Personal
I tried posting earlier, but my web browser crashed midpost, and I had to reopen it, and start all over again.
Please, please, please, do not share any of this on Facebook. I really don't want any of my friends there, especially family, knowing how bad I'm struggling right now. I'll explain as I go along.
As most of you know, I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Also, most of you may remember that I was hospitalized for it in 2010, and then transferred to a drug/alcohol rehab from there.
Well, after January 2010, I was incredibly stable. I was making a lot of AA meetings, regularly going to therapy, and always taking my meds as prescribed. Right before I moved here, I broke my right foot, and needed surgery for it. I had already packed for my move, so I had a U-haul packed, and had Sean drive it here, to unload it, along with Colleen, Trent, and a few of his friends. Colleen wasn't happy with that, but my landlord had a tenant ready to move in right after I moved out. I went to live with my sister, with my insane mother caring for me. Living with Mom again, after being independent of her for 38 years, was such a nightmare, I had flashbacks of my teen years, reminding me of why I got pregnant, married, and flew across country at age 18. All in that order.
Right after I moved here, I attended a few AA meetings, but geography and availability of them got in the way. Back in PA, I had several meetings I could walk to, and dozens available within ten minutes of where I lived, all throughout the day, seven days a week. Now, there is only one meeting a week ten minutes from here. The rest are at least 30 minutes away. I started using that as an excuse not to go, so I don't have any AA friends, like back home. I haven't been tempted to drink, yet. But, back home, alcohol is never sold in stores, like it is here. There, it's either in a state owned store, for wine or had liquor, or beer stores, usually attached to bars. Here, it's at gas stations, pharmacies, grocery stores, even the Dollar General carries it. It's way too easy to get here. Right now, I never use real vanilla extract, Nyquil, or regular mouth wash. However, I found out, after the fact, that a homeopathic allergy med, to prevent outdoor allergy issues, contained a small amount of alcohol. I'm so sensitive, the tiniest amount is too dangerous to gamble with. I only read all the ingredients that were in it after I used two bottles of it. It was minute, but I was upset with myself for not being careful and checking it thoroughly first.
The other change was therapy. Because of the nature of my illness, I had been in therapy for a very long time. Because of my trust issues, I only had one therapist, for a very long time. There was one year where my insurance changed, and I had to switch therapists, but that was a disaster. One therapist couldn't remember my first name when I was in the session, and the other moved, after only a few months. I never really connected with either. Then, I got a better insurance, and went back to my first one. When I was planning the move, he and I both were certain I would be fine if I didn't see a therapist, but if I did, I wouldn't be able to go back to him when I went home. I figured I wouldn't consider seeing someone, till today.
Today, I realized I have all the symptoms of depression, except the crying jags. I don't totally isolate, yet, because I don't like missing out on seeing the kids. Since I haven't sunk all the way yet, I feel okay when I'm with them. I don't ever want them to see me that bad. My own kids didn't like when I was that way, plus, Colleen truly doesn't understand it. She understands Mom's Bipolar Disorder, but I've had conversations with her that make it clear she doesn't like talking about mine. The one I clearly remember was about the amount of medication I take, even though three of my meds are for my Bipolar Disorder.
None of my homes have ever been as badly in need of cleaning than mine is now. Close, but still. My grazing has gotten way worse. My physical aches seem more pronounced than they had been. My anxiety level is through the roof. I've lost my temper way more than I had in years. I was even irritable with the kids last week, and that had never happened before. I didn't lose my temper, but I spoke a little harshly the times they were mean to each other, and made each other cry. Then it was three of us being mean to each other. We did talk about it, and we all worked it out, but I was so upset about the whole mess, I didn't tell Colleen about their behavior, which I'm supposed to every time, coz that's how strict they are. She once threatened to not let me watch them if I didn't tell her or Trent about every time the kids misbehave.
