Monday- Mothers Day Reflections & Beyond-
I hope that everyone was able to enjoy some smiles and happiness on Mother's day. Please forgive my unsolicited opinion here- but I find that I must speak out, if not to help others, but for my own reassurance...often writing things down helps me assimulate things better....I do not mean to sound "preachy"...these are just my simple thoughts....
It seems to me that these designated "holidays" bring out some very real emotions, both positive & negative. We are all different, coming from a variety of backgrounds, physical and emotional issues. I, too, have varied emotions about my Mom. I loved her but I did not always LIKE her and we had alot of friction mostly due to Mom's denial & enabling of my adopted younger sibling (alcoholic, drug addict & manipulator) who basically abused Mom, emotionally & financially. my parent's last 30 plus years were often times of secrets and sheer hell that they covered up so well...I had NO idea of what and how bad my sister's behaviour hurt them. She destroyed our family with her addictions and Mom (in some dream world of "I KNOW BETTER than everyone else" ), was determined to "FIX" my sister...it didn't happen, and to this day, my sister remains a criminally-based statistic. My parents did not deserve to be so manipulated but Mom refused to listen to the TRUTH which was so clearly obvious to all others except her.
Having said all of that, I COULD CHOOSE to allow the damage done to our family CONTINUE to destroy me thru bitterness, anger and regrets. I could & DID self-medicate with sweets and starchy foods...have we ever rewarded ourselves with BROCCOLI? Now I COULD therefore choose to try and assuage my hurt feelings by EATING COMFORT FOODS. This, in fact, is like punishing yourself for something that you had no control of at all. However, I FINALLY learned to CHOOSE to see all of that as a "LIFE LESSON" and to move forward...seeing lessons learned and understanding human nature.
Unhealthy eating is a form of self-punishment, we think that we do not deserve to be treated with love and respect (whether we actively realize that concept or not)...it's like giving up on yourself. Heaven knows, I had given up on myself so many times, it is a wonder that I am still alive and upright! THAT was why I reached 431 pounds!! When we give up and "feed our hurts away", we are disrespecting ourselves and accepting all the negative tapes in our heads that say we are NOT ENOUGH!
Guess what, we ARE ENOUGH! We deserve love and respect even from OURSELVES.
We will all die, everyone of us. Some of us will be remembered, some will not. Some of us will be missed, some will not. What I get out of these "emotional holidays" is to reflect at what we learn about others, and OURSELVES, from these memories.
So when these "holidays" and memories grab at you, we are being manipulated by big business that guilts you into feeling like you MUST buy cards, presents, flowers or you don't love them "enough"...so do not allow yourself to be enslaved by the greed of business ..(buy the gifts if doing so gives you joy, but not if it is to get rid of that guilt feeling that we are artificially pushed into by advertising)....take the good memories and rejoice, give a few minutes for a sad nod and wry smile at the "bad memories", but move forward and treat yourself that way you deserve to be..with love and respect. It is not easy at times, I have to work very hard at "letting go"...but to be truly have an authentic life, we need to be ourselves, not what we have been told or made to feel.
Memories (good & bad) help us evolve and grow - appreciate that which makes us a better person and shrug off the bad ones, for they teach us how NOT to be. Live in the NOW, not in the PAST. I tried so hard to help my Mom with that...she could never let go of the bad stuff & that created a "loose cannon" of heartsick bitterness and bridge-burning, narrow-mindedness, quick to be judgmental and angry....very hurtful to me...she treated me like I was the enemy. I still hear her cruel words to me in my head but I work at stopping myself from reacting by eating that which MIGHT make me feel better for a few minutes..I do not always win but I am finally winning more often.
She was my Mom, I loved her dearly...I still love her & miss her so much. I took excellent care of her (after Dad died & Mom was so lost without him until she died 18 years later), the very best that I could...but I did not always LIKE her. And THAT experience taught me so very much.
Good Morning Nancy and OFF,
I don't wallow about the past with Mom, I talk about this stuff with my sis-in-law, and my therapist. I have a deep understanding of what makes Mom tick, and can usually handle her digs and jabs, more graciously than I did when I was home a few weeks ago. I just hate when she *****es about stuff that is in the past. Never a compliment, or praise, always criticism.
As a teenager, I partied and ate. Had to stuff that anger, and lousy self-esteem. I never felt good enough. Now, I know I'm not perfect, and I have the tools to deal with those emotions, but unfortunately, old habit creep in. I'm not drinking, or drugging anymore. But, the food is still so easily tempting.
Now that the weather is better, and I'm getting in more walking as my foot continues to heal, the food is less tempting.
Like I was told in my first WLS support group, the surgery is on my stomach, not my mind. That's why I go to therapy, and pray.
