Thursday update

Good morning family and friends. We have now been here for 21 days. Every night I go to sleep thinking, "Will tonight be the night?" Every morning I wake up wondering, "Will today be the day?" So yes this is a really tough position to be in, but it's only tough for me. It is not tough on Butch. You must believe me about that. He is peaceful and has none of the horrific pain he suffered for so many months. When he is awake and aware, he is still smiling and happy to see us. He has some confusion about where he is and why, but I just explain it all to him and he relaxes again. There were some changes yesterday. His hands and feet are noticeably cooler. This is part is the physiology of the dying process. The body is preserving the vital organs; the extremities are less important. His blood pressure is always low in the mornings (but then bounces back in the evenings). Also, and this is the part I find most telling, he said that Mamaw was talking to him yesterday morning. I can tell you from personal knowledge that several of my family experienced a similar phenomenon just before death. One of my cousins saw a favorite uncle just before he died. Another cousin (who was a child) told my aunt that "something white came and sat on her bed" the morning that she died. I firmly believe that Butch did hear Mamaw encouraging him and that she is waiting to help him make that final journey to heaven. Tough to think about and yet so comforting at the same time. I will keep you all updated as I can. Yesterday was an unusually busy day and I just never had the time to type out an update on this tiny keyboard. But I will certainly let y'all know if there are any significant changes today. Love you all.

Dear Vickie, We all wish that we could do more to help you, but most of us are so far away. All we can do is pray for your family and hold you up in our thoughts.  When I lost my son 29 years ago, two days before he was officially pronounced brain dead, a sense of peace came all over me and I knew that now I could face anything. I feel it was him letting me know that everything was going to be OK and that he was out of pain. They did several brain scans the next couple of days and finally disconnected him from the respirator and his heart stopped a few minutes later. But I knew he was already in heaven and he was alright. All I remember is the calm that came over me at that time. I am sure Butch will let you know also when he leaves for heaven and you already know that his Mother is waiting for him there. Love and Hugs to you and your family.

Vic,

Having Butch there where the nurses can take care of him and keep him as pain free is possible has to be a relief to you and the girls.  The final phase of dying does go quickly, if that is any comfort. As Butch's time approaches, I only hope that he slips quickly and peacefully and it sounds as if that is the direction that he is going and the way that it will end.  I wish they could bring you a more comfortable sleeping device.  And, I am so happy that someone is always with you...that makes all the difference.  I believe that spouses and parents who are sitting with their loved ones are the one thing that anchors the dying to this world and for some reason the energy of holding on can take so much from the anchor....so having others around you provides you with the strength you need to hold him here as long as he needs to be held but when you have to let go, you will need their strength even more.  My thoughts, like always, are with you and the girls.

Vickie, I am relieved to know that Butch is pain free, and seems to be at peace, even though he may be confused at times.  I'm glad you have someone with you, to give you the emotional strength and energy, as well as occasional short breaks for fresh air, and sleep.  You need that.  I continue to pray, and I firmly believe that his Mamaw, and the Lord, are waiting for him to make the final transition.

Love you.

Vickie-

You will be in my thoughts today as usual.  I am happy that Butch is pain free and that you were able to find a place that gives him such wonderful care.  Throughout this whole process I have been amazed at the grace that you and Butch convey to all of us.  Your focus on educating us on the process of death just amazes me.  I have not had a friend or family member who has had such illness that resulted in a slow death so this is a life lesson for me.  I appreciate your candor and ability to communicate despite the pain you must be experiencing.  So with that said I will continue to keep you both in my thoughts.

Cindi B.

Hello again sweet sistas,

I have escaped to the little park I found for a brief respite while Carrie is still here this morning.  I just wanted to add a bit more to this morning's update.  The doctor came in and Butch was still sleeping (a little over 12 hours at that point) and Dr Ruiz told me that Butch might not wake up again.  But he also added that his heartbeats were strong and regular.  Carrie and i began to discuss how it might be a blessing if Butch just stayed asleep and passed over quietly.  Then not 10 minutes later Butch was wide awake and talking again!  So incredible. I always knew my husband was strong but he is amazing everyone here at hospice. Sadly though there can be no other outcome for him at this point and we all know this is just a waiting game. Still I can't help feeling so much pride in my husband. He is one for the record books! 

Dear Vickie: 

i read every day like others here. We are amazed at Butch's amazing strength, and I see from your postings that you are still making good memories together despite the despair and sadness marking his end of life. 

Big hug

jennifer

Hi Vickie....you are right...Butch is truly one for the record books...you are right about that....I think the same about you!! 

I am glad you got to get away to the little park this morning. I truly believe it is a special little place just for you. I feel comfort knowing you are there. 

Butch has a strong heart and a loving heart. He doesn't want to leave you anymore then you want to let him go. I know you are doing okay and you will accept what is coming graciously as always. Enjoy all the little times together. I know you are always holding Butch's hand and holding him. He has no doubt of the love you share. He knows you are there just for him. Your girls are too. I just love you all!!!! 

Take this day an hour at a time...savor every moment. I am so happy that Butch hasn't had pain to deal with. You have him right where he should be. He is getting amazing care and so are you and the girls. GOD BLESS each one of you.

Keeping those prayers coming...as I always say...it just doesn't feel like enough. I am here for you and your family at anytime!

I love you my sweet Vickie.  Keep hanging in there. You are a doing everything just right!!! 

So much love and many hugs to you all....connie d

Vic, my mother, as you know, died when I was just a little girl.  I remember every day, my older sister picking me up at school and us driving to the hospital where we sat by my mother's bedside.  While in the hospital, they were able to keep her clean and dry, something I couldn't do living at home (all my older siblings were married so my mom, little sister, and I were home alone until they took her to the hospital), and they kept her pain under-control. Over the few days after entering the hospital, she slipped into and out of a coma and finally, a day or so before she died, she began fading and then there were no more words. I remember, leaving her room when the smell of death and the sadness of watching her struggle for air became too much and because I was so young, I couldn't just wonder about by myself, but I found this place in the waiting room and there was this picture of a mountain and a waterfall and I would sit in the chair opposite the picture and think about being there and remember my mom when she was whole.  I remember feeling so guilty for being away from her and the fear of what if she dies while I'm gone or what if she comes to and I am not there, so I would head back to her room and enter with quietness and watch her breathe and count...one, two, three, and then she would breathe.  years and years later, my best friend's mother was dying of a very similar disease as my mother and I was sitting with her, holding her hand and listening to her mother breathe and I caught myself counting and I said to my friend, I am so sorry that you are going through this and she said, don't be...I had my mom all these years and I am so thankful for all these years and you had your mom for such a short time and in her grief and in those last few moments of her mother's life, she had this incredible perspective of life that most of us don't have until long after we lose someone...I see you with that same perspective and I admire you so much for it.  Stay in the park and rest...rest your heart and rest your spirit...if he passes while you are not there, you know that he knows that you have been there and you have stood by him to the end. When you get through this, I sure hope you continue to write and put all this down for your grandbabies to read some day.  It will be important for them to know how strong Butch was but more important, how strong you were.

Vickie, I hope he will pass quietly, but who knows? He may be fighting passing for some unknown reason ... something he feels he has left undone, unsaid, someone he hasn't seen or talked to in awhile. You are in my thoughts.