I need prayer/good thoughts/support/advice/HELP
I've got a couple of things going on in my life and in my head. Sorry if this is long. Thank you to those *****ad it.
1. My daughter, Sheila, age 18. She had another major meltdown last night. There are cuts all up and down her arms. She says she thinks about suicide every night. Last night she said she doesn't want to wake up this morning. She called her psychiatrist late last night who suggested I give her something to calm her down, like Ativan or Xanax. Why on earth would a doctor assume I would have that sort of medication in my home? Anyway, I don't. But, I remembered that Bill sometimes takes Valium for his headaches, so I asked the doctor if that was okay. She said yes and Bill said it was okay, so I gave Sheila one. I had to call out of work today because I have to take her to the doctor's office in NJ this morning.
She said she's been taking her anti-depressant (but not the other 2 meds the psych had prescribed, grrrrr). I'll talk to the doctor and try to get it all straightened out -- what she's supposed to take, how much and when. I'll have to get more involved in her care, I think. And just when I was starting to let go a little.
I know it could be worse. My son actually did attempt suicide at Sheila's age. That was not fun AT ALL. I offered to let Sheila sleep with me last night, but she wanted to cuddle with her cat in her room instead. Prayers appreciated for the next right step for her, by her, her doctors, and me.
2. My freakin' head!!! I went to my therapist last night, armed with diet books, diet support phone numbers, menu plans, a schedule of diet support groups and fierce determination. It took all of 2 minutes to realize I have shifted my addiction right back to food (which is where my long history of addiction begins actually). Oh, for crying out loud!!! It's always all or nothing with me. I can't find balance. It's always extremes. I am always thinking obsessively.
Her advice was to get back into AA, as I've only been making one meeting a week. She asked if I had actually worked the 12 steps, and, as usual, I am working an 11-step program. I work 11 steps; feel better; help no one. Maybe it's the piece I've always been missing. She points out that 5 months sober (today, mind you) is still considered "early recovery".
And as I went to bed last night, I was so upset about Sheila. I feel powerless, helpless, and afraid. I tried to pray and couldn't keep my mind in the game. I thought of drinking. Nope, not an option. I thought of a Tastycake. Nope, not an option. Well, then, how the heck am I supposed to cope???? I used alcohol and food to get through the rough spots all my life. I have no idea how to do life without abusing/using those things. And I fall asleep, and dream.... of a glass of wine and a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
I'm still sick. I need AA. I need you people. I need prayer.
1. My daughter, Sheila, age 18. She had another major meltdown last night. There are cuts all up and down her arms. She says she thinks about suicide every night. Last night she said she doesn't want to wake up this morning. She called her psychiatrist late last night who suggested I give her something to calm her down, like Ativan or Xanax. Why on earth would a doctor assume I would have that sort of medication in my home? Anyway, I don't. But, I remembered that Bill sometimes takes Valium for his headaches, so I asked the doctor if that was okay. She said yes and Bill said it was okay, so I gave Sheila one. I had to call out of work today because I have to take her to the doctor's office in NJ this morning.
She said she's been taking her anti-depressant (but not the other 2 meds the psych had prescribed, grrrrr). I'll talk to the doctor and try to get it all straightened out -- what she's supposed to take, how much and when. I'll have to get more involved in her care, I think. And just when I was starting to let go a little.
I know it could be worse. My son actually did attempt suicide at Sheila's age. That was not fun AT ALL. I offered to let Sheila sleep with me last night, but she wanted to cuddle with her cat in her room instead. Prayers appreciated for the next right step for her, by her, her doctors, and me.
2. My freakin' head!!! I went to my therapist last night, armed with diet books, diet support phone numbers, menu plans, a schedule of diet support groups and fierce determination. It took all of 2 minutes to realize I have shifted my addiction right back to food (which is where my long history of addiction begins actually). Oh, for crying out loud!!! It's always all or nothing with me. I can't find balance. It's always extremes. I am always thinking obsessively.
