Sunday It Is!

Hello sistas!  I'm back!  Chris and the boys are STILL here, and it's now 2 p.m.  I think she thinks she's helping me.  (What I would really like is for her to go home, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.)  Anyway Budder is down for a nap, so they'll be here awhile longer.

I get up, do a little, and then have to lie back down.  

I would really like to start making some headway with these boxes.  Somehow I never envisioned it taking this long when we moved last month!  

Butch ate a pancake and a lil sizzler sausage for breakfast today.  I was amazed.  But he's not shown much interest in anything else today.  

Well, I got my new furniture for the back porch yesterday and now I want to order the foam to make the cushions!  I love my porch!  I spend a lot of time out there.  Mostly to escape from Butch and Mom!  LOL!  Y'all don't know how much I wish I could just sit and sew and crochet and play in my flowers.  Instead there are all these constant demands for my time and attention and care.  I sound so selfish.  These are the people I love more than anyone in the world and all I want to do is escape.  I find myself wishing I could be alone, and then I tell myself I'd better be careful what I wish for!  I will wind up that way and then I'll be sorry.

Another big week coming up.  Have to take Mom for her surgery on her skin cancer on Tuesday morning.  Chris has that day off, so she'll come and stay with Butch while I take mom to the surgeon's office.  

Then on Wednesday afternoon, Butch and I have to go down to Houston.  Butch has doctor's appointment and chemo on Thursday.  We'll have to stay through Friday afternoon so that he can have that Neulasta shot and his first IV infusion, but then I have it set up so that we can come back Friday evening, and he can get his next two infusions on Sat/Sun here locally.  At least I think I do.

Benny has his graduation from preschool Friday night, but I'm sure I won't get to go.  Carrie is coming down for it, and she and Mom will get to go, but I'll probably be enroute from Houston to San Antonio.

So then Carrie will be here for the weekend again.  It's just a never ending revolving door around here.

The following week, my best friend since 1st grade will be coming down to San Antonio for a wedding, and she wants to stop by, but honestly I'm am just so overwhelmed by everything and everyone at this point, I can't imagine trying to have company over.  I know she would understand, but it just sends me into panic attack mode right now.  Everything sends me into panic attack mode right now.  

I'm nervous and jumpy and I feel like I could burst into tears at any minute--and sometimes I do.  It's most annoying and not at all like me.  Maybe it's the side effects of some of this medication I'm taking.  All I can think about it being alone.  Everyone and everything just GO AWAY and leave me alone.  I feel like I can't regain my equilibrium with all this chaos constantly swirling around me.

I know.  I sound pathetic.  I sound like I need counseling.  I probably do.  But when the hell would I find the time to do it?  I just have to hang on.  In all likelihood it won't be that much longer and I will be alone.  And then I'll regret having these thoughts.

Oh, I so didn't plan to get on here and indulge in a fit of self-pity.  Forgive me.  This is the one place where I don't feel I have to be strong all the time.  

Love you all!

Vickie, it sounds like you may need to discuss the panic and tears with the doc, and maybe get your meds adjusted.  It also sounds like you need some sort of respite care there.  Care giving nonstop does take its toll on everyone.

Love you.  Stay out on your porch as much as you need to.

Trish...like minds.    I agree with you.

Vic,

I really think you should call your doctor and maybe either get on medication for panic and stress or if you are already taking something get it adjusted.  You have had some major changes starting with Butch's retirement and then your infection after surgery, and then cancer, and it just has been one huge thing after another on top of the way the men in your daughters' lives have acted.  And, now you have moved and have added your mother to your household....girl, I don't know anyone who could stand firm and strong through even half of that so please take care of yourself and get medication and take a mental day or two to just be by yourself. I know you feel like taking a day or two off by yourself would seem selfish but there is coming a time when you are going to have to be extra strong for Butch, your girls, and even your mom so take the mental health day now and get rested up.....If I had time, I'd run down there and have a girls day with you....Call a friend and go get a massage and get your nails done...do something that will pamper you...take care of you.  

Hello again Vickie....you are not indulging in self pity....good grief woman....look what you are going through. Butch's time is getting closer...who wouldn't be crying. Your emotions must be all over the place. All the demands on an average life can send us in tailspins....you are really hanging in there tight. You aren't letting anyone down. You are starting the grieving process. Let your self cry...it is healthy for you. Your feelings of running away and wanting to be alone is because of what is all around you. You know you wouldn't leave them. It is just what is to come is so hurtful and causes you pain in your heart. That will wear you down too. Now rest as you can. To hell with the damn boxes!! Take care of you!! Where would everyone be without you? It is a huge weight to carry around. Take time as you need it. Your mom lived alone....she can take care of herself. You do a wonderful job with Butch and that is your main goal right now. Getting upset and thinking things you know you wouldn't say or do anyway is just a release of the pain you feel. Let it go. Don't dwell on the should haves. I am here at any and all times. You know you can bounce anything off me. Not one person here is judging you in anyway. We all are in awe of all you do...you amaze us all the time. We surround you in love every day!!

Have I told you lately how proud I am of you and how much I cherish you? Well..more then all the stars in the skies!! I love you and you mean the world to me.

Hang in there...you have a lot of things running through your head...be nice to yourself. If you don't want company then don't have company. If she is a best friend she will totally understand.

Love and prayers, and gentle hugs....connie d

Vickie -- picture yourself in a movie theater, watching the Butch and Vickie movie...... Do you know what you would be saying?   Probably:  That Vickie better take care of herself or she is just going to drop one day.  You would be shouting at the screen:  "There are agencies to call for help -- get a respite worker in so Vickie can take a day off once or twice a week because she is tired and run down and will not be able to last much longer"

Please don't get upset with me for saying this Vickie -- I'm just afraid for YOUR health.  You have been shouldering this burden for a long time.  I know you love Butch and your Mom, but you are not Superwoman.  There is help available for you -- please take it.  It's not weakness to seek help, rather it is the wise thing to do.  What would happen to Butch and your Mom if YOU ended up in the hospital?  You are not getting enough rest, you are not eating properly, you have overcome with stress.

It's ok to tell me to mind my own business and shut up about it -- you know that we say these things because we love you and we are concerned.

Stepping down from the soapbox now....  

Prayers and good wishes to all.

Mary