This is totally not the daily post; this is the bedroom and beyond
You know, sometimes it is just nice to talk about what life was like. Most of the time, when I visit the before scenarios, I talk about booth fear (a fear of trying to sit in a booth at restaurants) or the inability to walk far or having to buy sheets and make myself these huge muumuus . We all have those stories that we share with each other and with those awaiting surgery so that we can, no matter what, show the benefits of WLS.Today, though, I wanted to talk about more intimate issues...you know, in the bedroom. I know this is something we don't always discuss because really, who talks about the bedroom, but I wanted to go there....I am not going to embarrass any of you, I promise, so bear with me while I talk about life after dark.
I don't know if you all remember, but my DH and I will be celebrating our 15-year anniversary this month, and we were talking about our life together before WLS. He said to me, "because I knew you all your life, when I looked at you, I saw that beautiful, energetic, intelligent, girl who could dance me under the table and who captured the looks and the hearts of all the men who had the pleasure of meeting you...but when you started gaining weight, even though I knew you; I loved you, you had this look in your eyes that was the hardest thing for me to witness. Remember, you use to make up excuses for staying home...or staying in the car. When we were going to be around new people, you were so stressed and you would get sick at the last minute. Your joy was your kids, our grandson, and us...and you didn't want anything else."
I'm sure that every one in my family and people who knew me, even though they may not have seen me in years, thought he was crazy for marrying me. I was, after all, the largest person in my family and the largest person in our town...I kid you not. But we have always had a connection, and when it was just he and I, I was comfortable in my skin...I knew he loved me and I knew he was not distracted by my size. But, we had problems. For instance, I couldn't sleep in our bed, at first. I slept in a hospital bed. I couldn't sit on the sofa with him; I had to sit in a lift chair to get me up and down. It's true, I had been in a car accident so my back and neck were broken, but over the years, before we were married, I was able to walk a little and the year before we married and the first year after, I lost from over 590 or so pounds down to 360 or so pounds.
But, my blood pressure was going up and my lungs were not able to provide me with oxygen; I was on the verge of having to use insulin, and I had already had surgery on my knees and wrists from lifting myself up...When I lost the two hundred pounds before WLS, I was still unable to sleep in bed with my husband...we were fortunate that our bedroom was large enough, in the old farm house, for our queen sized bed and my hospital bed. Every night, he would help me get into the shower and out; he would rub my back with lotion; rub my feet with lotion; and put my giant sheet made muumuus over my head and help me into the bed room, and then he would pull back the covers on my hospital bed and help me get into bed and he would prop me with pillows and cover me up...I always faced his bed and he lay in bed facing me. He would kiss me goodnight and when I needed to get up and go to the bathroom, he would help me get up and out of bed and walk with me to the bathroom. I had adaptive devices for cleaning myself because my arms were too short to reach around my belly and take care of my personal hygiene.
Shortly after we were married, I began working toward ditching the hospital bed. So I started by slowly, over time, laying my hospital bed flatter and flatter until it was completely horizontal, and I was eventually able to get into my husband's bed with him. We cuddled for the first time. And even though my hips and back killed me, I suffered until I could sleep the night through, and we began having a normal married life or as normal as a man can have with a disable wife who weighs probably three times his weight.
Then, damnit, I started going through the change of life and let me just say that while my menstrual cycles had always been mild, the change was hurricane Red...I bled and bled and my husband, bless his heart, and I struggled to find out the best way to pad me to keep him dry...and after six months it stopped. I was so thankful. And our life got back to normal, for a while.
My doctor suggested to me to have WLS because of all my various illnesses, and he was blunt when he said he was afraid I was going to die in my sleep...so I began doing the research. I found out that my husband's insurance on me would pay for it; I also found out that I needed to diet for a year and while I had been dieting for two years, I documented the diet and exercise program but slowly, I gained more weight....there just comes a time when we lose weight before WLS and our body learns to live on fewer calories etc. So, like many of you, I gained weight back and couldn't wait to have the surgery.
