What's Up This Sunday?

Good morning, everyone.  We were up early and I've got a batch of beans in the crock-pot for hubby already.  Not much in store for today except to clean.  Oh, and go get coffee.

I've been absent for a while -- lots going on and just not enough energy to post.

Praying for Butch and Vickie especially but also for others on OFF. 

Has anyone Skyped lately?  I tried to yesterday and they want me to download a new version of Skype.  OK -- so I did that.  Couldn't get any further.  I am a bit lost.  So, we visited with our son and family via the phone which isn't as much fun as Skyping.

Remodel is done with the exception of the replacement of two planks of flooring that have a defect.  We have plenty of flooring left over as we bought extra just in case so the only thing we have to wait for is for the contractor to get back out here and do it.

We're talking with another contractor regarding the deck we want to put in.  In the process of choosing materials and getting a bid.  I'm not looking forward to more work being done around here but it will be super nice once it's done. 

Not much else happening here. 

What's new with you today?

Cindy P.

Good morning Cindy and everyone....

Cindy.....I am sure the updates look amazing!! The building of the deck will be loud and annoying but you can at least use your kitchen!! YAY!!!!!! I can't hardly wait to see the finished project!

I figured you were busy with things like the remodel and family. I would see you now and then on Facebook so I wasn't too concerned. Hope everything really is okay!

As for me....I feel like I have been run over by a huge truck. I will be okay. I just need time to heal and rest up some. 

So today is a quiet day for me. I am going to grab an iced coffee and read the Sunday newspaper. The paper doesn't take long to read. They do a lot of repeating the same stories and things. It has gone down hill in the last few years. I know some of it is due to the computer use. 

It is snowing here today...it actually looks pretty out there.

I have been so worried this last week or so. Today Nic and my daughter, Jamie are on their way to St. Jude in Memphis. Nic has his cancer scans and other testing done. I am and have been praying that his cancer hasn't changed. It is still in his left thigh but hasn't changed in a few years. Remember a few years back they tried surgery to get it out. It was to wrapped around everything they couldn't take it out. I always just get sick with worry. The tests are on Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday we will hear the results. Please say some prayers everyone or swing chickens, or send good vibes, whatever you can do. I am praying and resting today. So many tears.

I will check back in now and then. I love you all ...you mean so much to me!!! 

HUGE HUGS and much LOVE to all...connie d

Connie, I'm so glad you mentioned Nic's testing this coming Monday and Tuesday because if you had mentioned it before, I had forgotten.  I will be praying for continued good results for Nic.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through the testing on an ongoing basis and waiting for results.  What a roller coaster for all of you.  Hopefully, his remission will continue.  I will pray that this is so. 

Cindy P.

Yes Cindy...it is hard year after year...it has been 18+ years that he goes to have testing. Like I said, there is no cure. That is why it is so hard. I am working hard to be positive. This takes a lot out of me and everyone in my family. It is so serious. Every year we pray for one more year. 

Hugs and love....connie d

Good morning Cindy and Connie and all my sistas,

Oh, Connie, I will be praying for Nic and your whole family!  

Cindy, are we friends on FB?  I can't remember.  I think so.  If not, please friend me:  Vickie Gibson Poe.  I want to see pictures of the remodel, too!

So last night was just awful.  Really.  I was awake until 3 a.m. thinking and worrying about everything I could imagine.  Butch is really not doing well.  His pain level is back to being so high all the time.  He really can't go on like this much longer.  I feel like he's slipping away from me right before my eyes.  DAMN CANCER.  I find myself beginning to think thoughts about funeral arrangements and burial plots--and I HATE THIS!!!  We need to talk about things, but I don't want to bring it up.  I don't want him to think that I think he's dying.  I keep telling myself to wait until after the biopsy on Tuesday and see what that brings.  But he's in so much pain.  It's horrible.  

And deep down, some suspicious part of me thinks that if I voice these concerns, I will make them come true.  Irrational, I know, but there it is.  I feel like I need to stay positive, both inside and outside, but I can't ignore what is happening right in front of my eyes.  And this is the only place I feel like I can talk about it.  

So, I'm not sure what to anticipate this coming week.  We go back to MDA tomorrow for the pre-op testing and then the biopsy will be done outpatient early Tuesday morning.  We're supposed to come back home after that, but I am not leaving there unless they get his pain under control.  It is my opinion that he needs to be back in the hospital with IV pain control.  That throws a terrible monkey wrench in our plans to close on the house on Thursday, but it can't be helped.  I've already alerted Jenny, our Realtor, about the situation and she says it's cool.  We can close this week or next week, as the situation demands.

So today I need to take Patty Kate to Christie's house.  PK just didn't do well at Sandy and Karen's house in Houston with all those other dogs.  She'll do better to stay with Chris.  But Maybelle is fine going back to Houston and staying with all her ****er kids friends.  

