Feeling Better....

Sorry I've been A.W.O.L. the past few days - trying to work things out in my head.....

The other day it was a month since Jim's passing, and so much going on in my mind. Most of you know we had an "unusual" relationship. Going through his things and paperwork, brought back a lot of feelings. Actually, I should never have allowed the relationship to go on after the first six months or so. But emotions make us do foolish/stupid things. And even though I should have broken it off, feelings developed and I guess you could say it was a "love/hate" thing. Jim was a manipulator - but he did love me. I can say I was the only one, other than his Aunt who died several years ago, that loved him without looking to get something out of it. But I was the giver and he was the taker.

I come across his "Lost in Space" collectibles and I get angry -- in my eyes, a waste of money to buy something and stick it in the closet - when you could use the money toward taxes. Always buying things off E-Bay and Craig's list - then end up selling them for less than you paid. With his disability check, added to my check, if he wasn't buying stupid things, we could have done things - fixed all the broken things around the house (sink, stove, flooring, etc.) and could have gone out and one things like go to Vermont and Cape Cod like he always talked about wanting to do. Out in the shed, I have a Harley he bought. He paid $2,500 for it...Joe is going to sell it for me, and says if I get $1,800 I'll be doing good...which I'll use towards back taxes.

So one minute I'm missing him, then the next thing I'm very angry at him, and then I feel guilty. But, in any case, I have to "get over it".... I had an appointment today with my PCP's Nurse Practitioner, who I was meeting for the first time. She innocently asked me who I lived with, and of course, the tears flowed. Well, she ended up doubling my dose of the anti-depressant I'm on, and setting up an appointment for me with a psychologist. I have Taylor for the whole weekend, so that will lift my spirits.

Thank you all for your support and kind words, etc. This truly is a wonderful group of women - sharing and caring. I will get through this....

Mary

Hi Mary......you can go AWOL on condition you come back to vent and cry. That's what we're here for.

hugs and hankies

Jen

Understandable that you are running the gamut of emotions. I understand your feelings about Jim's collection ... my famly doesn't understand my collection of bobbleheads, either. Sometimes we spend things on stuff others can't understand.

Cry when you need; talk when you want. We're here for you.

Good morning, sweet Mary,

I read your post just now and felt my heart break a bit for both of us. Honey, I do so understand your feelings! None of us are perfect and all of our spouses do things that make us mad or frustrated or perplexed. It's the way of life.

My own sweet husband, whom I loved totally, was a hoarder of all things mechanical. Tools, equipment, old axles, old refrigerators, old trucks, etc. It was a thing we would occasionally fight about when the mess got to be more than I could stand. I was able to control it within the confines of the house (because that was "my territory"), but outside the junk just seemed to blossom and grow. It was a good thing we always lived out in the country and I could insist he hide all that mess in the back pasture.

Anyway, my point is, I totally understand about feeling angry and then feeling guilty. One time (years ago) we were having a fight about all of his junk and what to do with it, and I said, "I know what you're doing. You're just going to leave all this mess for me to deal with after you die!" Oh, Lord, I have thought of that remark so many times this past year. I both regret it and regard it as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because yes, I now have sheds and barns and garages FULL of STUFF, most of which I have absolutely NO IDEA what to do with! Some of it is valuable, some of it is junk, and I don't know the difference. It's a great big pain in the butt, and I don't want to deal with it all, and yes, it makes me mad!

So. You're not alone in your feelings. I imagine my girls will one day look at all of MY stuff and wonder, "What was Mama thinking?" I have tubs and tubs full of yarn and fabric and craft supplies. We all have our stuff that we get attached to and hang on to, long past the time to chuck it. Like Eileen said, she has her bobble heads. Connie has her apples. Judy has her horses. It goes on and on.

So try to forgive Jim for his shortcomings, even though it's easier to be mad about it. He wasn't perfect, and neither were you, and your relationship (like ALL relationships) had its problems, but there was love there. It is no small matter to love and be loved. It makes what you had together have meaning. It is valuable. It was worthy of your time, and your grief is proper and necessary.

Yesterday was three months for me. I am crying a bit less each week now. Death comes for all of us. No matter how hard we fight, there will come a day when it will be our turn. I take comfort in the fact that both my husband and I believe(d) in God and an afterlife. I believe he is in Heaven, pain-free and whole. I miss him like part of my soul is gone. It hurts like hell. I don't like it. But it is the natural order of things. This isn't the life I wanted, but it's the life I've got.

I love you, hon, and I'm glad you came here and posted your feelings. Keep coming back. Never feel guilty for taking time to process your emotions and being A.W.O.L. This group does not keep score. We are here when you are ready.

Mary,

We all greive differently. My sisters still seem to be mad at my parents for the things they did that don't understand. I think, they did the best the could knowing what they knew at the time. I love them for all the good they did for others and especially family.

Your greif journey is uniquely yours because you and Jim were you unique.

I pray you find a way to blend the good, bad,frustration, happiness, and all the other emotions and memories into something you can take forward and build a new life for yourself.

Blessings

Mary...HUGSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!