Gee, that went well--NOT

Good morning my sistas,

So my relationship with my mom is a bit strained at times.  No secret there.  Ever since my dad died, she and I blow hot and cold, you know?  On the one hand, for the past 14 years, she hasn't wanted to hear anything about the problems I might be having with the girls, with work, etc.  She's only wanted to hear good news and/or talk about the weather.  Naturally, this has put a real crimp in our communications and I've learned not to depend on her for a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  It's become the family policy to "not tell Mom" because it upsets her.

On the other hand, she always acts hurt when she learns about things second hand or after the fact.  Well, gee, Mom, you can't have it both ways.

So I call her this morning to tell her about Butch and she didn't take the news well at all.  At first she was like, "well, you've had 33 years together".  Excuse me, I didn't just announce that my husband is terminal.  And then she burst into tears and had to hang up on me in the middle of the call.  Okay, Mom, I haven't cried yet.  There's nothing to cry about yet.  We don't have enough information.  That's hard on me when I'm trying to be strong about things.  Then she calls back, all sniffling and sad, and I say, "Mom, you're not helping me right now."  

So then she starts in on how my Daddy died (he had Stage IV lung cancer that had metastasized to the bone when we found it), and again--that's not helping me.  

Whew.  Look, I know things are serious.  I get it.  But until we know exactly HOW serious, what is the point of wailing and crying and being all upset???  We need more information.  We won't get that until we complete all the testing at MDA.  In the meantime, I need to remain calm and strong for my family.  

So, like I say, that went well.  Ha.  

Thanks for being here for me to vent, my sistas.  I really need this safe haven right now.  I love you all.

Oh Vickie,

I know you need support, and I'm here for you.  My guess is that when your Mom heard how Butch's tumor is metastisized to his spine, it brought back the painful memories of losing your father.  At her age, she probably can't be there the way you need her to be.  Just guessing.  I know that I can't look to my Mom for any sort of support.  I can't even have a normal conversation with her.  

Come to us, if you need to talk.  My email is [email protected]

Yeah, I know, Trish.  I figure that's what happened too.  Only I'm having to already carry the load for Butch and present a strong upbeat image for both him and the girls.  I just don't need/want to have to carry my mom, too.  It's kind of like: if you can't help me, then get out of my way.  Sorry, that sounds really harsh.  But that's how I feel.  

In some ways, it's just really easier not to tell her anything.  We've all gotten used to doing that.  I just felt she needed to hear about Butch from me, not from someone else, and since I've put it out there on FB, it's only a matter of time.  

Thanks for the support, sweetie!  Love you for it!

Gotta LOVE IT!!! When you need support its not there!!! And like I said...BEEN THERE!!!!!!!!! I/WE are here for you!!!! I know its hard Vic...its going to be a LONG road ahead for both of you!! Check out the cancer sites that Butch is dealing with and they also will be there to help you get through this!!! Unsure where to find them ask your dr or hospital for them...gosh I hate that you are going through this now!!!!!! DAMIT!!!! Just when he has finally retired and you both wanted to enjoy life!!!!!!! I hope and Pray this is an EASY fix for him!!!! BEWARE the radiation though!!! My sister had it and it ruined ALOT of her body!!!!!!!!! Don't mean to scare you but trust me radiation IS dangerous!!!!!!!

You can come and vent anytime sweetie!!!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Thanks, Judy!  I know this is my safe place.  Thank God I have all of y'all to talk to.  Obviously I can't share all my fears with the girls.  And I sure don't talk about them with Butch!  So who does that leave?  I have a couple of good BFF's and I have OFF.  OFF is such a safe place because my family can't see what I post here.  

Well, mother/daughter relationships are complex.  We all know that.  It's just that my relationship with my mom used to be so close.  I would have said she was my best friend and closest confidant at one point.  But since Daddy died, she's changed so much.  Not blaming her for that, just stating a fact.  She doesn't want to hear bad news.  She doesn't want to know about problems or difficulties.  Okay.  That's her choice.  But sometimes, whether you like it or not, reality has to be dealt with.  

Well, from this point on, I'll let Carrie tell her what's going on.  She does better with Carrie than she does with me or with Chris.  But I needed to be the one to make the first phone call.  At least that's over.

You know, Butch had radiation the first time around with the prostate cancer and he never had a single side effect from it.  Not one.  They were amazed.  (Of course, in hindsight, it also didn't do him any good!  Maybe that's why it didn't affect him.  I tell you, we are THROUGH with small town oncology!)  

So we will see what comes.  We're just so ready to get ON with it now.  The waiting is very hard.  

Oh, and my sweet elderly aunt called me yesterday and offered us her home while we are in Houston.  So did Butch's brother.  His brother's house is actually much closer to the Medical Center, and I'm sure we'll stay there, but that was so sweet of my Auntie B!  Made me cry a little bit.

Oh, and one more thing, I got another notification from MDA yesterday evening and they have verified Butch's insurance, so we have now jumped all the hurdles towards getting an appointment there.  We are just waiting on them to review his medical records and then they will either accept him as a patient or not.  If they do, they'll give us our appointment time, hopefully before the end of next week.

Pray for us to get in soon.  We need to know what's going on.

Vic

WOOOHOOO!!!! You ARE on THE ROAD NOW!!!!!!!!!! Hang in there!!!!!! I hear you on ALL that you are saying Vic!!!! I could go on and on with what I went through with Gary but I won't....closed chapter now...But if you need me I am here!!!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSS

Vickie...I am so sorry your mom is being not so helpful to you right now. You are right, let it go and have your daughters contact her next time.

I am so happy that The insurance came through. What a relief that is!!! 

All we can do sweetie is take a day at a time. I agree with you, no worrying about what might be. It just wears you down. 

It was so sweet of your aunt to offer her home to you and Butch. That was very special. I am sure you will want to stay at the closest place to the hospital. 

You know I have the prayers going. I want nothing but the best for both of you!!

Love you much...lots of hugs......connie d