My Pre-Holiday Vent

OK, I know its Christmas - the Holidays - I should have peace in my heart and be filled with wonder and joy. The only wonder I'm filled with is wondering why I let my family take advantage of me the way I do.

My older sister arrived last night from Florida - about 2 months ago her 36 year old son moved back up to PA from a 3 year stint in FLA. I love my nephew - I helped raise him before my sister met her husband - but my nephew is a bum. Plain and simple. He refuses to grow up - give up the weed - the concerts - the drinking - the bullsh*t - and fighting. When he got back to PA he had driven straight through from FLA and called to see if he could spend the night at my house so I said he could - he had made arrangements with a friend to live with him once he got here. The night he got into town he was sporting a nice black eye and cuts and bruises from yet another alcoholic brawl.

He did come to my house for Thanksgiving and it was a pleasant day - at that time I invited him to come for Christmas Eve and spend the night and have Christmas Day and dinner with us - at that time my sister was not going to be in PA for the holidays.

In the meantime my nephew has had a falling out with his roommate (no surprise there) and was looking for an apartment, but his job decided to do a background check so I guess now he's lost his job because there's a warrant out for his arrest in PA for a DUI. Of course he was going to get that all straightened out once he got here. He has a FLA license but no PA. And since the guy he was living with was also his boss I'm guessing the boss turned him in...

So my sister just called a while ago and asked if he could come stay at the house while they're here for the holiday (they leave on the 30th) and I said that was okay. I didn't add that he has to leave when they do, and now I'm so stressed over the fact that she's going to ask me if he can live with us until he gets on his feet. Well, he NEVER gets on his feet - he just drains his mother financially and emotionally and he's not going to do the same to me. Plus the fact that I already have my mother living with me 24/7 and I can just see my sister 'justifying' her asking because they're taking my mom back to Florida for a few weeks.

Oh god, I'm sorry to have rambled on so...I just hate being put in this position - I hate having to ask my husband to deal with yet another of my family issues, especially after I told him one of his daughters couldn't live with us!! But my family comes in and they just take over and I sit back and let them because if I open my mouth than I'm the royal b*tch in the family and everybody gets pissed off at me.

Well, this time they might just have to get p'd off at me and deal with it, because I can already feel myself tensing up over this whole situation.

Thanks for listening - I know the best advice I can be given is to grow a backbone when it comes to them...

Kathy

Kathy,

You came to your own solution, but it's never easy saying no to family and close friends, but sometimes saying no to someone else is saying yes to us and then we have this programmed button that tells us how selfi**** is to be that way, yaddy, yaddy, yah. . .  the first time we do something that is out of what we do "normally" is the hardest, it gets easier with practice and you don't have to be anyone's flop house, nor get yourself all stressed out over their problems.  Consider this, allowing someone, who at 36, has refused to accept responsibility for themself, to continue his dependence on others, is enabling them to not grow up, if his mother wants to do that, well fine, but you saying no way might be a part of the solution of his growing up and it's you being grown up enough to say no. . .

Accept the things you cannot control, other people, but you can controll how you are going to handle the situation ;)

Wishing you the best holiday's ever. . .

Hugs, Laureen

I understand wanting to avoid being the bad guy. But from the way it sounds, you NEED to put your foot down. Your health and happiness are important. And if you have spent your whole life doing things like this, when is it your turn to worry about yourself?

I say.........be firm, be honest! And if that is something they cannot handle, then oh well.

Rather then wait and have it all blow up on the holiday call them now. Like right now and explain that you love your family and you are going to give nephew the gift he never received from anybody else. The gift of personal responsibility.
Don`t play defense, time to take the field and move the ball.

Kathy,

I tend to do the same thing you do - so I understand.  And now when I do stand up for myself it's "since she's lost all the weight she's become a royal "witch" "  NOOOOO...I just don't get stomped around on anymore.  My family is *generally* ok - but Brian's is a whole other saga.

Good luck in dealing with this situation - and let us know if we can do anything else - but we will all have your back.  You need to do what is right for you and YOUR family (hubby and dog...) and no one else.  They can be p-off at you - if they are that mad, then they can take your nephew in!

Pam

Isn't it interesting how anytime you do anything someone doesn't like.........it's blamed on the surgery. I always hear,    "ever since the sugery..........blah,blah"!

I am 4 years out and still hear it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this!  Much great advice has been given so I'll keep my post short.  Someone once told me that "We teach other people how to treat us."  I have a similar situation to you only with my son, not a nephew.  It's been hard.  Harder still is remembering that I'm always teaching him how he can treat me.  You deserve better treatment Kathy.  You are a warm, loving, caring, giving person.  And as Pam said, keep posting because we've got your back.

Keri

OMG.. I can't believe the simularities!!  My sister's youngest son is 37, just came back from a stint in FL (to get out of being arrested for .....drug crap)..  won't give up weed or drinking...  mouth like a sewer.. lives with his mother until (he gets back on his feet)  He did get his license back, but can't work anywhere that does a drug test so makes NOTHING.  He does help her out alot... but really treats her like crap, talking to her like she's an idiot.  I told him so, too!  Just be up front with him... No, I'm sorry, but you cannot stay with us!   I told my nephew that if he visits us, no alcohol, no drugs, no foul mouth... no way he'll come near!  He He....  

Have a Happy Holiday... I soooo feel for your sister.