She is a real control freak, and I usually just try to not upset her. I think she needs professional help, but her attitude about therapy, and mental illness is so closed minded, I don't dare. It would lead to a scene that I just can't do, especially in front of the kids. Plus, she and Trent think I spoil the kids, which also leads to threats of not letting me watch them. I just want the peace in our relationship we didn't have when she was a child. Back then, it was totally my fault. She was my easiest child to raise, but I was such a ***** of a Mom back then. But, after she started college, she made it clear she couldn't live at home anymore, and spent two summers working out of town, once as an overnight camp counselor, and once on a summer missions trip. I walk on eggshells 90% of our conversations, because she is short with me, or stressed out about something else. I worry about her developing physical symptoms of her OCD control issues. She just refuses to discuss any mental health issues with me, even when I was working in the field. I could discuss, anonymously, any weird behavior of patients, with any other person, including my sons, without a terse comment, but not her. I just avoid the subject.
Other symptoms I have had have been being tired all the time, either going to bed before 9:00 or staying up super late, like tonight. Lately it's been before 9:00. Plus, no matter how well I think I've slept, I wake up tired, and drag my butt all day.
I've missed doctor appointments, even after getting the confirmation call, and having it written in my calendar. I'd either cancel during the confirmation call, or sometime before it. Two weeks ago I totally missed one, and hadn't made the call to cancel. I have never done that before. Last week, I called only hours before one, even though I'm supposed to give 24 hour notice.
I am isolating more. I'm even considering stepping down as the coordinator of the church nursery. I'm not going to quit teaching Toddler Sunday School, and hope I don't ever want to either. Being around children is about the only thing I get enjoyment from.
I stopped volunteering at the zoo, which is okay coz as much as I enjoyed it, handling the animals didn't help my allergies. Even going to the zoo gave me a headache that day, but I was with the kids. I only go to zoos when I'm with my Munchkins, or kids anyway. I love animals so much, I can't ever give that up completely.
I've had more anxiety than ever before. I'm taking all my meds as prescribed, but today was the worst. I changed primary docs because I lost patience with the office where my previous doc was. Loved him hated how the office was run. When I moved here, I started getting my annual gyn exams at my primary doc's office, instead of a gyn. Once less doc to see. Today, I met my new doc, and all day, before going, I had panic attack after panic attack. I was never thrilled the days I was scheduled for the gyn exam back home, even with a gyn doc I was comfortable with. And with him being a new doc shouldn't have phased me, coz when I was an Army wife, or going to Planned Parenthood, when we had no insurance, I always had someone different doing it. Gender had nothing to do it either. But today, I was a mess. To make it worse, but yet good, the doc asked me the patient history questions. Usually I've either filled out a patient history form, or told the medical assistant who takes me to the exam room. Plus, I've never had a doc talk to me, at length, after the exam. To upset me even more, I found out from what they had on me, my last gyn exam, and mammogram, was not in 2014 like I thought it was. It was in 2013. I have never let that happen before. After losing Ruth to breast cancer in February, I was so upset with myself today.
Prior to 2010, I had episodes where I would do self-harm, like cutting. Not to kill myself, but to feel better emotionally. It was a strange sort of good feeling, like the physical pain made me feel better emotionally. Sick, yes, but it's more common than you would think. I had patients in the psych hospital that did it for that reason, and my therapist back home understood that. Today, for the first time since 2010, I even considered it. I made myself think about something else, but that scared me.
Prior to my hospitalization, I would have periods where I would think about dying or suicide, but only ever actually attempted it, once as a teenager, and then in 1981. Since the hospital, I haven't even thought about either, but I fear that feeling with a passion.
I am so sorry this is so long, but I needed to tell someone. I really fear trying to find a new therapist. I had such a terrific relationship with my old one, and such bad experiences with those two, I dread the very idea. Yet, I think it's time I did. The very idea upsets me. I haven't even looked into it.
I have many other symptoms, but this is long enough. Please pray I get the courage to find a therapist, and if I do, he is someone I am comfortable with. I know there are good female therapists. I've worked as a therapist myself. Problem is, I had such a bad experience with the two I already tried, and have always had trouble trusting my sister, and of course, Mom, I'm not sure I can even try to open up with a woman I'm supposed to be more comfortable then them.
