Not sure what I feel

Kinda down-- kinda hating on myself...nothing is "fixed" by this surgery...I am still me and I am still here nothing will change that.  I am so tired of being me...so tired of letdowns and disappointments...tired of life in general.  Seven months out and still can't see what is good....hating myself is a pain.  Depressed? Yes. Talking to someone? Yes. Is it helping??? No not really....

Will I ever be good enough?  Pretty enough? Thin enough?? Smart enough?  Will I ever be enough???  Sometimes like today that answer seems like a faraway "no".  I guess with the new year looming and time on my hands I let myself get down in the dumps....so many things I want to do and change about myself and not sure where to begin....

I am sorry if this isn't making sense...just woke up in a foul mood.  I am sure this will all dissipate in time...Sometimes I just have to vent about myself. 

Thanx.

Laura,

It must be that time of year, because the past couple of days I haven't felt my best.  Too I was down in the dumps,  not wanting to deal with problems, taking it out on Connor, which is the worst thing you can do.  But you just have to pick your head up and try to think of the good things in your life, as small as they may seem at the moment. 

I feel better today and am looking forward to going out and having some fun with my newfound friends.  I still feel guilty about spending money, but my husband was like is $50 really going to make or break us.  And I was like, Well, I feel like it will.  So he told me to knock it off and go and have a good time.  So that is what I am going to do.

Just hang in there and be strong.  You will be fine, things will be fine.  Tomorrow is another day...hopefully a good one!!!

Happy New Year to you!!!

(((hug))) this is me hugging you. I have been where you are so many times. I am glad you are seeing someone, maybe you should consider an anti-depressant. I hate to see or hear in this case anyone feeling so bad as you do right now. I know it is hard to believe but keep trying, keep working at it, don't give up because there is a better life, one where you see everything in a better light, and you can take control, and feel better about yourself and your situation. Right now it sounds like you are in the middle of a dark cloud looking out and everything you see looks different because of the cloud(depression). Everything is blurred by the fog. Once you find the key to blowing that cloud out of the way everything will be clearer and look better to you. Right now I take two anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer to keep the depression under control. Depression is a medical condition just like diabetes, a heart condition, kidney problems, or any other. There are specific treatments and sometimes it takes a while to find the one that works but when everything comes together and things are better you will see it is so worth all the hard work it took to get there. Hany in there and keep coming here to vent. Just having someone to talk to helps so much. (((more hugz))))

Laura

It makes sense and you are right this surgery does not fix our minds only our stomachs. This past year and a half I broke myself down brick by brick I have been slow rebuilding it is not esy to look at oursel;ves an face faults and look at your insides. I have thrown out a good amount of the old bricks and replaced them with new ones and shifted the old ones I kept.

You are here amoung friends and we will help you get this threw don't be afraid to reach out to us.

**hugs**

I really think it is the time of year, because I've been feeling it too (plus I have a case of bronchitis taking the wind out of my sails quite literally!).  I wonder if it's some kind of post-holiday letdown -- all the stress energy that got us through until Christmas is gone, and now it feels like there's nothing to look forward to.

I agree with what's been said -- we will all get each other through this.  And I know that I need to make it one of my resolutions to be better about reaching out (both here and at support groups) and not just keeping to myself like a hermit crab.  

Take care, and happy new year!
Lesley

Hi Laura, 

I'm sorry I am a few days reading your post and my hope is that you might be feeling better now than when you posted.  If not though, I just wanted to offer my support to you and wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from.  

Please don't be afraid to "shop around" for someone to talk to if you don't think the person you are currently talking to is really helping.  It may take some time to find the "right" person to talk to, but I know for me, finding a therapist that I really click with and love going to, has been so important (both before surgery and after). 

You mention also that there are so many things you want to do and change about yourself and that you are not sure where to begin.  My nonprofessional ;) advice is to start small and to try not to tackle too many things at once.  Trying to change too many things at once can seem very overwhelming for one thing and for another thing, if you change more than one thing at a time you may not be able to isolate which change led to the improvement and if all the changes were even necessary in the first place.  I know we've never met in person before Laura, but through all of our interactions on here, you have always struck me as a very special person.  You may not actually need to change as much about yourself as you may think.  We are often our own worst critics ;)

Thinking of you, 
Lisa :) 

Lisa--
Thank you for the advice and insight!! I am feeling better but am still working on my inner emotional life.  Thank you for the compliments too!!!  You are always there to answer my questions and offer support and that makes you a very special person too!!  Thanks so much!! I really and truly do apprecciate it!

Laura

You are very welcome, Laura.  I meant every word I said.  None of this is easy.  I'm glad you are feeling better and I think it's perfectly fine that you are still working on your inner emotional life.  Personally, I believe we all should continuously be working on that and always consider ourselves a work in progress ;)  Thank you also for what you wrote to me.  I really and truly appreciate it too!

Hugs, 
Lisa :)