You've turned into such a *****

I was kind of taken aback when someone said that to me.  I guess maybe thats a strong word here but its what was said to me.  I was told that because I don't respond to things like I used to or get involved in things nor do I give opinions or advice that often anymore.  Gee I don't know what to tell you or Wow thats a shame or I am sorry that happened is my usual response and I find myself not getting so upset about things like I used to.  And I have said to my husband that he needs to worry about the homefront first and he kind of looks at me.  I am not saying that if someone reached out to me and needed my help I wouldn't but I just wonder where I went?  Have you seen me lately?  I mean I am there for support but George (hubby) tells me I mind my own business and he is not used to that.  Hmmm can't tell if thats a compliment or not?

I think that many of us prior to surgery were "people pleasers" who woudl go to great extremes to reach out to other people to try and get them to like us.  With the weight loss, we've re-gained some confidence and realized that there are many other things of importance than having everyone else "like" us... as a result, we can pull back a bit, make our choices about what to do or not do, and what to get involved in.  Many of us "grow a backbone" for the first time and learn how to say "no" to others' requests or demands when we need or want to. 

Some will insist that makes us "*****es."  To me, it makes us strong, confident women who are no longer doormats.

So good for you, Linda.  Rejoice in your strength.

Karen

yup Karen I guess I just wanted to be accepted so I got sucked into the drama and poo poo which was all my own doing and now I am channeling my energy into doing what I am most comfortable in my own skin and doing what I need to do.  I am taking care of me for once.  And I am remembering how people treated me not that I am holding any grudges I am just not going back for more.  Thanks for your feedback.  Good hearing from you take care.

I think I'm a lot more tolerant now that I'm not toting around that other person on my back all the time. I think it made me tired, cranky, short-tempered and very opinionated. I now find that I'm a lot more relaxed (most of the time! LOL) and I tend to stop and think before I spout stuff out now. I'm not sure what it was when I was so fluffy - a defense mechanism? Actually all of my emotions were 'all or nothing' back then - I was either the life of the party or a b*tch on wheels.

What I don't understand is why not giving opinions or advice would make you a b*tch now? To me it seems that you're much more comfortable in your own skin now and happy. Could just be the overall change in you that is going to take him some time to get used to.

To follow ones own heart can be a tough journey but in the end if you are not true to yourself the whole journey will feel empty. To express opinions or even to opt to not get involve with expressing your views to avoid stress can be taken many ways. Yet at the end of the day it is all about what makes you feel best. Let others talk  and call you whatever makes them feel good because they really don't like what they are so easier to take it out on others as being weak.

I agree with Kathy, before everyone called me a ***** now I'm a people pleaser.  Before I had no reason to go on, now my days are full of enjoyment.  So this is the time I feel to pay it forward.  Before I could care less, and everyone I met hated me tremendously. 

I agree with much of what has been expressed here and I've learned that unless I am invited, I do not offer my opinions and that unless I have experience, then I have nothing to offer in the way of advice on a subject.  In the past, I was a vitural know it all, mainly because I wanted to be well regarded by others, which I still do to some degree, but generally speaking, I give from my personal experiences and don't volunteer without making sure it is something I can do reasonably without taking away from what needs to be done for myself.  My children in particular have at times accused me of being more selfish(a *****) and if taking care of myself is that, than selfish (a *****) I am.

It's a recurrent theme.  And, oddly enough, a theme that part of my divorce is based on.  Brian does not like "who I have become. You ride the side of arrogance more time than not"  Granted, he's the ONLY one who thinks I'm arrogant.  And I realize I am more confident, and don't allow people to step on me.  I also try to stay out of other's drama, but if people need it, I'm the first one to help as best I can.  My new confidence has allowed me to explore areas in work I would have never done before...and that's an amazing feeling.

There is a fine line....standing up for yourself and not putting others down.  And sometimes (see Maura's post I believe last week) we need to remember where we came from and really reign it in and realize there is a right way and a wrong way to do things....but in general...carry on, lol!

Oh Pam believe me and I am not saying this in a bad light I will never forget where I was and where I am.  I personally try my darnest not to put anyone down which is why I keep my mouth shut alot.  Hard as it may be to believe.  I have read your posts and I never detected arrogance in your responses and appreciate you sharing your knowledge of things.  Brian seems like he is intimitated by how far Pam has come. And threatened.   What I am referring to for example is if I hear someone gossiping and they say to me what do you think I say I don't know this way they can't say I said this and that or if something goes wrong I can't be held liable for it.  I am talking about the bullcrap people do.  I can remember when I went thru my divorce many years ago it was one day at a time and my ex was one of those barefoot and pregnant and women should be seen and not heard.  Boy did he marry the wrong girl.

I wonder if the change of becoming a strong, capable, confident, assertive woman = "your such a *****" by those that are not used to seeing that from us...