So, I found a doctor, got approved, and had to wait on my blood count to go up. The thing about me was that in addition to the awful bleeding from the change; I also had this horrible tumor that was growing in my uterus and that was sucking my blood....so a year before the surgery, I had a total abdominal hysterectomy where the doctor removed a tumor the size of a soccer ball that had it's own very vascular circulatory system and it was efficiently starving my body to death....the blood that is. I'm sure if I had not had it removed, I would have probably saw some pounds come off, so getting the hysterectomy, I was able to start seeing a rise in my blood count.
While waiting for the WLS, my husband and I planned what life would be like. We were excited that he might someday be able to hold me in his lap; I was excited that sometimes I might be on top ( you know?) or him on top and not all this side laying crap. Anyway, the day came and I recovered and the weight started falling off of me. I wore clothes that I bought instead of made, I wore pants that were not stretchy and I wore jeans, real jeans. And one night, I'll never forget it, we were in bed and it was the most natural thing for me to roll over and slide on top of him without hurting my hips or back or hurting him...he said, wow, your heart isn't beating out of your chest and you are not winded.... many months later, he said when we were being sexual, he was always afraid I would have a heart attack because my heart would beat so fast and loud...and he was right.
My point for sharing these really intimate details of my pre and post surgical life is that women our age are not often seen as sexual beings so we visit the major forums where there is talk about sex and being hot and getting busy, but we are often thought to only be concerned about extending our life by a decade or two...but the truth is, when we have WLS, sure the health is a perk, but we do it to regain our sexuality...we want to be seen as desirable and sexy, and we want to sit across from our partner and notice him or her checking us out and realize that he or she is going to skip dessert because of wanting me...us...you know. I loved that after losing all that weight, and having had a total hysterectomy without hormone replacement therapy, I still wanted to have those kinds of relationships and to be frank, I liked that it could be done without adaptive devices...well...there are some devices that I would call necessary for us gals whose husbands have sort of hit past the prime of their lives...those are adaptive but not totally necessary because we can reach those areas ourselves.
Ladies, we are never too old or too big or too small to need intimacy with our partners or with ourselves...there's nothing wrong with going a little solo workout that raises the heart rate, kicks in the calorie burning, and causes our body to release endorphins that help us sleep and can kick a *****'s headache to the curb. Plus normal sexual activity increases our metabolism and decreases stress. If you still haven't found your sexuality, look for it.... make a visit to the sex shops and get yourself a nice vibrator that has a nice handle and buy some healthy lubricant and take yourselves on a journey to reclaim your pleasure.... It his has made some of you uncomfortable, I am truly sorry but if it has caused some of you to think abut or even light that fire that boils under the skin...I have achieved my desired affect.
I'm glad we had this conversation and I hope you all feel okay to discuss sex as freely as I have and that you do discuss it. We are, after all, adults and we are women in need of reclaiming our lives and we share other intimate parts of our lives, so why not this too....So what was your most important reclamation in the bedroom...after surgery or before.
Great topic Jeannie. I was not overweight until after I had my child. I have always been sexual and lived through the 70s with lovers that I did not marry. When I got pregnant my life went crazy. I was very sick during the nine months, morning sickness that lasted all the way through. Looking back on it I also think that I was clinically depressed, but thought it was pregnancy. After my daughter was born I had an infected epesiotomy that after several months of antibiotics had to be surgically repaired. Immediately after that surgery my older brother Jim was in a horrible car accident and became quadriplegic. Several weeks after that my baby brother was diagnosed with AIDS and died six months later. The reason that this is related to weight gain and sex is that the depression that I went through was the catalyst to my weight gain of 150 pounds. I am not sure if it was the weight or the depression or both but I was not sexual at all...I was in survival mode. I kept working but only because my therapist made me promise not to give up and she gave me her home phone number to call when I was struggling to go to work. She saved me in so many ways. I did finally regain my sexuality, but I think it was unrelated to weight gain or loss. After my surgery and significant weight loss my self esteem improved to the point that I felt my desirability to men in general return and that was definitely a boost to my sexuality in general. I lost a lot of weight in my face and I felt pretty again, which I had lost completely during the grief and weight gain phase.
Julia,
It's so strange how much the mind controls the libido. I remember after the car accident, I began gaining so much weight and really, I didn't even want to know that I had sex organs let alone use them. LOL.....
