Monday Monday

Good Morning. Be right back.

I'm back.

I had such a wonderful text conversation with Franklin this morning.  We were sending Emojis to each other.  It was so much fun.  It started with Colleen and I texting.  Then, he sent a bunch of jibberish.  I sent a smiley face, and we went back and forth with animals, faces, planes, bugs.  I could picture him finding them, and sending them.  

I made my Italian breakfast burritos yesterday.  Now, I have a kitchen full of dirty pans, bowls, and other stuff.  Argh.  I have 16+ breakfasts in the freezer now.  Never did get to the laundry in the bedroom.  I will get to that this afternoon.  I have to clean the kitchen first.

I have more cooking to do as well.  Today, it will be split pea soup.  That doesn't take too many pots and pans.

Must scoot.

Love,

Trish

Good Morning Trish!

Sounds like fun with the texting with your grandson! Geez, they learn this stuff so early! But how sweet he was searching out pics he associated with you. Those kids are so cute, and so lucky to have you!

Same with Vickie and her grandkids and Pita on the way. Those baby shoes on FB were the cutest thing I've seen in awhile...I always enjoyed having 3 girls and then Jazz to dress up!. The bears are so adorable, too!

The past several days have been busy. Jim got his van...the dealer actually delivered it personally from NE Philly...there are kind ppl in this crazy world! He has been busy cleaning out his old van and setting up the new one....the stuff that accumulates in our cars! I decided to detail my car and hand wa**** myself in the driveway since he was doing such a super job with his...lol!

Kelly and I took Jazz to get a couple more school outfits...I hate this dribble-drab shopping, but it's what I need to do for now. We had a good time and then my youngest joined us and we all went out for lunch. She came back to the house afterwards...Jazz was spending the night w/her mom, and we hung out...girltalk, etc. She wound up going to 'take a nap' and never got up until Saturday morning! Jim made us breakfast and then she detailed and washed her car...while I supervised...lol!

We have 3 of the cleanest cars in the state!

Jim and I hung out the rest of the weekend together watching NASCAR (ugh!) and my pre-recorded Criminal Minds.

We also moved a bush from our front garden a little further down to make room for a new plant. Gotta love my man who detests yard work and will make every excuse in the book to get out of it! When I showed him what I wanted to do his 1st response was 'you can move that bush...the roots are too deep!' Well, I said, let me dig it out as much as I can, then we can tie it to the car and pull it out! Oh no, he says, that will tear up the plant and MY car! So after quibbling for a few I said: 'I have the perfect solution...get the riding lawnmower and we can use that to pull it out!' He knew he was out of excuses, and it worked! Now I have my front garden set up the way I have wanted since we moved here...finally!

Today I am back on the job hunting track. I had found a job I really wanted driving ppl to medical appointments. I found the listing on Craigslist and they wrote me back asking me if I would pass the criminal and driving background checks. I wrote back saying I would, and have heard nothing back from them. So I just wrote a 2nd response. I really hate the 'new' way of applying for work. But I guess I need to get in the 21st century...

Hope all are doing well...Trish w/bronchitis, Eileen w/the fatigue and chronic pain, Jeannie w/the MS associated symptoms and our poor Connie with the pain and depression...such a vicious circle! And Vickie I know your shoulder was bothering you and Mary wore herself out raking. I can't rake for that long...my stamina has just not returned!

So I'll sign off and get back to work...just wanted to make sure I stopped in!

Love to all!

Hello everyone...just  quick note to let you know I am okay.

I have had chronic pain and depression for a very long time. My mental health team has agreed that I am suffering more from grief then depression. They don't think I ever once left enough time for myself to grieve. I have never really grieved over the loss of Chuck. My best friend...my Rock...died in his sleep. We were best friends since we were 15 years old. Then after Butch's death and my grieving for Vickie and her family there was another friend that lost her husband from a heart attack. The next two weeks I lost three other friends,two from accidents, one from taking his own life. Two weekends ago another friend was killed riding his Harley and hit a deer.

Then there was my sister who I lived with because I couldn't find housing I could afford when I moved back from living in Iowa. One winter night she kicked me out. To this day I still don't know why. She refuses to mention it. I had no place to go so I ended up staying for 9 months with Pam. She is a huge hoarder!! I could hardly walk around that apartment. I slept in a recliner across from a litter box. I am very allergic to cats!! There was so much dust I was sick all the time. I hated living there but had no choice. Then I came to this apartment. I am now grieving all the things I have lost as far as my ability to drive, to walk without a walker, not being able to shop for myself, going to funerals, weddings and such!! My life made a 360 degree turn around. I miss so many things, wedding, graduations etc., as I have no energy to attend anything. I can't do the things I once did because of chronic pain.Then I ended my relationship with Pam who was my BFF. She was so controlling and so angry all the time. Then I gave up my relationship with Tony. I couldn't any longer deal with his issues. It was poisoning me. 

