Surgery caused me to lose my brother.

You know how when you have surgery you're always warned that someone in your life circle may resent you and/or the surgery you had...husband, wife, friends that get jealous...etc?

Turns out, I've lost my only sibling.

I had surgery in Dec. 2009. The night before Mother's Day 2010 he starts texting me these evil messages telling me to "never ever do that to me again"...and "if you do, I swear I'll never speak to you again". Ok, so, I figured it was that gay rumor I jokingly started about him back in high school. Turns out, he was talking about being late (by 45 minutes) to Mothers Day brunch LAST YEAR!!! Now, he's a golf pro at a country club that we were going to attend for the brunch. He NEVER even MENTIONED he was upset about it since May 2009 to the night before Mom Day 2010. He took my kids to golf league for 6 weeks, he spent the day with my youngest, he's been at almost every family function in between those dates and never showed an ounce of anger toward me. just out of the blue on a Saturday night while Im watching disney channel with the girls. right?! ok...so, I told him then that I was sorry that that embarassed him and i never meant to do that. My kids (all 4) were giving me grief getting ready and that's why we were late.

Now, he just missed our mom's bday and I texted him that I know he's mad at me, but, don't take it out on mom. send her a card. take her to lunch. He claimed he wasn't invited...I told him...neither was I! Frankly, if I sat around waiting for him to invite me to anything...I'd never go anywhere. He never calls our parents. DOn't know why. He's just "too busy".

So, I also knew that he was not working on her b.day and that he was golfing and that I knew our cousin told him about the party.

That went over like a lead balloon. I told him "BS - Tammy told you"...that set him off and he called me every swear word you can come up with. Told me I'm a selfish ***** that wants the world to cater to me and he won't do it. Told me I'm "retarded" since my surgery and that I need to learn respect for other people. and that all I've done is ***** at him for the last year.

Uuuuuh, I told him..."who was awake at 2am ready to come across town when your friend committed suicide? How have I "*****ed" at you in the last year? How would you know what I'm like since surgery? I've only been around you 4 days since then."

Seriously, Easter, to help move a couch, July 4th party (where I avoided him to avoid a scene at a family party) and Mother's day where he would NOT talk to me.

Okay, so the only part I think he thinks I'm being catered to is there was a sugar free sweet potato casserole at Easter dinner. That's all I got.

So, does anyone else have any experience with people abandoning them? This is my only sibling. He's lost his mind. He has said he wants nothing to do with his "crazy family". We wasted his time here when he could have been settled in nicely in Florida or Myrtle Beach. We've gotten along like best friends since college (20 years ago). He also didn't want me to have the surgery but, of course, I did and I've succeeded. He's ALWAYS been the center of attention and I've always been the fat one. smart. but, fat. He's always been physically fit and sports minded. not entirely smart. sorry. it's the truth. Jealousy?

If you're still reading. Thank you! I'm sad to have lost my brother over my surgery. but, I know the things he's saying aren't true. So, I can't really be upset about it.

I'm really sorry to hear that your brother is treating you this way and it sounds like there is more to it than just your weight loss - he may have some mental health issues that he's not dealing with, but maybe it's time for a 'Family Fast' as Nicole calls them - when you family is just getting to be too much to take step away from them and take a breather - give him some space - leave him alone for a while and see what happens.

Do NOT let your success and weight loss efforts be undermined by his issues - you've worked very hard to this and need to be proud of yourself and not worry about his feelings over it - you didn't do it for him or to him - you did it for yourself.

I hope he gets help if he needs it, and comes around to being the kind of brother you need, but if not it appears you've done all you can at this point - now you have to let him go for a while.

Take care - Kathy

I wouldn't necessarily chalik him up to lost, rather, on a shelf for a while until he gets through whatever he needs to work out.  One of my brothers has actually avoided me since surgery since my mom got sick and it got worse after my surgery. 

Two of my 3 brothers and my mother are all morbidly obese (HBP, Diabetes, Sleep Apnea).  My mother's condition has declined to a point where she is barely mobile and it is all weight related.  A bit too much reality caused him to recoil away from my mother and the majority of my mothers care fell on me.  Since I had the surgery, he avoids both of us.  We used to talk all the time, he never calls now, we used to email and chat on line - now, nothing. 

He is struggling himself with what he needs to do for his own health, but won't seek help.  I hope that in time it will change, but only time will tell.

When focus changes, jealousy sets in or who knows what other factor, people handle change differently.  Don't play his game.  Always be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing you did the right thing and hopefully he will get past whatever his issues are.

Hugs,

Maura

First, you need to really rethink how you're framing this.  Your surgery did NOT "cause" you to lose your brother.  It was merely one excuse among many that he's latched onto to push you away.

Your brother has issues, based on the way you have described his interactions with you.  It is not normal to wait a year and then confront someone about something as minor as being late to a brunch.  Nor is the other behavior you've described "normal."

Does he have anyone close to him in his life (partner, friend) who you could confidentially ask if he's ok?  To me it sounds like a mental health or possibly even an addiction issue.  (I'm no professional, just an unfortunately too-experienced lay person.)  Might be an enlightening conversation and point to a way to deal with the issue.

As for YOU... do not connect in your mind the drama with your brother with your WLS success.  It's too easy to fall into a trap of guilt or acquiescence - that somehow you are "responsible" or need to "apologize" for what you've done to offend him.  You need to focus clearly and completely on your own health and your own journey.  You cannot change others, you can only change your own reaction to them.  Tap into your inner strength and you will get through this.

Hugs to you,
Karen

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said...sounds like there's an underlying issue, or issues here...but I wish you thoughts hugs and prayers during all of this.....I've gone through similar things with my brother, and it's so incredibly difficult....

I thank everyone for all the great comments. I am very saddened by his behavior. I know I need to avoid him since he's very toxic right now. We've had such a good relationship for the last 20 years and this out of the blue behavior is so disheartening.

He just seems to want to fight and push me away. I have no other idea why. He says he'll move and never come back and my family will never see him again and that will be all my fault.

So wierd. I hate family drama.

I remember reading that someone else on here was having brother troubles and at that time I was very thankful to not have any of that in my life. Guess I was wrong.

I know my surgery has no affect on him, I just would like to understand how he thinks it does.

Thank you everyone for the kind words! I love the people here.