Her advice was to get back into AA, as I've only been making one meeting a week. She asked if I had actually worked the 12 steps, and, as usual, I am working an 11-step program. I work 11 steps; feel better; help no one. Maybe it's the piece I've always been missing. She points out that 5 months sober (today, mind you) is still considered "early recovery".
And as I went to bed last night, I was so upset about Sheila. I feel powerless, helpless, and afraid. I tried to pray and couldn't keep my mind in the game. I thought of drinking. Nope, not an option. I thought of a Tastycake. Nope, not an option. Well, then, how the heck am I supposed to cope???? I used alcohol and food to get through the rough spots all my life. I have no idea how to do life without abusing/using those things. And I fall asleep, and dream.... of a glass of wine and a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
I'm still sick. I need AA. I need you people. I need prayer.
Blessings, Jill
WLS 5/31/07. Maintaining a weight loss of 141 pounds and feeling amazing!
Holy crap Jill! Ok, so here is my advice for you. You seem like you are in a hurricane of emotions and thoughts. You don't know which way to turn or what to do. You want to rely on physical things (alcohol,food) to help guide you through this tumultuous time. You really need to ground yourself. Take a step back and really take a look at things. You have been down this road before and YOU have navigated it successfully. Rely on your past experiences and successes to guide you through these. You made it through it all when your son had his problems, and I know you must have been successful in dealing with your food issues before. You already know how to do this because you've done it before. It wont be easy but nothing i life worth having is! You have the insight and strength to do it. Trust in yourself.
Swede
Swede
HW=400 SW=383 CW=252 GW=240
Pounds to go=12!!! Pounds Lost =148
5 months sober may be considered 'early recovery' but you should still be proud of yourself for getitng this far thru such difficult and trying times - hold onto the positive things where you can.
Your daughter obviously needs professional help and you recognize that so you are taking the right steps in getting her that help. That's a good step in the right direction.
As for the diet books and those types of things I'm thinking that is not the road to go down right now, as it may just lead to old habits that you had pre-op that never worked. I'm certainly no therapist or professional when it comes to this stuff, but let's face it - it didn't work in the past and it probably won't work now. You have the best TOOL in the world - it is still with you - you just have to reacquaint yourself with it and how it works. Maybe the 5 day pouch test would help cleanse your system and your mind - give you something to concentrate on other than alcohol or Tastycakes?
Sending many, many prayers your way for strength and encouragement, and to your daughter to help her through these very difficult times where she feels she can't cope as well.
Your daughter obviously needs professional help and you recognize that so you are taking the right steps in getting her that help. That's a good step in the right direction.
As for the diet books and those types of things I'm thinking that is not the road to go down right now, as it may just lead to old habits that you had pre-op that never worked. I'm certainly no therapist or professional when it comes to this stuff, but let's face it - it didn't work in the past and it probably won't work now. You have the best TOOL in the world - it is still with you - you just have to reacquaint yourself with it and how it works. Maybe the 5 day pouch test would help cleanse your system and your mind - give you something to concentrate on other than alcohol or Tastycakes?
Sending many, many prayers your way for strength and encouragement, and to your daughter to help her through these very difficult times where she feels she can't cope as well.
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Something you said made such an impression on me! I DO have the best tool in the world. I'm not going to do the 5-day pouch test only because I still know my tool works. I just really fell into the old diet mentality again. How easy it was to do that! And you are absolutely 100% correct that it didn't work in the past, and probably won't work now. Some time this week I'll pull out my Barix bible and review. In the meantime, I'm back to eating 6 small meals, no grazing, no white flour or sugar, as those things tend to set me off.
Blessings, Jill
WLS 5/31/07. Maintaining a weight loss of 141 pounds and feeling amazing!
Good for you!! I've contemplated the 5DPT myself but haven't done it yet - I know its worked for some. I keep my Barix bible close at hand, and my positive affirmations that I wrote in the beginning when everything was so new and exciting - it really helps get me motivated or keep me motivated. And when I'm really feeling 'down' I look at my before and after pictures - wow, what a wake-up call!!