So you see I have a lot to work on. My therapist said people deal with grief their own way. I chose to stuff it. Not a good choice. It has all come out and it is very debilitating. With help from my mental health team I hope to learn how to deal with each loss and hopefully get myself back.

Sorry this is so long. I want you to understand why I am away and how hard it is for me to do anything. I am sure there are those that think I am being weak and whiny.(I know who you are) That I need to just put it away as it is in the past. Well I can't do that anymore then I can completely put away the sexual abuse I endured in most of my childhood. I stuffed that and ended up in treatment for years. I am a very sensitive person and caring person. So much has happened in a not very long period of time. My therapist thinks I am doing very well considering. I can't agree with her as of yet. I will keep listening to her and doing as she asked. 

I will be here as I can. This will be all I can do today.

I love you all...sending Prayers.....Hugs to all....connie d 

Hey Connie!

Just wanted to stop in and send you a cyber hug after reading your post. You are dealing with so many difficult issues no wonder you are in a funk.

They say God never gives us more than we can handle, but I know he tests our limits at different times in life.

What you describe is tough for most, but when you suffer from depression it is so much harder. I used to go with Jim to see his therapist when he first got diagnosed with major depression. The therapist pointed out that for Jim...a depressed person...getting thru a hard situation was like pulling a 50 pound wagon uphill. It takes more effort and time to get thru something...if able to do so at all.

I know how hard he...and my daughter...struggle with their depression. In many ways I think they are stronger than those who don't fight this fight.

Kind of like Jim with his prosethic leg and being in a wheelchair. Ppl assume he is weak. But they better watch out if they cross him bc the upper body strength he has developed as a result of having to use his arms have made him strong enough to deliver a proper ass whooping if necessary.

So continue to build on your strengths, dear Connie, and this too shall pass. The grief will always be there as a reminder of how deeply you loved bc you do have a big heart, but it will pinch less and less over time.

I am rooting for you...we all are???

Connie, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Grief is a horrible thing.  Losing dear friends is just as devastating as losing a husband or "significant other".... and you've lost so many loved ones in a short time.  I so wish I lived nearby....I'd be knocking at your door with a pot of soup in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other -- your choice!!  And even when we are surrounded by other people, we can feel so alone.  I hope your mental health team can help you work things out. In the meantime, take care of yourself and continue working towards resolution.  

Remember, you are loved here and we all wish you well.

Mary

Sweet Connie,

I certainly do not think you are weak and whiny.  With every thing you listed, it makes sense that you are struggling with grieving, and depression.  It's as if you were bombarded with loss.  I experienced a mini-version of it when my baby brother died nine years ago in October, and then 16 months later, my older brother died.  Both were sudden, and involved being called to the emergency room.  I was so rattled, I didn't have the courage to tell my kids, long distance.  I called my ex, and had him make the calls.  Instead of grieving, I relapsed with my drinking for two years.  I understand about stuffing those feelings.

One of the things I had to do was tell God how angry I was that He took both my brothers.  My prayers involved yelling, crying, and asking why over and over.  I was angry that my father died when I was 19, then my husband left in 2001, then both my brothers.  All the men in my family were gone, except my sons.  My friend, Ruth taught me that it's okay to be angry at God.  I had a hard time wrapping my head around that.

I also journal a lot.  A lot of what I write are like letters to God.  I think things through better while I write.

If you need to, tell God you're angry.  Not just the loss of loved ones, but also the loss of your mobility, and independence.  I only spent six weeks not being able to drive, and living with my mother, and I was so miserable I couldn't think straight.  I understand that feeling, and will be there for two months after my surgery next week.  But, I have the knowledge that mine is not permanent.  I don't know how I'd feel to be in your shoes, with no independence, and no hope of ever having it again.

I love you, and want you to know I think you are one of the strongest, bravest woman I know.  

Love,

Trish

Connie, I remember all your problems when you moved back to St. Cloud. I often wonder if moving away from St. Cloud was the start of some of your problems. I know you loved being with Gracie, but you had problems down in Iowa. And since returning, you've had more problems. I know we all wish we could do more to help you. You are  our heart.  We all love you. Anything we can do for you, just ask. 

Morning sistas! I am in Waco today. Long story. Carrie and the baby are fine. Problem with the dogs.  Will text later.

Hi Trish and my OFF family:

Sorry I've been AWOL. Busy on the weekend. It just wears me out. I'm so tired. I wanted to get up and go to the Y this morning, but I just couldn't get out of bed. Really tired. 

I read most of the weekend posts. Judy, glad to hear your son is OK; sorry to hear about your sister. 

Vickie, hope this week isn't too hard. 

I just have work. It's been busy but not too bad. Saturday was a pain. Got done on time but still felt stressed out. The only thing really hurting me is my left shoulder.

It's really gloomy out, too, and only 50 degrees. Might be time for a winter coat because by the time I go home it's going to be in the 30s.

Such is my exciting life. At least today is my Friday. I know we have a late football game. Hope it's over on time.

Have a good day.