Venting

Jeanne,

you can vent here at any time.  Sometimes there is no explaining the actions of others.  she is your flesh and blood, and you raised her, but your daughter has her own mind.  I sincerely pray she sees the light but I sure don't blame you for minimizing your contact with her or even, eliminating it altogether for a while.  

I am so sorry this keeps happening to you.  

Christie,

I told my DH that there are times when I think she is getting better and then out of the blue, the BPD rears its ugly head. My grandmother was bipolar. She was never diagnosed but I remember when I had polio and my mother couldn't come see me in the hospital, my grandmother came and sometimes she was so mean and hateful to my grandfather and to me. Then I had to live with her for a while and I tried to be a shadow on the wall so she wouldn't be mad at me. She never hit me, but she would get so angry and just say horrible things and she would get so loud and be so scary. I have two sisters who have it and my daughter and several of my nieces and nephews are totally bat **** crazy. My two sisters who have it keep our family in constant drama and that is one of the reasons the sister who raised me and I stay the hell away from them. One thing our family has learned is that for those who have BPD in our family, none of us want to rock the boat for them because none of us want to be the reason the crazy comes out and none of us want it aimed our direction. I really wish the medical community would devote more study on a cure or better treatment for the disease and I do believe it is a disease because no one would be able to keep these behaviors up their entire lives...they are exhausting.  

Thanks for the support. 

Good morning Jeannie and OFF-

Sorry to read that the drama and hurt continue for you and Vickie.  I think the holidays heighten our senses to "what families should be" and we tend to get upset when our family life doesn't meet the "template".  I found myself getting angry yesterday with my brothers neglect of my mother.

This disease, BPD, is difficult for many.  I don't know if you've read anything that Kay Jamison has written.  Her books "An Unquiet Mind" and "Touched by Fire" are good reads about BPD.  She writes from a unique perspective as she's a psychologist who also suffers from BPD.

i think the approach you are taking is the right one.  You don't have to walk on eggshells and it's perfectly acceptable to want some normalcy in our lives.  Both your daughter and Vickie's daughter hold powerfully trump cards in their hands, grandchildren.  That makes it so much harder for you both.  As the sibling with no children I have witnessed how this influences the grandparents actions.

What Kay Jamison points out in her books  and you gave also pointed is that there is a strong familial linkage in this disease.  If family members don't suffer from BPD they can suffer from other forms of depression.  The best you can do is provide normalcy for your grandchildren and a watchful eye on them in case they develop the disease.  My grandmother had BPD and was hospitalized twice for major stretches.  My nephews have a double whammy genetically because their maternal grandmother has BPD.  I watched my youngest nephew have a meltdown at age five during which he threatened suicide.  Not the five year old drama but two concrete methods of killing himself.  I encouraged his parents to get him help and I continue to watch his behaviors.

As you say there is not enough research about this disease and in fact mental illnesses still carry social stigma today.  All you can do is take those steps forward and ride the backslides.  However you don't have to be the doormat or watch your grandchildren suffer.  Hang in there lady!

Cindi B

Oh, Jeannie!  Oh, hon, I'm so sorry and I certainly understand!  It's horrible and it's crazy, and no one who hasn't lived through it can understand.  I always hesitate to talk about Christie and her "crazy" with other people because 1) they don't understand the long, long complicated history, and 2) they are always full of well-meaning advice that simply does not work!  As I have tried to explain to some, bipolar disorder is DIFFERENT from merely having bad behavior or a temper tantrum or being spoiled (my mother's favorite theory), etc.  You cannot talk someone "down" from a BPD episode.  You cannot talk "sense" to a person with BPD.  You cannot simply ignore a BPD episode either because the BPD person will not let you ignore them.  (Boy, do I recognize the signs!  Your daughter sending you 50 texts screaming at you the only way she can!)

I don't mean to play the my BPD daughter is worse than yours game (which, sadly, isn't one bit funny at all), but I have been through 4 suicide attempts, 2 psychiatric hospitalizations, innumerable drugs and psychologists and psychiatrists, and I don't know how many instances of her screaming at me, calling me a ***** and telling me how much she hates me.  It's horrible, it's real, and I am beginning to believe it never ends.  

I guess the difference between our situations is that my daughter alternates between calling me "*****" and "mommy".  I'm one or the other, but never just "mom".  She's either my baby and NEEDS me (I'm only here to serve her needs, don't you know?), or she's my enemy and would just as soon see me dead.  There's no middle ground.  

And, yes, if it wasn't for the grandchildren, I would just walk away from her and all her ****  In fact, Butch and Carrie and I were all to that point 6 years ago when she called to tell us that she was pregnant.  A small part of me has always suspected that she got pregnant on purpose because she sensed the coming rift and knew the only way to hang on to all of us was to have a child.  

Well, enough of that.  What I mean to say, dear Jeannie, is that I love you and I understand, and I hurt for you like a sister.  I hope things calm down soon.

Vic,

My daughter has never, to my knowledge, tried to commit suicide, but she spent several years so strung out on drugs that I was so afraid she would overdose and die or pass out and someone would kill her.  She ran with a bunch of meth heads and that is why I had custody of Mathew for so long.  I think her doing Meth was her self medicating to try and fight the anxiety and depression...But, then she would go so manic that she would talk a million miles an hour and just go go go and she got so skinny that she did look like death warmed over. I don't think she is doing Meth but I do think she is manic as hell and that causes her to act impulsively.  You and I could probably write a damn good book on how to survive bipolar kids but while we cannot ignore their behavior or run from them or do any of those things that we wish we could, there are still those unpredictable moments when they will do something totally off the wall and we have to come up with new strategies to deal with it all.  

My daughter will be 39 in Feb., and she is still as emotionally and financially immature as a young teenager. She spends what little money she has on whatever pleases her and then will get her utilities cut off...well, I'm sure you know what I mean.  Damn...sometimes I just wish that I could walk away and never look back but, like you, we are forever tethered to them through our grand babies.  Hopefully, our daughters' acute BPD conditions will stabilize for a while and give us some much needed rest.  We can dream, can't we? 

Sorry for the daughter woes, Jeannie. Feel free to vent. You can friend me on Facebook, too. I think you're right to just close her off.