You're going to do great - its just going to take some time because you're dealing with so much, but you know we're always here for you...
You're going to do great - its just going to take some time because you're dealing with so much, but you know we're always here for you...
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Jill,
Your daughter needs you to help get her on track, but you must also keep yourself there. . . You know my story well as it is no secret. . . I did not get this far by making one meeting a week. . . when I got sober, the suggestions were this. . .
Make 90 meetings in 90 days, if 90 seems like a lot, then plan one meeting into each day and the 90 will take care of itself. . . I did not miss a meeting, unless I was very ill, until I had 3+ years. . .
Get a sponsor who can guide you through the steps
Get a homegroup and get involved, service keeps us on a path of getting out of our own way
Get phone numbers and dial them, don't file them. . .
My sponsor suggested calling someone new each day, it was not easy, felt strange that anyone would want to talk to me, but I developed relationships that still exist in my life all these years later. You can simply start with, hey I taking a suggestion here and am practicing humility and reaching out, as a way to break the ice. . .
Raise your hand in each meeting you go to, even if it is just to reiterate why you are there, by acknowledging you have a common denominator with everyone else in that room. . .
Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful. . . I liken it to the Lioness who will wait for hours patiently for her next meal. . . don't let yourself be vulnerable, I can tell you that the truth is, it really does work, but you have to work it. . .
I am here for you anytime you want me.
Hugs, Laureen
Your daughter needs you to help get her on track, but you must also keep yourself there. . . You know my story well as it is no secret. . . I did not get this far by making one meeting a week. . . when I got sober, the suggestions were this. . .
Make 90 meetings in 90 days, if 90 seems like a lot, then plan one meeting into each day and the 90 will take care of itself. . . I did not miss a meeting, unless I was very ill, until I had 3+ years. . .
Get a sponsor who can guide you through the steps
Get a homegroup and get involved, service keeps us on a path of getting out of our own way
Get phone numbers and dial them, don't file them. . .
My sponsor suggested calling someone new each day, it was not easy, felt strange that anyone would want to talk to me, but I developed relationships that still exist in my life all these years later. You can simply start with, hey I taking a suggestion here and am practicing humility and reaching out, as a way to break the ice. . .
Raise your hand in each meeting you go to, even if it is just to reiterate why you are there, by acknowledging you have a common denominator with everyone else in that room. . .
Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful. . . I liken it to the Lioness who will wait for hours patiently for her next meal. . . don't let yourself be vulnerable, I can tell you that the truth is, it really does work, but you have to work it. . .
I am here for you anytime you want me.
Hugs, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Thank you for your suggestions. I don't know why I have such a hard time using my phone! I've decided to call one person from AA any day I do not make a meeting.
I went to a meeting last night and heard some wonderful things. I also spoke to someone after the meeting who had another great suggestion for me.
I made 90 meetings in 90 days and then got a little lost. I went right back to putting everyone else's needs (kids') ahead of mine, and went to meetings only when it was convenient for everyone. Instead of making the meetings a priority, I tried to fit them into my schedule. Not okay. I have decided to pick 4 meetings a week that I will be committed to making, and I will let NOTHING get in my way -- just the way I committed to those 90 in 90 and did it when I wanted to and when I didn't.
Thanks for being here.
I went to a meeting last night and heard some wonderful things. I also spoke to someone after the meeting who had another great suggestion for me.
I made 90 meetings in 90 days and then got a little lost. I went right back to putting everyone else's needs (kids') ahead of mine, and went to meetings only when it was convenient for everyone. Instead of making the meetings a priority, I tried to fit them into my schedule. Not okay. I have decided to pick 4 meetings a week that I will be committed to making, and I will let NOTHING get in my way -- just the way I committed to those 90 in 90 and did it when I wanted to and when I didn't.
Thanks for being here.
Blessings, Jill
WLS 5/31/07. Maintaining a weight loss of 141 pounds and feeling amazing!
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