Middle of the night musings

Hello!  It's me again, Margaret!  LOL!

I'm up because I just can't lie in bed any longer.  I swear to God, every single thing in my head hurts, including my teeth!  No joke!  It's to the point where I'm reaching inside my mouth and massaging my teeth and gums, trying to get some relief.  

So, I got up.  For some reason it seems to be worse when I'm lying down.  

I'm going to be honest with y'all: I can deal with stress and a tremendous work load and unending drama, but health stuff?  Forget it!  I am in constant awe of you sweet sistas who deal with health issues and pain on a daily basis.  I just turn into a big ol' whiny baby.

Maybelle is on a midnight tear around here.  She got into the bathroom waste basket earlier.  I just pulled her away from the kitchen trash.  It doesn't matter if there's anything "to eat" in the trash or just paper.  That dog just loves to tear apart plastic bags.  But she's not interested in chew toys.  I've tried.  She just likes to shred paper and plastic.

My brain is all fuzzy, so I'll close, but I doubt I'll sleep.  Any other night owls up tonight?

Hey Vickie -- it's 4:35 for me and I haven't laid my head on my pillow yet -- my mind is always racing.  thinking about Jim and his health; thinking about Maura and the stress she's dealing with at work and home, worrying about her always; thinking about Taylor and what a joy she is; wishing M/M/T could all just spend a few weeks together with no one bothering us, just relaxing; thinking about "little jobs" that need to be done that never get done [fixing sink; putting in shower; fixing flooring, etc., etc., etc.]

Can we just call a "time out" and put our troubles on the shelf and forget about them for a while?

Good morning Mary.....welcome to the club!! 

It is now 4:14 and I haven't slept yet either. I used to do that...putting things on the shelve. I learned that from my psychologist many years ago. It used to work great...not so much anymore. 

I hate when I have racing thoughts to....it is so hard to put that away. It is just there!! 

We all need some sleep so bad and can't seem to catch a wink!

I am sorry you have so much to worry about. If Jim would do things right your life would be much calmer. If Maura and Jim could let go of the past and get along....just for Taylor's sake....that would be nice too. It is so hard being in the middle.

Hope you can get a little more sleep. I am going out to walk a bit and see if that will help my legs to calm down.

Lots of love and oodles of hugs....prayers too....connie d

Worry doesn't change a thing except your blood pressure and no sleep. So, work on kicking the habit!

Good morning Vickie and everyone....

You aren't alone Vickie...I can't sleep again tonight/morning. It is already 3:52 AM and I haven't had any sleep. I keep trying and I just can't keep my eyes closed. Nothing is working for me. My legs are jumping and nothing I do helps that either. 

I am sorry your pain is so bad. You are probably clutching your jaws or grinding your teeth as you sleep. That happens to people under a lot of stress. Have you taken anymore Advil? You can try a couple more of those. No one really handles pain very well. You are NOT a whine baby!! Put a cold compress over your eyes. Hopefully it will go away soon.

So Maybelle is being naughty. That little stinker!! What is her obsession with plastic bags.  She better behave or she will be running around in the garage!!!

I may have to go out and walk the halls for awhile. That tires me out. I am feeling sleepy but my body says NO!! 

I hope you can manage to rest if it is just in a recliner if nothing else. This just isn't far. You work so hard and have so much on your mind. You need the rest to rejuvenate your body. Me too!!!

Well I am going to walk a bit. I read for awhile and that didn't help. I have to do something to calm my legs down. Maybe it is because my pain is about a 9 right now...has been since Sunday. The crazy weather isn't helping at all. See I can whine too!!

I love you bunches...still  praying....gentle hugs...connie d

Oh ladies, 

I'm so sorry you were all up.  There is little worse than the mind racing.  You just can't settle back down and get the rest you need.  I'm praying you're all resting now (though I doubt it). 

Vickie, there are no words to express how I feel about your day yesterday. I hope and pray you will keep all your trust in God. For your own sake too, I hope you will reach out to a few hospice professionals.  I know it may not be time yet, you and Butch will make that decision in a time that's right for you.  But a hospice professional will help YOU, right now.  It is a horrible and terrible place you're in and my heart goes out to you.  

Mary, unfortunately your situation has some similarities I'm afraid. If Jim refuses to help himself then you, too, need some support. All your determination and good sense just isn't going to help him until he is ready for help. Sadly the longer he waits the smaller the window of opportunity so... I am praying he wakes up and decides to help himself!  And until then, Connie is right: it seems you need to put yourself first.  I sure hope that gathering with your daughters and granddaughter comes together sometime, and soon. Sounds like just what you need. 

Connie, you have great advice and such good sense. And you are always trying to be chipper for us but it's clear you're in extreme pain. I just pray you will find some relief, permanent would be best but even a short burst so you can get some rest. You're a woman of great faith, I can see, so whatever is in His plan will come to pass.  I have a track record of impatience with Gods plans... But there is no getting around them. 

Well ladies, it's back to work for me.  Lots to do today.  I will check back and hope our night owls/early birds have been able to get some rest.

Hello Christine....thank you for all the sweet things you have said about me. You are so kind!!  Like I said to Kathy, I am just doing what all of us here do...we are here to help our sista's any way we can!! The pain is always there. At at least a 9 on the scale of 0-10. 10 being the worst. I have to keep busy and I just keep on going as best as I can. Some days are certainly harder then others. I can't imagine my life without all of you!! It is comforting to know that others really do care. I will not give up!!!

