Happy Friday In Cold Rainy Chicago!!!
Hello sweet sistas!
I'm not home very often, so let me type fast while I have the computer keyboard this morning. Carrie spent the night with Butch last night, and so I have had TWO nights at home in a row, since Chris spent night before last. I sure did need the rest. I was worn out.
I really don't know what to tell y'all about Butch's condition. He seems to be in a holding pattern. None of the hospice personnel can tell me much about it either. Yes, he is on a tremendous amount of pain killers in order to control the pain. And yes, they seem to have to increase the amount of morphine almost daily to keep him comfortable. The cancer is eating away at his bones and the bone pain would be absolutely unbearable without the drugs, so for this I am so thankful.
He doesn't eat much. The hospice people tell me this is normal as the disease progresses. It is the body's way of shutting down. It isn't possible for him to eat much. And if I were to force it, the food would only lie around in his gastric system, making him feel ill. At least that's what they say. It seems I have to trust them, since I really don't know.
But when he is awake, he is lucid and thinking. Again, for this I am grateful. It's just that he sleeps so much of the time. I am thinking that one day he will just go to sleep and not wake up again.
Well, that's very depressing to write, but can I tell you that in some ways I am anxious for that day to arrive. Not that I want him to leave. Oh, God, I want him to stay as long as possible with me. But--and here is where I sound very selfish, but ironically, I mean this in the most UNselfish way possible--I am so ready for this to be over. I know my husband. He is NOT happy being like this. In fact, he said the other day that there's nothing left to do but get the shotgun. Oh, I fussed at him for saying that! But I understand, too. He would never choose to be bedridden and in pain and unable to do the things he loves. He would not want to linger on for months like this. And I just have to believe that he most certainly choose a quick and easy passing. Unfortunately, none of us get to choose for ourselves how we will go. And therein lies the rub, as Shakespeare said.
Well, I need to get a shower and get back to the hospice house. Oh, sistas, how I am dreading it. Now I AM being selfish when I say how much I have enjoyed these few precious hours at home. I needed them!
Yesterday I left the hospice house and went shopping for awhile. Carrie was with Butch, so I knew it was okay for me to take some "me" time. I hit about 4 furniture consignment stores, just poking around, and sure enough, I found the ideal china buffet that I've been hoping for. It's Thomasville dark cherry and it matches my dining room table. I bought it on the spot! But I feel callous and frivolous to be shopping for furniture while my husband lies dying. On the other hand, I might shop for months and months before finding another one. I couldn't afford to buy new, you see, and I do need one so desperately in this new house. But I feel slightly ashamed for celebrating something as inconsequential as a new piece of used furniture at a time like this.
I did want to post the picture of our family from a couple of days ago. My SIL took it and I treasure it so much. I posted it on FB, but I wanted to be sure and share it here with my OFF family. Look at how peaceful Butch's face is! I am so thankful that we found this hospice house. I can't imagine what a nightmare our life would have been this past week without them.
Love you all!
Vickie
Dear Sweet Vickie: My mother had Alzheimer's. She had broken her neck in a fall a few years earlier and had bone-on-bone pain from that injury. Towards the end of her life, we brought in Hospice. They were a godsend. I remember feeling much the same things you described in your post. She would be very close to passing and then rally again (my mother-in-law did the same thing). Finally, though, the times when she'd be unresponsive happened more and more and lasted longer. I can recall feeling that she wouldn't want to live like she was and there was a great feeling of relief when she finally passed. I had a feeling of joy that she was no longer in pain and that in Heaven, her body and mind were whole and she was free of all the things that had plagued her in life. She is with the Lord and I am so thankful about that. I know I will be with her again one day and that gives me great peace.
Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty about what you may be thinking and feeling now and in the weeks to come. The end-of-life journey is different for everyone. My father-in-law had a massive heart attack and died on the spot. My mother and mother-in-law had much longer journeys. It sounds like Butch is ready for his suffering to over and who could blame him? I know the hardest part is to watch a loved one's life dwindle in size -- especially when they used to live a larger than life sort of life. My mother was a firecracker and had a great spirit. It was difficult for me to see her life shrink in size and to watch her lose so much.
Take solace in the fact that soon Butch will be with the Lord in Heaven and free of all the pain and suffering he is enduring now and the fact that you will be together again. Give yourself the same leeway that you would give others who find themselves in the same spot that you are now.
I am glad that you and Butch have had a wonderful, full life together. I'm sorry that it will be ending here on earth but am happy in the knowledge that you will have eternity together in Heaven.
God Bless you.
Cindy P.
Dear sweet Vickie...I keep saying it and I will say it again....what a wonderful picture this is of your family!! A real favorite of mine!!
How wonderful that you have been able to spend a night in your own bed. It was great that the girls were around to do that for you! I hope it really helped.
Butch seems to be going through the phases. Don't you every apologize for the way you feel!! I can understand this completely as I have gone through this quite a few times. There just comes a time when we all just seem to hit that spot that we wi**** would end. We are so worn down and nothing we do can make it any better. You know we aren't here to judge you. You can say it all here and we will listen and understand. You are not thinking anything that many of us have already felt. We love you and are here when ever you need us.
Don't feel bad about the shopping either. You need some of that as it is therapeutic. I am glad you found just what you wanted.
Prayers for Butch, you and all your family!! 
More prayers...love...and hugs to you...connie d
You are doing as well as anyone can in the situation you find yourself. You are not selfish, you are doing self care, which is critical as you and Butch go thru these steps of your journey and Butch's journey continues to a place of peace woth no pain where he can watch over you and the girls.
You are in my prayers.
From Arlene G
Dearest Vicki, please don't feel guilty for your feelings. A terminal illness is so difficult for the sufferer; cancer causes so much pain and agony for the person suffering from this horrible disease. It also causes anguish and exhaustion for the people witnessing their loved one suffer.
Don't feel guilty for any of your feelings. You and your family love and adore Butch, and he adores all of you. I am sure he is so tired of the unbearable pain. This is indeed one of the most cruel diseases there is.
Please know that we love you and pray with and for you and your family. God bless.
Arlene G.
Vickie Don't beat your self up. Don't feel guilty for doing the things that come in the normal course of living. Remember you will be here after your beloved husband has passed on to a more peaceful place. You will need to carry on with your life. and Butch would want you to do that. prayers for you and your family continue to rise from our house.. What a beautiful family picture!
Vickie, I love this photo. I also just saw the video of Butch with his grandson. Sweet.
I just read something in AARP that said you shouldn't put the birthdate in an obit because people look for obits to find birthdates to look for social security numbers to steal. Just a thought.
And as far as going shopping, I don't think you should feel guilty. You need some time for yourself. It's the only way you will get through this. Even if it's an hour shopping for furniture. Or 15 minutes having coffee away from everyone.