If you got this far, thanks for hanging in here.
Love,
Trish
Dear Trish,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Mental illness & addiction run rampant in my family, and I have suffered from depression for years. Almost all my family members have one form of illness or another...diagnosed or undiagnosed...treated or untreated...acknowledged or unacknowledged.
I need to leave to take Jazz's mom for her EGD in a few so I don't have time to respond right now, and honestly I think I will PM you anyhow. I am not comfortable with being real open on the web due to the fact anyone can get ahold of what we post, and b/c I have had really bad experiences in the past of ppl using info against me.
Until I can get back to you please know I care and feel for what you are going though. But 2 things sustain me when I am going thru hard times...'this too shall pass' and the Footprints prayer. I know God has carried me when I could not walk...
Also, reaching out is such a positive sign. But you know that...
Kathy
Trish, I am so sorry you are going through these struggles and hard times. I'm glad you have reached out here -- I fee this is such a safe place to share. No one here will betray you.
I know it's hard to find a good therapist that you "click" with -- I, myself, have not had success in that regard. Once things are resolved with Jim, I will be restarting my efforts in that regard. Last night, I was on the phone with my brother, who is a retired pastor (retired in name only). I am isolated here in MA -- one of the things that Jim helped accomplish -- no friends, no church - I'm even isolated from my family, except for my brother Steve - one person I can talk to. He made the suggestion last night that I seek out a chaplain in the hospital just so I have someone to talk to who will not judge me. Is that something you could consider as a temporary measure until to find a therapist??? Perhaps not at your church -- but at a different church where you are not known? Or could you call a hotline just to be able to vent and release your feelings. I'm not sure what the solution is - could you make contact over the phone with your past therapist to talk about your current situation?? Maybe she would have some recommendations.
Sometimes life SUCKS -- it feels like the hurdles are to high. But no matter how bad things are, I always believe things will get better. It's like w,e have to "pay our misery dues" for a period, then things seem to get better for us. No matter how bad things get, it will get better. Just the fact that your have posted all about these problems, is an indication that you are ready to "make things better". It's time to move forward and take the action you know is necessary. It's going to be difficult but you've accomplished a lot in the past - I have faith you faced the fact that you need to get help now, and you will take the steps that are needed. As Kathy stated, you are not alone, none of us are, truly.
I will keep you in my prayers - Stay strong and be strong.
Mary
HW: 380 SW: 324 GW: 175
Trish-
As Mary pointed out you are aware of the problem and now it's time to seek the solution. I have suffered from clinical depression for years. I have my highs and my lows. We all do. You are not a failure because you are having a low. Take that first step and go for a meeting. Schedule the doctors appointments and go. Find the therapist. You've made the first step by admiting that your going backwards. Now take the next step.
Cindi
Trish: I, too, have a history with mental illness but prefer not to go into it here. I am not sure how to PM you here, is it even possible? Anyway, if you'd like to chat with me you can find me on f/b: Cindy Perez.
It is very brave of you to reach out -- especially when you're in a low spot in life. I know that from experience. I have isolated as well and know how easy it is to slip into that pattern. My experience has been, that even as things have been dire for me, I did the best when I trusted my gut instinct and allowed that to guide me.
I am praying for you and I do hope you look me up on f/b.
God Bless you.
Cindy P.
Cindy and everyone...you can post private replies on here. Go to the MY OH at the top on the page ...right side. Clink on friends and you can leave a message. You will have to be sure the people you post to and receive mail from are friend's of your's on OH. It is very easy.
You just click on the person's picture or name and that will take you to their Page.....it says request friend...send the request and they will answer you.
Good luck!! connie d
I pray you find a new therapist. After reading your post, my heart breaks for you. I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I am 67 and had it since I was 17. I did start taking medication for it when I was 42 and it was decided that this was a disease. If anyone wants to chat on FB my name is Arlene Guarnieri.
