struggles and control

SO.  I've been struggling more than a little bit lately, feeling like my eating patterns are not what they "should" be, exercising more sporadically (not on a set routine), and having gained a few pounds, lost a few pounds, gained a couple of pounds, etc...  Generally, I'm just not happy with where I am right now.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it and have a bunch of quandaries that I'm working through.  First, I'm going to get off my butt and get appointments made with the psychologist - I know I've promised to do it in the past, but I think i'm finally really ready and NEED to.

I do subscribe to a bunch of the online Overeaters Anonymous lists and mostly just read the postings there to supplement my "inspiration" that mainly comes from you guys.  I've always felt vaguely like i "should" be officially in OA if I define myself as a food addict, because after all that's where addicts go to get better, right?  Part of me feels "inadequate" for not being able to fully commit to a traditional 12-step program.   I do recognize that I'm an addict.  I do recognize that programs like OA work for many people.  So why am I so resistant to it?  

I think it comes down to control.  It seems to me that the 12-step programs' CORE is relinquishing control... acknowledging a higher power (however you define that) and turning control of your addiction over to that power.  I just cannot get myself comfortable with that - it's SO against my inner personality to relinquish control of myself and my choices, and so I can't get beyond that.  My spiritual beliefs are not "traditional" so I don't envision God as a sentient being who will take personal control of my life and "fix" things for me.  I'm simply not a passive person.  And no matter how hard I try, I cannot envision myself "comfortable" in the structure of OA.

And so I continue to struggle.  I continue to try and wrest control of myself and my choices away from my addiction.  I continue to look for "more power" over my addiction, and to try and place myself more firmly in control. 

I don't know if my insistence on control is a continued symptom of the addiction or just how I'm wired.  I don't know what type of addiction program will address this without going back to the standard 12-step approach, which just doesn't "feel" right for me. 

I do know... that when i feel out of control, I eat.  That certain "binging" behaviors are starting to creep back in in small ways, but they're there.  That my mind is unsettled on these issues. 

Any thoughts? Tools?  Suggestions?  As I said, I am going to call the therapist today and make an appointment. And I'm trying my best to do the one-day/one-hour at a time thing (which works well for me during the day, but nights have been hellish lately).  And I plan to do an UNMODIFIED 5DPT starting Friday (realized I was rationalizing by modifying it "just because I don't have a pouch", and that doing it at work was NOT going to work for me) to get my head adjusted.  But this is a long road - and I want to tackle the problem head on.

Thanks, as always, for your love and support!

Karen

To go along with the 12-step theme, good for you for recognizing your issues, Karen!!!  It's difficult to admit that we have problems.  I don't have any advice for you, but I know where you're coming from.  I've found myself grazing lately, and I know that's not a good thing.  And I haven't been as religious about exercising as I have been in the past.  I won't be allowed to exercise for a few weeks after tomorrow's surgery, either, so I'll have to be more diligent about what I put in my mouth.  Nothing says I can't take leisurely walks, though, while recuperating.

Don't beat yourself up over anything!!!!  Look back at your journey and see how far you've come!!!  You've really rocked that tool, especially since you can't dump and have been very mindful of what you eat!!!  You'll get back on track---re-introduce one change at a time if you have to. 

Hugs to you!!!  

Thanks, Julia!  I'm not so much beating myself up as recognizing that I've got to get it back together for life.  As I remind others and have to remind myself, this is a marathon, not a sprint. 

Someone said something the other day that resonated with me.  I haven't LOST the weight... I know right where it is and can get it back anytime I want.  Sigh.  How true!

Thanks again,
Karen

HIJACK!

Hey Julia, just wanted to wish you good luck with the surgery!   I know it is stressful but we'll be thinking of you and sending healing vibes.   Remember to keep up the protein, it'll heal you quicker and shut down your grazing and sugar cravings due to stress.  Leisurely walks after sound lovely and will help as well.   Hope to see you at the Sept. Phoenixville mtg.    Jackie

Thanks, Jackie!!! I had discussed diet and protein with Dr. P at my last visit, so I'm pretty well prepared. And so ready to go be done with this and get on with my life!!

Karen,

Are you sure you are not pulling thoughts from my innerself?  You see I have been strugglinh with this very same concept for way too long. Why am I so resistant.?

I am working through the book  Anatomy of a Food Addiiction with my therapist.....perhaps we could start a book group here on OH to work through this book???

Hugs,

Jayne

now THERE's an idea!!!  I love that book - probably time for a good re-reading/re-working of it and I like the idea of both doing it in a therapeutic context and in a group here. 

thank you!
karen

I was watching one of the speakers on PBS TV over the weekend.  There was a guy talking about his program "Eating for your Brain".  He states that the types of food we eat can cause uncontrollable behavior.  Once we find out what type of brain we have and feed it the right foods that these uncontrollable urges, binges, weight gain, energy, focus, memory problems all go away.  I don't know if his program is available without a pledge to PBS.  Here is a link to his information:

Search Results

1. Nutritional Typing - Take Control of Your Health

   Nutritional Typing Your Next Generation Key to Stupendous Lifelong Health ... You might know of, or have personally experienced eating plans that work for some people. ...products.mercola.com/nutritional-typing - Cached

fascinating concept and one that makes tons of sense.  I'll do some reading! 

Thanks, Nan!

Karen

Here is another "sugar" expert/recovery specialist that I read.  http://www.radiantrecovery.com/newsensitive.htm   12-steps are not for everyone and they are not the end all and be all of successful addiction recovery.   There are private practice addiction specialists.  The Renfrew center is a fabulous eating disorder clinic in our area and might be able to refer you to someone or http://www.edtreatmentcenters.com/food-addiction-symptoms.ph p  I applaud your first step to see someone that might be able to help you organize your thoughts and help you direct yourself to where you want to go.   Often we start to befuddle ourselves when we are trying to control things so tightly and suddenly it all gets out of whack and we can't seem to get it on track.  That objective outsider can help you w/that.   Good Luck and relax.   Now that you are not in "striving" mode, you need to settle in and find your center so you can stay there without fear of tipping.