Foggy Tuesday

Good morning sweet sistas,

Sorry, but I just never could get into the right frame of mind to post yesterday. Yesterday just really didn't go all that well, actually. Nothing major happened. I just couldn't seem to get anything done. I did take Mom for a haircut. I have not yet found a salon here that I want to try. So yesterday we went to Super Cuts. Never again. I HATE my haircut. I've simply got to find a stylist here.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with the weight of the world pressing in on me. I've got to make a list of things that need to be attended to, and then I've got to follow through on dealing with those things. Some are large, some are small, but they are all hanging fire over my head. Enough. I feel like I can't draw a deep breath today there's so much pressure.

Woke up crying this morning. That seems to be happening a lot right now. The only good thing is that the bouts of crying are not lasting as long now. People make that analogy between waves and grief. They say the waves get smaller and farther apart. I don't know about that. It seems to me that anytime I get left alone, my thoughts turn to Butch and the sadness and grief return. This sure is a hard road to walk.

I did get to have a good visit with my Carrie last night. She called and we talked for an hour. The baby is moving a LOT now. And Carrie has had a brief respite from the nausea the past couple of days. Maybe it's finally, finally passing.

Well, it's almost 8 a.m. and time for me to start dealing with business. I have many phone calls to make this morning. And a sink full of dirty dishes to wash.

Love you all!

Good Morning Vickie and OFF,

Vickie, I'm sorry you had a rough day yesterday, and that you are still having those crying episodes. You had a great marriage, and a deep love. That is so rare these days. That makes your loss all the more painful. But, you have a deep faith in the Lord, and He has promised to be your Comforter. He loves you, and understands your pain. God will get you through this. You have us to help you through this. Plus, you have your daughters, and Munchkins, and little Pita to help you as well. When my brother Neil died, my daughter had just found out that she was pregnant with Izzy. She told me the night of his viewing. Knowing she was on her way gave me the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I believe that Izzy was sent by the Lord to be the angel our family needed to help Mom, and the rest of us move forward. I believe Pita is that angel for you, and your family. We love you.

I am going back to the bead shop with Colleen in a little while. The toggle on my bracelet came off, and I need them to put it back on. Colleen is upset about it. I'm less upset. I don't let things like that dampen the joy I had with the kids while we designed and made it.

I need to work on some bookkeeping stuff, and then plant some bulbs, after I go into town.

Love you all.

Trish

Tri****hink if it were not for the boys and Pita I would just give up. As it is, every time I think about giving up I remind myself of my babies and I try again. But truly, some days I feel like I could just lie down and wait for the Lord to take me home. I know physical pain is hard to endure and hard to live with, but I think this is worse. It is always right there waiting to grab me by the throat. Sigh. Hard not to wallow in grief and self pity, but I must try. Thank you for your friendship and understanding.

Sweet Vickie,

I have experienced tons of emotional pain. Not the pain of losing a spouse to death, but loss and other emotional pain none the less. I have also experienced physical pain, such that I never dreamed of. Chronic pain, as well as extreme pain, like the kind that put me in the hospital for two weeks before surgery on my leg a few years ago. I believe you are right that emotional pain is worse than the physical.

I am glad that you keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's okay to cry. God understands those tears. So do we. Like everyone has said, grief comes in waves. Sometimes it's a tidal wave that feels like the ones that destroy land, and people. But then it ebbs, and goes away. While it i****ting, it does feel unbearable, and we feel like giving up. Some people do. I am so grateful you don't.

Love you.

Emotional pain is the worst...it envelopes you and also causes physical unease, anxiety, nausea, the difficult feelings of loneliness, sadness, unworthiness...it goes on and on. Obviously the members on this forum know the pain of loss. Sometimes the best medicine for that pain is having another her person listen and hold your hand. Since we are all so far away the hand holding is virtual, but we are here. I think that it is hard to do healthy things when you are depressed, but we do, one foot in front of the other. My favorite mantra is "be brave, be brave..." Accept the caring of others...they want to give it.

Nothing much going on with me these days. We had rain in CA yesterday which was a big deal. Snow in the mountains always gives us hope for the end of our drought. It is so severe that it will take many snowstorms to be normal but anything is welcome. Today I have a color and cut appointment. Someday I will succumb to the gray but not this year.