Yes...my heart too is breaking for our sweet Vickie and Butch. Prayers and more prayers every day!!! I hope they can feel the peace of God all around them. He won't give up either!

I am going to eat a light lunch.....protein and veggies! Then I will be napping!! I will be back later.

Much love and hundreds of hugs to you....connie d

Good Morning Everyone!

It is upsetting to hear that some of the sisters are going through hard times. My heart goes out to Vickie regarding Butch's status. I cannot imagine life without Jim2...pain in the ass that he can be! although he is my 2nd husband he is the love of my life, my best friend, and we share an almost 20 year history. I 'waited' almost 40 years for this kind man who was a Godsend after my 1st abusive & nasty 1st husband.

You just don't get many chances in life to have that. I really hope hospice can come in to take some of the load off. Both of you deserve this, Vickie. You see how the stress is taking you down, and I don't think you want to spend the time you have left together not feeling well. It's about quality of life now. You know the ladies on here care & worry about you, and like in Eileen's situation can be more objective about some of your needs...

I am as bad as a man when I get sick or overtired, but I think I just push myself past the point of exhaustion and then really feel it. I think that is where you are at.

Yes Mary, we have had Jazz legally since she was 5, but even before that we had her all the time. She is my only biological grandchild, and at the rate my other 2 daughters are going in their mid-30's I think she may remain the only one. Jim's kids have 2 kids each, but they are in Houston & Joplin. I love this child more than you can imagine, but then I guess a lot of us feel that way about our grandkids. She is such a light in our lives & has the best sense of humor...when she is not having her 'teenage moments.'

My youngest daughter & Jim2 did not get along from the time he came into the picture when she was 13. It was difficult to be caught between the two of them. Jim made every effort to get along with her, but she wasn't having any of it. She has come a long way, but still it caused a lot of stress over the years. I know how you feel about wanting to get away.

I wish things were better with Jim's health as it would lighten your load, but it really sounds to me he has given up and very depressed. He is very lucky to have a good woman who takes care of him.

Connie, Christine is so on point about how much you are the 'cheerleader' of the group always responding to everyone's woes and offering support...or a posse..lol! Yet you endure all that pain daily that has to be so depressing. I really admire how you get up and soldier on everyday despite the pain...a lot of ppl can't or won't do that. The fact that you not only do that, but offer so much emotional support to the rest of us just amazes me!

Eileen, I was reading your post about Richard's mother calling you about his 'lost' stuff. I wonder if she realizes the full impact his attack had on you? I am not sure about your situation, but sometimes staying connected to the 'abuser' thru family, friends, work, etc. serves as an unpleasant reminder & takes you back to the 'event.'  Other times it is good to 'vent' & commiserate...his mom seems to know what he is capable of.

Just stayed attuned to how your contact with her affects you hours or days afterwards. You are going thru enough for now. Hopefully you will be able to find a new place soon, and your brother will help the healing process b/c you will at least know you are physically protected.

Christine, your job sounds very interesting from the perspective of not having an ongoing 'assignment' or much to do at this point AND getting to work from home! I need that kind of job! I also LOVE both your sense of humor & 'loyalty' towards the group. I was laughing while reading most of your post yesterday...it was hilarious!

It is a relief when our kids finally 'get it' and do what they need to do to attain an important goal! I am glad your stepdaughter will be graduating. I had all daughters, but a stepson from my prior and current marriage. It seems to me 'boys' are less dramatic & easier to raise. so hopefully your stepson won't be a procrastinator.

Well, I am starving...didn't realize it was after noon! I am trying to make sure I eat my meals around the same time so I don't binge. So I am headed to the kitchen, and then a nap before Jazz gets home!

Wishing everyone a better evening and overnight!

Hello Kathy....I thank you for the wonderful comment...you are so sweet!! I only do what everyone else does. We all support each other. It is true the pain gets pretty bad...it is at least a 9 today. I just have to keep pushing myself....I won't give up!!! I cry a lot but I will do what I need to do!! Thank you again. 

I am so happy you love your husband so much and he loves you too. No relationship is 100% at all times. You and Vickie have the real deal!!! Something everyone wants! I never had a man like that. 

I agree with what you said to Vickie. Time to let someone else take over...quality time is most important right now. Now with her mother needing surgery for her cancer that is more stress. Vickie has earned her wings...she is amazing. If I had money I would be on a plane to Texas right now!!! 

Jazz sounds like a very precious young lady. I can feel that she brings sunshine to your life, and Jim's too! I am very close to my grandchildren...my life would be so empty without them!!

I am so tired I too desperately need a nap.... lunch, more pain meds and then snuggling with my pillow and blanket!! 

Much love and oodles of hugs to you....connie d

Kathy, I feel Richard's mom is my mom, really. I feel very close to her because we both have dealt with his deceptions. She knows what he tells her are lies. I am just finding out all the lies he has told me. We both are. I have been calling her my Southern mom. And she has no daughters, so I'm her daughter. It's good to talk to someone about this. I think it's good for her, too, because otherwise she's talking to her other sons, who don't like him. She knows I won't take him back and neither will I.