I am so happy you participated. I think we need to holistically handle these situations. LOL....YOu are a good friend, for sure.
Hi Jeannie & Julia!
Jeannie, you bring u the most interesting topics...lol!
I see where the board has been slow this week so maybe this might get things going although midnight & the weekend are fast approaching!
My husband married me at almost 300 pounds and never had issues w/my weight. In fact,, he encouraged my eating always bringing home surprise snacks...probably a self-esteem thing on his part. I did not like how heavy I was...it really made me feel unattractive...especially in the bedroom!
Like Julia I didn't begin gaining weight until after my kids were born so during my 1st marriage I was young & slender & could wear cute nightwear. Now it was granny panties, big support bras & nightgowns like mumus...a real turn off in the bedroom for me. But we made out okay the first several years b/c of the passion that overtakes you despite any obstacles.
However, as my weight began to pass the 300 mark I was tired all the time, felt like I needed to take an in-depth shower before doing anything which killed any spontaneity & moving around became limited. And after my cancer & hysterectomy a few years ago I had NO drive at all.
My drive still sucks. Again, this man is still so supportive never pressuring me & telling me he loved me fat & he is proud of me now. I imagine it will take me awhile to get adjusted to how I look & feel since the weight has come off & then maybe feel more sexual than I had during my very fat years.
Everything is really a process, isn't it?
Kathy
Kathy,
My husband supported me too. I have to say that I really struggled with my libido but my gynecologists said that if I don't take hormones, my external genitalia will atrophy and I could start developing bladder infections and other things but she said, having regular, you know, ******s, can slow it down a little bit. I still cannot take the hormones because of the breast cancer genes that run through my family...all but one of sisters has it and I haven't been tested. I do get mammograms and ultrasounds every year and every six months but still, you know, I worry.
I think each of us go through the processes individually and it's nice that we can discuss these things, ask questions, talk about how to handle these processes all of...holistically.
And, sometimes, we need to strike a fire. you know?
OOOOOKAY
Yes this is not the usual topic of our post but it does not offend me. I am an adult and open minded. I do however keep my personal life personal, whatever the topic. If I was seriously ill or having marital problems I would not be able to discuss it beyond the surface. I have always been the one people came to to unload. I am happy to listen but I can't seem to do the confiding. That's just me.
On the topic of sexuality....I have never had a problem with libido. Even when I was not comfortable with my body image that did not affect my libido. My body image was distorted in high school. I felt huge. My classmates were of Cajun French descent and very tiny. I am of German descent and well...German. By comparison I towered over everyone and could only see the number on the scale. When 98 is typical my 135 was huge. I truly didn't realize that my 25 inch waist was enviable. If I had grown up elsewhere I wonder what my mindset would have been. As a child I was gangly, by high school that had changed. In today's world I would have been considered a knockout. In My world Twiggy reigned. My size did and to some extent still does determine what I do and where I go. In college I experienced the freshman weight gain and never did get rid of it. That 30 pounds seemed like such a hurdle. WHAT WAS MY PROBLEM. I let the concern for the 30 pounds snowball into concern for so much more. I was 185 when I married my first husband. He was not from the land of Lilliputians and my 185 on a 5'8" frame was ok by him. Not by me and we stilled LIVED in the land of Lilliputians. I continued to gain through the years. When I left my marriage I was even heavier. By the time I remarried I was 100 pounds heavier than I was on my first wedding day. Personal relationships were difficult for me. I am social if someone else starts the conversation. I am by nature rather shy. I hate ****tail parties. I feel awkward. that goes for tea parties as well. It not the ****tails that make me feel awkward. I could never be a flirt. My relationships have started out as very good friendships. By the time they turned into romances I was comfortable in my own skin.
As far as changes with menopause my situation may be different. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 35. I did not experience any side effects. Finally at the of 55 I asked my doctor if there was any way to determine if I had gone through menopause because I had no symptoms. without periods I had no way of knowing. Bottom line...I had been there done that. I did not start to have menopausal symptoms until after WLS. Then came the night sweats, and hot flashes. I am still always hot. My libido was still not affected. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse but it is what it is.