Well, I'm quite the bummer today, but this whole situation just has me in such turmoil.  I know I have to be strong.  I understand what is coming.  I just don't know how I'm ever going to cope with it all.  I don't want to think about it, but I know I have to.  I have to prepare.  I have to take care of things.  And I can't let myself panic or give in to depression right now.  Sadly, there will be plenty of time for depression later on.  

Well, it's not the first time I've had to go through hard times, and it won't be the last.  We either survive it or we don't.  I just have to find my way through this morass of pain and uncertainty right now and be strong for my husband.  I'll worry about what comes after, after.

I love you all.  I'm so glad I have you here for me right now.  

Vickie, I know this must be tough on you. I can only speak on what my parents did when my dad knew he was dying. He already had kidney disease and then learned he had inoperable colon cancer. So my dad, being the practical guy he always was, put everything in mom's name. That way, there was no inheritance tax. And even then, there were some savings accounts mom found later she didn't know about that he had put in her name. But everything ... the house, the CDs, his savings, etc. ... all went in her name. He knew he was dying and didn't wait to make decisions. I know this is hard for you. I think right now Butch is in too much pain to make the decisions. But maybe when the pain is better controlled you maybe could have the talk with him about finances, etc. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Should you need to talk, we are all here for you. I know my mom had my brother to help her through the difficult decisions; do you have anyone? I feel so sorry for you and Butch. He retires and you two should be enjoying life and this happens. 

You're in my thoughts, Vickie. 

Thank you, sweet Eileen.  I'm pretty certain most of the finances are okay.  Texas is a community property state.  I'm the sole beneficiary of Butch's estate.  I don't think our assets are large enough for the inheritance taxes to matter, but you're right.  I need to check into that.

We already took care of our wills and things several years ago.  I have power of attorney, too.

I do have my girls, but I try not to talk about death and dying too much with them yet.  They are in their 30's, but they're still both Daddy's girls.  They know everything that I know--I don't hide facts from them.  If I need them, I will lean on them.  Right now, I'm still standing upright on my own.  I figure what's the harm in letting them go on believing things are going to be okay for awhile longer.  When I start talking about funeral arrangements, it's going to knock their feet out from under them.  I don't want to do that to them until I have to.

Butch and I did talk a bit about funeral arrangements this morning.  He feels very strongly about being buried back in Nacogdoches.  I'm not real crazy about that idea.  It is a long drive from here, and once we buy the new house in Seguin, I plan to live there a long, long time.  I would rather have the funeral in Nacogdoches (where all his friends and family are), but then have the burial somewhere closer to here, so that I can go and visit his grave whenever I want to.  It's a lot to decide.  But I took the first step in bringing it up this morning.  We can both think about it and discuss it again later on.  It was a tough conversation to have, and I cried a bit, but we have to be able to talk about things.  It's something we have to decide together because I plan to be buried right next to him, wherever that is.

Butch and I also decided to call MDA first thing in the morning, before we even leave here, and request that he be admitted back into the hospital tomorrow for pain management.  He can still have the biopsy on Tuesday as planned.  But I'm going to pack as if we'll be there awhile.  I'm not bringing him home again until the pain is under control.  No matter what the prognosis is at this point, there's no reason for him to hurt like he is.  Addiction to pain medications is just not a big concern right now, you know?  I just want him to NOT HURT ANYMORE.  I don't care if he has 1 month or 1 year left--I DON'T WANT HIM TO HURT.

I'm going to take my laptop with me to Houston, so I'll be able to post updates on CarePages and here.  

I thank God that I have you and all our sistas here to talk to about these things.  It's easier to write out my concerns here in these posts than it is to vocalize them with someone in person.  It's good to have a secure place to discuss all my fears and anxieties without distressing my family.  Of course, I think of y'all as my family, too, but no one here is depending on me to be "tower of strength" Mama.  I can just be me.

Love you!

Vickie...I just now saw this post....I am so glad you called MDA. Are they going to give him anything else to cover the pain tonight?? I agree...NO PAIN!!!

I am glad you have so many things already in order. That is good, one less thing to be concerned about. 

I will gladly post things for you if you just let me know....if you are too worn down or too busy. I will be glad to help.

You know I am also praying for your daughters and grandchildren too. All of you!!!!

I would be the same way with information to my daughters. They will know when the time is right. 

Love you...HUGS....connie d

Oh, and this may sound strange, but write the obit ahead of time. I don't know what paper will print the obit, but if it's like our paper, paid obits are of course allowed to say whatever. Free ones are held to an inch count. And the other day, on a paid obit, we had a family member call in all upset because a stepdaughter was being called a daughter in the obit. Now, I know that's not an issue in your family, but you want to make sure it's want you want it to say. Or precisely, what Butch wants it to say. Just a thought. (I've already thought out this process.)

Vickie, I am so worried about Butch (and you).  I hope that MDA admits Butch and gets his pain under control.  (And, I sure hope that Christie didn't take those damn pain pills.)  You have so much to deal with -- just try to take it a step at a time.  I will continue to pray for you both and, in particular, that the test results are much much better than you expect.   

Cindy P.