactivated it.  I had to change the password b/c she could just go in and reactivate it by putting in her old password.  This way she cannot try to get on at anyone else's house. 

I also changed the password on the laptop and the computer, just in case. 

I did text the guy a few times from her phoneacting like I was her telling him that my mom saw the texts and I got in trouble.  He told "me" that he would stop talking to "me" b/c he didn't want "me" to get in more trouble.   At least he has some sense..

Another thing I did was contact her old therapist from KidsPeace to see if she could see her again.  The only time she has available is Tuesdays at 5:00.  So, I talked to the rabbi and her teacher and explained the situation. (I only told them that she was having issues and needed to go back into counseling) They are ok with her only being there on Thursdays or whenever she doesn't have therapy.   Thank goodness they are being so understanding. 

I am still not sure how exactly I'm going to handle everything, but at least I got the ball rolling in the right direction.  We start back to therapy on 1/25.

Lisa,
I saw your post but did not get a chance to respond. I don't know what to say except keep doing what you are doing. I have a daughter and not looking forward to her challenging my authority. I just wanted to send you cyberhugs and wanted to let you know that in hindsight she will thank you one day.

Thanks Shilpa.. hugs are definitely needed!

My brother put a keyboard tracker on their computer - it logs all keystrokes so that they could read what my then 14 year old niece typed.  It was one of the best and worst things for them - they saw what she was saying to her boyfriend - at least they were able to get ahead of it, but it was the worst because my brother said that she used more explicit language than his wife had ever used with him. 

You are doing the right thing - hold your guns - the exposure and access is far more than we ever had.