Hugs,
Trish
Albert Schweitzer
Nancy Thanks for the insightful post. We all have these scripts or similar ones circling around in our heads. I too have learned not to allow toxic people or situations defeat me. I do not associate with people who constantly find fault and are negative. I have never needed a whole gaggle of friends. I have 2 or 3 really good friends that I can count on if I am in need. Friends who are non judgmental and supportive. I treat them likewise. I have peers that I associate with. Some come and go. Some are more steady. I have a good time with these folks but I do not share my soul with them. I do listen to them if they need me but I would not continue the relationship if they became toxic. Learning to do this has helped me with emotional eating. I guess the only emotional eating I do now is in response to bad news (usually health related) within my family or among close friends. Then of course there is the times when my hubby is hurtful or upsetting. These things happen but I am getting better with my response. I may stuff my hurt with bad choices but I am getting through it quicker and with smaller portions of the stuff than I used to. I still slip but I recover easier.
I remember lost family members fondly during holidays. Even though I had my ups and downs with my parents I know they always did the best they knew how and everything they did was for my benefit. We were not a demonstrative family but we loved each other and that was known and understood. A lot of the things I got upset with my parents about I later realized were wise and well thought out actions and thoughts. I wasn't always this smart. (ha).
Although I still have my moments I think I am relatively healthy mentally. Not to say I am normal...gosh I wouldn't want to be normal....that would be so boring.
I am at peace with myself more often than not.
My short term goal of meal prep is coming along
My snort term goal of more water intake is taking a little longer.
My long term goal is to lose 20 more pounds by the end of the year.
I will do this.!!!!
Thank you Nancy for your interesting post! I have mixed feelings about the holiday hoopla. I always tell my daughter not to feel obligated about these holidays. They are primarily an economic ploy. I hate the idea of anyone being guilted into giving presents. That being said, I loved having Laura over and I loved her present and I especially loved the damn Hallmark card that she lovingly chose and personalized with her own thoughts...
My relationship with my Mom was not perfect but she was a sweet and loving mom. I was lucky to have her. I had more issues with my Dad, who had depression and anger, but also loved me very deeply. Most of my emotional problems came from him. He died young, at 51, but by then my responses to the up and down of his reactions were quite set. Food was the main coping mechanism for me.
Today my day is totally open. I am trying to organize drawers and cabinets slowly so that will be part of my day.
Julia
Hello Nancy and Ladies,
I think, and this is just my own humble opinion, but I think that memories are best dealt with outside of the scope of reminders such as holidays and family gatherings and those kinds of things that trigger the memory of what we have and don't have or what we miss. I certainly don't completely break down but Mothers Day is difficult for me.
I am with Julia and Linda on not aligning myself with negative people. Life is way too short to have to deal with the pain that they cause. I have a sister that is probably a whole lot like your adopted sister and let me tell you she has been so abusive to my older sisters because they allow it; I don't. I don't have the time or the patience to deal with the drama and only put up with the drama from my daughter because of my grand babies...grand babies change everything.
Today, we had to go see the eye doctor about my husband's rejection and everything is good so he goes back on his normal dose of steroids and for that I am happy. On our way back from Little Rock, which is about a three hour drive, we stopped and visited with my brother one of his cows was birthing a calf...I guess she was having trouble and the vet was there and they were pulling it out....lord a mercy those poor cows... The calf actually did good and the cow seemed perfectly fine as soon as the calf was out...it was breech...
Then we stopped by my daughter's to drop off some clothes we picked up for the kids and her eggs were hatching so she had about seven little chicks...they were chirping up a storm...she had a few more left that we could hear the pecking...so by now I'm sure they are out of the shell.....while there, I got a dozen of eating eggs....big brown and blue eggs.
I love spring on the farm; my daughter said there's an old barn cat that has had a litter of kittens and of course, I had to go see the kittens...they are so cute....one solid white and then the other four are calico....they are gorgeous and we already found them homes...these are big ear cats which are good mousers....so the old barn on our farm has never had too many rats in the corn....
Well, I need to run. I am cooking beans and cornbread and potatoes and corn on the cob and okra for dinner....I am already tasting it all.
Ladies, have a good rest of the evening.
When I lived on it, we rented the fields to my BIL and he kept his cows on it and he cut and bailed the hay and paid me half of what he got for the hay. But then he quit raising cows and my daughter and her husband are now raising cows, chickens, goats, sheep, pigs...you name it, they raise and sell....I do stock the ponds with fish and the kids now consider those big catfish pets. LOL... But, I do like to go check out their efforts. My daughter and her husband are really good farmers and they have the machinery to cut and bail hay and they make quite a lot of money during hay seasons and they cut and bail it and they either get paid for doing the work or they get the hay, either way, it's a win for them. Even my younger grandkids drive the big hay machines and trucks. But I'm not fond of outdoors and I sure don't like being sweaty. LOL....
I love the outdoors but only within certain parameters. I can not be hot. Hot to me is a much lower temp than for most folks. I say I love to garden twice a year. April and October. I love temps between 45 and 70. If I hike or work outside and it is any warmer than 70 I overheat and get all kinds of physical symptoms. I love animals but have allergies so I don't have any. I love watching horses run. They are magnificent animals. I also like miniature donkeys. I find goats comical. I have often thought I would prefer the company of animals to that of people. There is such beauty in nature and innocence in the animals. I am not naïve I know that a whole lot of animals would just as soon eat me or maul me as look at me but I still find them fascinating.