I wanted to say something serious on the forum. I don't always respond to people here and I want to be honest and tell you why. I am always juggling whether my comments will be helpful. I don't want to reinforce unhealthy behavior which is easy to do. I also don't want to be uncaring or harsh... There is the rub. Maybe I am asking for all of us to be emotionally honest and just say it out when we are feeling sad and lonely... Ask for a hug or some nurturing. That is what most of us want in the end.

I am not holier than thou.... I see this in me and that is why I put it out there. My food issues are deeply entwined with my emotional issues. I always think that if I could just fix my brain my weight issues would vanish. Sometimes I don't think I can even be honest with myself, much less others, but I think that is the key to my success and yours to be honest.

If my ramble is too much for this Tuesday morning just ignore it. It may not be clear to all of you, but then again maybe I'm not the only one that feels this stuff.

Julia

Julia....I hear you...I have the hunger of the past with me now...IN FULL FORCE!!!!!! WHY?? STRESS OF THE FUNNY FARM!!!!!!!!!!! Since we took over I have gained almost 40 pounds!!!! SHAME ON ME!!!!!!!!!! I keep telling myself NOT to buy those chips and those gummy bears...but some how they keep ending up in my cart!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MYSELF for EATING this JUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My stress level is so high at times I could scream bloody murder!!! You are NOT alone!!!!!!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Dear Vickie - I'm feeling the same way. There are days I think I'm old, I've lived a full life, and I'm tired......but then I think of Maura and know she would be devastated if she lost me. A month or so ago, while going through piles and piles of "stuff" I came across one of her old notebook diaries....it only had a few pages, but on one page she wrote about me - how much she loves me and how important I am to her, and how she would be so lost without me. It really touched me. I often regret that she is an "only child" because we do not live near any of my brothers or her cousins. At one time she and I were having a difficult time, and she turned to my brother Stephen, who is a minister. But he has moved to California now. So I carry on, one foot in front of the other.

I am envious of my brothers - they have all been married for years and years. I was married to my husband Mick for 26 years when he passed away suddenly, and was with Jim for 14 years when he passed. I don't like living alone, but I can't envision myself finding another man or living with another man. I just picture myself alone. I struggle with keeping this place up - so much needs to be done. I was hoping Maura's boyfriend Joe would help out - but I get promises but no action, and I can't afford to hire anyone. My husband Mick used to take care of everything, and if he were alive this place would be in tip-top shape.

I know eventually things will get better - but it takes a long time. Stay strong. I look around and realize everyone faces the loss we are facing now. We get through it.....the peaks and the valleys.

Mary

Mary...HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I feel so bad for you!!!! You said you were going to church? If so maybe you could mention to them that you are in need of help at your home. They should have some sort of funding and helpers to do work for people in your situation. My aunt had all sorts of work done on her home. Just a thought. If you are not doing church...what about some senior places in your area? Check it out...there has to be help for you to get your home fixed...free or cheap!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSS

Good morning Vickie and everyone......

Vickie...I am sure the pain of losing your Butch is the worst kind of pain. I just feel so helpless. I so many times wish I could have been there to help in someway and still do feel that way. I feel really bad about that. I want to see you happy but that is a long way off just yet. I think if you wouldn't have had your mom there right away you might have done better. I think it is hard to grieve when there is negativity around you. I am your friend and I do love you very much. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make this all disappear. Considering Butch's death, a new house, ordering furniture, sewing, moving your mom, a garage sale, cleaning out the lake house and all you have done, you have every right to feel overwhelmed. Butch was your love and your comfort. Just go with the flow right now. Don't be so hard on yourself. Crying is good!!

I hope you got your calls made and whatever else you needed to do all done. Take some part of the day and do absolutely nothing!!

Lots of love and many hugs to you...connie d

Hello again....I forgot to add me....

I am doing okay. My Fran will be here in about 45 minutes to take me to run errands and grocery shop.

I want to go walk a little later because it is another sunny beautiful day, temps in the 60s!!

I haven't planned another thing yet for today.

I will check in later if I can.

Everyone have a good day!

Prayers for all our sweet OFF Family and their families. Special prayers for those in need.

Love you all...hugs.....connie d